Within the shadows

Moonlight Madness

2012-01-11T01:03:00.002+04:00

I stroll down the barren paths bathed in moonlight with the wintry breeze ablow. Thoughts of you fill my mind with their gentle madness intoxicating my senses to calm. I dance off the ground & giggle in solitude whispering volumes to your wonderful presence besides me. You do not exist but I surrendered my soul to your mortal emptiness & alas I still linger onto those imaginary pieces of you.

The Chosen one

2012-01-04T01:19:00.002+04:00

Make me the pen that writes your name on the hearts of people
Make me the Book that eyes read to praise Your Glory
Make me the Voice that speaks of Your Wonders across the lands
Make me the Sword that fights in Your Name
Make me the Fire that burns all that You forsook
Make me the Messiah that leads people towards Your way
Make me the Love that melts the hardest hearts to embrace Your Passion
Make me the Lawyer who deals the hand of Justice
Make me the Light that torches the darkened paths
Give me the wisdom to understand Your hidden Grace
Give me the knowledge to silence the stormiest seas
Give me the patience to bear the troubles with courage
O Almighty, make me amongst Your chosen ones.

The Healer

2011-12-04T01:23:00.001+04:00

My heart is like an ocean that has washed a dozen shores. It ebbs, recedes & roars within its own majesty. It has drowned the pains of many & tumbled back in itself to immaculacy. It is the healer that regenerates perpetually flowing over the seared flesh leaving it anew. It buries within treasures awaiting discovery-the secrets for nourishment of the soul & the meaning to life-the answers of creation comprising of you & me & all that makes us one. Rejoice the essence of life, in a world within & above us. Come, I want to meet you there.

The Winner stands alone

2011-11-15T23:12:00.001+04:00

Standing at the cliff of relationship mount watching the last ones fall off. There's a whiff of Sadness as the mask of pretense melts away. There's no one left to face anymore.
It's death of naivety as the adult emerges. No gamers left to play the chances of love. Time to dance alone to those composed tunes & turn into thy own song. It's the moment to sing & hear thy voice echo across the land. The soul has found ultimate freedom & wonders fill the heart with glorious light. I have perfected the art of winning the game & losing the people.

The last attachment

2011-11-09T22:52:00.002+04:00

I pull on my cloak of silence letting the cold loneliness steal away the smiles that danced around my face with a muse to entertain. I allow my heart to break one last time before turning my back on hope of ever being together again. I let you fly, free as you’ve always been, only captivated prisoner by a heart allured by your beauty. I allow darkness to creep between the life & death I experience within this breathing body. I let the fire of my anguish burn your memories to ashes & wish the wind to carry the last of my lovers away.

Self-actualisation

2011-10-03T22:36:00.002+04:00

We resist achieving our full potentials out of a fear of falling into our depths & finding something ugly there; We struggle enough to stay sane with our social identities already.

Wrong place to land

2011-09-24T23:44:00.003+04:00

What brings you to this place?
There's nothing but emptiness here. . .

Secondlife inspired

2011-09-12T04:43:00.001+04:00

Sometimes a game can become Life & actual LIFE can become a game.

Inkling #1

2011-08-27T21:03:00.003+04:00

There's a thin line between genius & insanity. I often wonder which side I fall on.

Volatile Splendor

2011-08-26T01:01:00.002+04:00

I am black. I am white

I'm the dark & the purest of light
Discover splendors of the world within my little heart
Savor the sweet tenderness in the words of art

I am mystery with all it's depth
Dare not question the corners I've crept
I'll ease your pain with a touch of my hand
Talk without words & I'll understand

Give me your heart strings & let me play

Allow my emotions to sweep you away

Close your eyes & hold me close
Cherish the fantasy as you rise to find yourself alone.

Ultimate love story

2011-08-16T23:03:00.001+04:00

Life is a series of love stories-learning self-love through every occurring change.

The Comfortable turbulence

2011-04-07T21:10:00.003+04:00

A light of hope yet another closure.

Why the necessity to FEEL again when the outcome never changes?

A burnt out hole to bleed forever more.

Can’t hold on. Can’t let go.

Again the darkness

Again the silence

Would this pain never cease?

Won’t this cycle ever stop?

Just stop.

Leave the ocean to regulate it’s own tides

Turbulence finally feels like home.

Obsessed by insanity

2011-03-28T12:55:00.004+04:00

“I’m floating in the flood of my evoked tears, wishing to drown & embrace infinity but I can’t. The ache sears the flesh with haunting flashbacks leaving the body in helpless trembles.I reach to stifle the pain unsuccessfully as the music comes alive & voices start talking.

I wince in agony ‘You raised the skeletons from their graves. I’ll drown but I’ll take you down with me. I want to show you another world. I want to break your bonds with everything you’ve known to be safe just to take a trip with me. How do you awaken a storm & expect it to not even touch you?”

Into the Fade

2010-12-20T22:57:00.006+04:00

This is the end-a post to mark that you existed within the lines of this page once. You no longer linger in the realms of my mind. Reality has uncrowned you for good. Goodbye dear perfect dream. You slowly seeped through the walls of my heart, had a long meaningless stay then crept into The Fade. You are finally dead. R.I.P

Emotional Encounter ***

2010-08-23T00:38:00.020+04:00

Another love sick fool dreaming of a romance that never existed beyond the mind. Don't laden your eyes with the burdens of a restless heart.There is nothing but absurd writing here. You too stranger, don't be hassled by the pains of a dreamer's imagination. It was not your fault that the heart skipped a beat when you crossed. Take no blame for the bitterness of a woman's plight but forgive her ignorance.In her mind she had lived a perfect fantasy to escape the boredom of a mundane life. Call it innocence as she wasn't aware of it's hazards. Knitting the dreams she began to believe them to come true but tested against reality that shattered like glass against the wall.

Don't let my story delay your journey stranger, it bears no weight compared to the important things in your life. Apologies for the hurt that those searing words may have caused. Erase I cannot the words of resentment thrown your way for imagined slights. You are a patient man to remain & listen to a worthless tale. Be not amused nor frightened of the bizarre words you hear. You may mistake them to be directed at you but you have done no harm so forgive the pain bestowed upon you.

Stay no further stranger should I rouse feelings of pity from you. Leave me with the little self respect that I feign to possess while I lament the love I failed to evoke from you. Bid sweet farewell as you leave with those pieces of a shattered dream. Value the secret that there's no one who holds a candle to you. Be on your way & don't relate what you have heard to another soul. It's just an unworthy narration that should be erased & forgotten, as it bore nothing but guilt & sorrow in it's consequence.

Not as we

2010-03-09T01:44:00.000+04:00

This is our life story. A story about love & bonds, of good times & understanding, mistakes & hopes & most of all learning & leaving. This is the story of how WE split into YOU & ME.

There are no words to express the treasure I held when holding you. There are no words to express the pain I felt when losing you. Yet there was only silence. Silence despite the storm in the sea, emptiness in place of love, anger instead of clarification-let it die. Kill the years, slaughter the memories-forget the past, leave it all behind.

Time distanced us then a storm put us together again then another took us apart.

There are faces you’ve forgotten that are etched on my heart. There are memories that you’ve discarded that I’d taken pride from. Now there is nothing. Nothing to keep together, nothing to say, nothing left to do. Paths are divided. You go your way; I’ll go mine-not as we, but as you & me. Not with pleasant memories but with bitterness & regret. This is our story-a tragedy.

Wishful Thinking

2010-02-06T00:09:00.002+04:00

~Yet we choose to submerge ourselves in this unpredictable sea of emotions, being rocked by tides

of love, lust, fear & hope- Never knowing that the same ocean can carry & leave us stranded on lonely islands far apart~

A missed tale

2010-01-14T19:41:00.000+04:00

He came in the night & kissed my head as I lay, my bod mostly bare with the chemise on. He told me he loved me so I believed it. He loved her, he didn’t tell me but I knew. I could read his eyes. To him, like to the men before him, I’d transformed from a woman to a sexual object. I was to blame, I suppose they were right. The only love I deserved was from what they obtained pleasure or else, I’d no rights to feel or desire. They failed to see the human element of emotional hunger that I expressed between those kisses & cuddles. They would rather label me a nymphomaniac than understand my need for love. I was desirable-good to know. I was rich & glamorous-perfect make of a mistress. I was lonely, hollow & scared- denied to possess the qualities. Night after night, for years I pleased one, then another hoping to find something lasting. The bed was warm but it left me cold each time the door shut behind them. I searched for someone different. I wanted something real. Then I did find that someone, who loved me for me & replaced the pain with his warmth & affection. I happily gave my hand for the ring. My life was full of bliss-at least for a while. Then his eyes changed as he grew restless trying to find something new. The glow I held began to diminish as emptiness crawled back, bringing insecurity & bitterness for company. History repeated itself as summer turned to a permanent winter. So this night was like the nights before but left a shaper chill as his footsteps turned to leave the door.

The rewarded professional

2009-12-03T22:21:00.003+04:00

Standing admist a large crowd a voice asks me

“Where are they?”

“Who?”

“Your friends?”

“They were here a while ago” I answer looking around at the unfamiliar faces surrounding me “Don’t you see a group of smiling faces or hear their bouts of laughter?”

“No”

“Aren’t those lovely people around beaming smiles in my direction?”

“No, but far amongst the crowd some old faces do loom about”

“There is something missing inside me” I relate “But there is so much warmth around”

“It’s the love of the common people”

Muse

2009-11-18T19:18:00.002+04:00

Two Minds

One fantasy

Fragments of a dream

For one longing heart

Wasted emotions

Timeless emptiness

A broken bond

Pride to silence

An unfinished tale

Deserted & forgotten

But kindled the soul that cherished it.

Self-Talk

2009-11-06T13:49:00.004+04:00

You meet a lot of good people in the walk of life but few special ones

You hear alot of 'I love you's but question if one could change the course of fate

There are thorns that rend when you keep the roses & you wonder if its worth throwing them all together

Sometimes it is...

Virtual Reality

2009-11-04T22:18:00.004+04:00

Idle hopes lay in despair

Awaiting what will never come

Leaving a void in the heart

But silence on the lips.

And Stranded they are

In a sphere with walls that echo

Only but a solo voice....

The Paradox

2009-09-10T16:53:00.006+04:00

YOU CAME:

Like dawn creeping through the darkness of the night

Like a scent slowly engulfing the senses with pleasure

Like a rose symbolising the existence of love

Like the sparkle of a freshly cut diamond

Like an answer to a downhearted prayer

YOU LEFT

Like a stranger born without feelings

Like water in a blazing desert

Like a thief disappearing into the still of the night

Like the sun shadowed in an eclipse

NOW

I conjure what could've been

I wait for the warmth of your presence

I dream of the laughter you stirred

I long for the wisdom you shared

Between two worlds seeking to find another you.

Learning the ropes

2007-11-10T21:56:00.000+04:00

After seeing the way people function, I really regard the fact that I was born in a house where there was a super talented person like my mother. Honestly I’ve never seen another of her kind. People are creative & talented in many fields but never seen anyone who could handle anything from home deco to medicine, accounts & plumbering.

My mom is someone who’s popular for her choice in stylish dressing personally from clothes to jewels to home styling from drapery to cutlery. She always knows the right time for the right thing.

The more time I spend with her the more impressed I am. There’s nothing she can’t handle. At those times I feel handicapped while personally I am talented in many fields but nothing like mom. I don’t know what to do when handed a couple of flower stems to arrange. I’m clumsy with the sanitary fittings. I can’t properly garden. I can’t stitch a pillow. She can do everything to do with spades, needles, machines, pipes, make-up, screwdrivers, words, paints, flowers, tapes, medicines & injections. WOW!

I’ve always been saying “Mom, you’re a genius!”

Once upon a time I used to think that anyone can look good or do well if they had good material. I was so wrong. Now I see people who have amazing things & don’t know the way to use them. Instead of looking good, they look pathetic.

I remember the same woman correcting me when I couldn’t pronounce Biology. It was the same person who taught me the names of things I didn’t know. I still remember watching a news reporter in green & I said to mom “I like the stuff she has on her eyes. What’s it called?”

“Eye-shadow”

You know the thing that makes her really beautiful? Besides being a natural stunning beauty, she has a heart of gold. She’s down-to-earth, ready to give a hand to anyone anywhere. She’s praised in her in-laws more than anyone. She’s praised in her family. She’s the best mother ever. Did I mention she’s an amazing cook? No wonder, she just got another request to make lunch for someone again!!!

Mama, you’re the most beautiful person ever born. Thank God for You!

When I Grow up

2007-10-29T18:42:00.001+04:00

Sounds familiar doesn't it? There would probably be no one who hasn't said this as a child. It's true that childhood & adolescence is invincible. It's so easy to dream to touch the sky even though its untouchable & like those dreams is really an illusion.

Time passes so fast that one day you grow old & feel that there’s little left to do. Remember how we felt when we were kids? We were so invincible. The world seemed like a globe on the palm of the hand.

“I can conquer anything” the heart spoke.

A thousand dreams weaved without realizing that barely a few would touch reality. But there was so much faith in them. Age, brought wisdom with it. Adolescence dawned & the invincibility lessened:

“I can’t conquer the world, but maybe a part of it”

2 decades down:

“I can’t conquer the world so let me do something in my society”

2 & half decades:

“I’m lucky if I can do something for myself & my family.”

Beyond that the dream list shortens while the disappointment list lengthens. There’s nothing anyone can do. Some fortunate ones stand where they intend on standing since younger years but most collect the remains of their shattered dreams to dump them in the trash-can of reality.

Still it’s sweet to hear those words spoken by children perhaps one of the lot may achieve part of the grand picture.

Whole new World

2007-06-17T06:55:00.000+04:00

Recently we went on the mission of vaccinating children against Polio in Pakistan undertaken by WHO. Poliomyelitis is disease caused by a virus that can damage the nervous system and cause paralysis. But there’s a good side to it, vaccine is available & the disease can be prevented. Due to widespread vaccination it has been nearly eradicated from US but it remains a problem in the many underdeveloped countries of the world.

The experience was unforgettable. Walking down the lanes with goats & people it was really a new sight. One doesn’t really see anything living in the usual routine, but stepping out to a new world makes you realize everything that you’ve been blessed with that so many people have no inkling of.

There were no roads in the community we attended. The houses were not built of cement & cloth was used for the doorway though there were wooden doors in most of them. Naked children ran around on the sandy walkways. The place was packed with people, many were really hospitable. Doctors were respected & generally welcomed, which was favorable for us.

The most touching part of the whole event was how strong the interaction was between the neighbors. When we started it seemed like a huge feat, especially with the temperature hitting 40’C. But bit by bit it became easier.

Some kids were difficult but others were cooperative. Many of them surprisingly joined the team & helped us locating the houses with children <5>

There were some real beauties hiding behind the ugly houses. There was a world in a big town. People lived busy in their own activities having none of the luxuries we consider utilities. Kids weren’t playing X-box but with bricks & stones & enjoying equally.

The best part of the experience was to know another side of life & satisfaction came from knowing that those tots & kids would not suffer in the hands of the nasty virus.

Life really is beautiful.

The rift

2007-06-17T05:57:00.002+04:00

“The subconscious's voice keeps reverberating in my head saying "I’m wrong, yea I’m wrong!"

I know that its foolishness to hang on your dreams. I know that in your world I’m a faceless person but on my side I can still recall the way u looked & how u talked. Maybe you're really only a fantasy stuck in my head…But you're the only stranger I’d ever wanted. You’re the only man in my life that I’d prayed for. What else can I do? I can’t give up my pride when I already feel that the ball's in your court. I can’t fight my ego. If you'd asked I’d have given any thing you'd desired, but u never gave me a chance.

Songs have created an imprint of your face that I can’t forget. Ask & you will not be refused. But you ask not.

Leave this tormented heart 2beat on its own. Take these nostalgic memories & illusions.

Beautiful stranger you have created a rift in my heart.”

Ship in the storm

2006-08-18T10:19:00.000+04:00

It wouldn't be any use of ranting about something that was long since over. There's nothing left to say when all is said & done. This wasn't a secret that needed to be revealed. Everyone knew it was going on when it was. When the goodbye came, they all heard it. They all heard the closing of the door. They all knew... there was nothing more to the tale.

Time passed by since then. Even after the shattered dreams there was still a fading light of hope. In desperate times, even a little means alot. I had that. There was no promise. There were no expectations. There was only hope. To save a sinking ship in the storm that just isn't enough!

Its a doc's life

2006-08-07T12:31:00.000+04:00

To be watching ambulances being wheeled in everyday is one thing but sitting in one to take one of your own beloveds to the ER is something different.

Being in the medical field, we're used to seeing the tear filled faces & people sitting outside the ICUs with thier rosaries for those inside.The ambulance sirens & the running staff had been rountine. It had barely ever been moving with the stress we're daily exposed to. Everyone's trying to get along with their own lives so we let those handling the matters to them only.

The other day my uncle had a stroke. I checked his blood pressure & it was really high. I popped some pills in his mouth that I had on hand so by the time we got to the hospital it had lowered but still high. Due to the emergency numbers being busy & lack of people at home the event worsened. It had been 3hours before we got him the right care.Sitting next to him in the ambulance I watched for a constant movement. The distances seemed to never end. The traffic was taking too long. There weren't enough personnel around for help. All the relative things that happen when you want to rush. I constantly wondered if I'd had my last moments with him in that time. It was a serious one (in one of those long Unpronounceable places that I'll skip for u). There was immediate surgery & he was into rehabilitation. No one wanted to assume anything. No one wanted to give scary warnings. Good I thought. We'll see watever happens when it comes by.

The moral of the story is that it's easy to take other people's sickness more easily than that of a loved one. We somehow believe that while someone still walks they're eternal. We forget the delicate thread that this life is bounded by. It's one tiny snap & all is gone.

Today its a relative, tomorrow it could be those closer.I'd not have thought of it till this reality struck me. Cherish those around you.Give them some time to let them know that you care.You never know which words could be the last exchanged. When all is said & done, deep down you'd not live with that regret that 'I could've done more.'

The Accident

2006-07-24T01:13:00.000+04:00

Temporary warmth of an accidental hug

Recaptured the heart that had tried to forget

The love in vain.

The suppressed emotions resurfaced

Hope came to life

The wait started again

& It would continue...

The torment would return

The cycle would carry on

She would continue paying...

The price of the accidental meeting.

Page from My Diary

2006-07-15T12:55:00.000+04:00

I watched out the window as the bus sped across the bridge. I stared at the buildings & remembered something that had predicted that loads of places & people would pass out of my life as a result of maturation.I thought that I was mature enough. Well, all kids think that they’ve grown up even though it takes more time than they think to attain that maturity level.

I watched one building pass by followed by another & thought:

“This is the way everything would pass from my life.”

A scary thought I assure you when you view it all being left behind at high speed. That’s what life is, really isn’t it? Relative! My yesterday would be someone’s tomorrow. All the people I leave behind would someday be with new people in new places.But for me it would be ‘old’.

Over time I have come to admire people who are able to maintain their old sweeties & friends. I always thought that I was amongst them but looking at my life today, there is no one of my past with whom I share a mutual feeling. Either they have left me or I had left them. At the most there was no connection despite the presence.

When I look at my present, I do harbor some fears concerning the future. There are things that I want to hold on to. There are people I want to throw out of my life, yet I would never try. Then the thought of actually giving them up is tearing.But then that's the way things work isnt it?

U win some, U lose some!

Unrequited Love

2006-05-27T13:52:00.000+04:00

How could u change the nature of the thorn & expect it to never rend again?

How could you seek comfort when that’s something it has never been?

How could you try to forget what was never meant to be forgotten?

It was a lesson…just a lesson.

For the final time, stop this pain. There is nothing even left to feel anymore.

Wish this heart could forget everything.

It isn’t easy, it never was.

Tears of disappointment rise once & again.

None to forgive,

One to never forget.

Why had hope deserted when love decided to stay?

Why did bitterness come walking in while it still occupied the place?

Why when all went down, did it never bow out?

It's not hatred that's burning inside, it's that unrequited passion.

Die, I say.

Die, I pray.

Die, there's nothing worthy left today.

Witnessing a Miracle

2006-05-11T02:23:00.001+04:00

I was posted at the gynae ward on our usual rotations. Finally after the long dragging classes at the clinic we were looking forward to the end of the round. We had two last days before the posting would be over. As routine, there was only one thing we all looked forward to going to the gynae ward-a delivery. We thought that despite the 4 weeks we had had, it would not be possible for us to see any baby being brought into the world.

We were in for a pleasant surprise!

It had happened that everytime we went into the labor room, something or the other happened to the expecting mother & she had to be taken to the OT for which none of us were prepared so missed out a couple of "happenings" due to it.

One morning we heard the news that there was a woman ready to deliver. We refused to do any examination & just ran into the labor room. The lady did get unnnerved having 5 more people around her but we refused to budge. We watched the trainee work efficiently with the lady. It was her first so it was taking time. We constantly heard her tell the woman to "push" whenever she felt the contractions coming on.

At first we all were excited but as the woman fell into distress we became unnerved. A few of the girls began feeling nauseous &left the room only to return a while later. We thought "oh here goes another woman into the OT thanks to our cursed presence!"

We were losing hope to see the delivery to the end. The doctor did show us the head of the fetus lying at the end of the birth canal. We were amazed. It seemed such a small distance from the womb to the world. But it was taking alot of time.

There was alot of dirty stuff happening; even the disinfection was kindda gross due to the color of the liquid. The entire prospect of shoving the hand in to feel the head movement or for any obstruction was disturbing. Not like it could be helped! Then there was the trickling of blood & water. The woman was in pain & whining which made the entire prospect scarier than it was. I hate to admit it, but I was actually thinking why someone would want to go through this kind of pain for a child. The other girls were worried bout their figures. They kept verbalising that it was pointless to try so hard only to end up like that!

The senior dr walked in when the junior staff thought that the labor was prolonged. We got scolded by her because we were supposed to be somewhere else. Anyways, we heard it all but didnt leave. Time passed... Vacuum machine...went out of order at the last minute. Annoyance! Then came in the forceps...left one in the left hand, in it went on the left side...right one on the right.

Baby was even stubborn so the doc finally pulled it out with force! Whoosh! went the water & out came the cheesy baby. As routine it was struck on the bottom to make it cry. The placenta came later. All of us were estatic! Birth was really a miracle worth watching & expericiening..not only at the time of delivery but through each step. It was a happy atmosphere. The ordeal was over. The mother was happy. The child was alive. I was filled with excitement. I finally understood what all that pain was worth!

Wat ppl say bout me...

2006-05-01T16:02:00.000+04:00

Arena

(known to self and others)

independent, knowledgeable, logical, mature, observant

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

able, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dignified, energetic, friendly, giving, idealistic, intelligent, loving, modest, reflective, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty

Façade

(known only to self)

organised

Unknown

(known to nobody)

accepting, cheerful, dependable, extroverted, happy, helpful, ingenious, introverted, kind, nervous, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, responsive, silly, spontaneous, tense

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (6%) bold (20%) brave (6%) calm (6%) caring (13%) cheerful (0%) clever (6%) complex (20%) confident (20%) dependable (0%) dignified (13%) energetic (6%) extroverted (0%) friendly (6%) giving (20%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (13%) independent (20%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (40%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (20%) logical (6%) loving (33%) mature (20%) modest (6%) nervous (0%) observant (13%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (20%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (6%) self-assertive (13%) self-conscious (6%) sensible (13%) sentimental (26%) shy (13%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (6%) tense (0%) trustworthy (26%) warm (33%) wise (6%) witty (20%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 1.5.2006, using data from 15 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view blackempress's full data.

The magical Rose

2006-03-02T22:52:00.000+04:00

I once went out awalking that I came across an ordinary rose. It attracted me despite its simplicity so I took it up & placed it on a beautiful stand in a lovely room. To keep it alive I covered it with a extraordinary glass that periodically sprinkled glitter; creating a piece noone had seen before. Anyone who laid their eyes on the piece fell in love with its beauty. None but I knew the actual story yet kept it as the most special thing ever created. I alone knew that it wasnt the rose but where it stood that gave it magic. One day it dried & began to shrivel despite the glass, as all good things have to come to an end. The magic began to fade & the inevitable was around the corner! U tell me wat the fate of the rose should be when even the glass & stand can no longer create the facade?

Your Analysis of....

2006-02-25T15:05:00.000+04:00

ME! click on this link & select the 5- words U would associate with me. http://kevan.org/johari?name=blackempress Thanks

Perfect Lover

2006-02-19T14:19:00.001+04:00

I got Tagged by Om so here are 8 points about my 'ideal'. I never really thought about it seriously but now lets see what I can list. I suppose this is the deepest truth about my life ever on the blog!

This Is Dedicated to the ONE--whoever, whereever & watever he is! ;)

* The greatest thing I need in him are Principles. I like people who know what they are about & have set standards in their lives. He should know why he is doing what he is doing. I cannot respect people who don't have, as you say it "ground beneath their feet." My man better have faith in all he is & what he wants or has.

*With principles, comes the need to be courageous. He should be firm enough to stand for what he believes in irrespective of the opposition he encounters. I am certainly eccentric & would want him to be distinguished as well. Eccentricity requires firmness or its an open oppurtunity for the mockers.

*A very important aspect I need is that he needs to be practical. I can't stand people who weave big empty dreams & do nothing with their lives except creating Illusions. Practical means someone who has a good sense of all matters including finances, people & relationships.

*One thing I have found common between all the people I pick is that they are very intelligent/smart. I like having people who don't need too many words to understand something.

*I love laughter so he definitely needs to have a good sense of humor. I simply adore Witty people.

*Since I am a better listener than talker so he should be talkative. I am attracted to good conversationalist & orators. (Btw I have a weakness for good come-backs & sarcasm).

*He should be sincerely loving & devoted { I think I deserve that!!! ;-) }

*He should be open-minded. I am too broadminded at times so he needs to have an expansive mind as well to tolerate me & for us to stay happy. (plus I like doing my own thing most of the time so he needs to be accepting of that. No sir, no possessiveness for me!)

OK, I've written 8 points but still have some qualities left:

Originality, Creativity, independence, versatility, atheletic, good education, refined mannerism & Knowledge.

I guess that sums it all up.

I think that is too much to ask for, wouldn't you agree?

But what the Heck! No harm in trying....anyone matching the above requirements..contact me ASAP.

Stories From The Ward I

2006-01-08T00:19:00.001+04:00

I'm planning to add this as a weekly feature to share the tales from my professional life. I hope you will enjoy them too.

1st chest examination: This was the check-up for the respiratory system. It wasn't a problem, given that the team was co-operative & the patient was a lean male.(its difficult with the fat). But the trouble was that it was a male. It wouldn't have occured to me how my hands felt until the people I pracitised on told me that I had a light touch. Got the story? So it happened that while I was 'supposed' to be doing the superficial check(which was plainly feeling the entire chest with the palm) a 'crisp grasp' came from the patient. Everyone heard but all pretended innocence. I wasn't sure about continuing but did anyways-something else.That was the last time I ever checked the chest: I opted for the stomach instead :)

Paralysed Patients You might feel sorry for the stiffened patients being wheeled in but don't fall for it. They have amazing stories to tell. A couple of days back this middle-aged woman was brought in the medicine ward. Her attendants felt sorry for her that she couldn't even talk nor move her stiff limbs . The compassionate doctor went to examine her. He took his hammer & checked her reflexes to find that they were all present(in paralysis they're absent). He kept his calm & simply told the nurse to pass a tube down her nose into the stomach(Nasogastric tube which is painful)himself going into the other room. Within a few minutes he heard her scream...miracle doctor wasn't he! :D Alot of patients just fake for seeking attention & these kind of stories are not uncommon. We enjoyed the experience nevertheless.

The Long standing Question

2006-01-01T17:51:00.001+04:00

There is usually a thought in every person's mind whether expressed or not about their existence. For some it's there as adolescents & then somehow getting into the grinding of the daily chores they forget to question things.

There are those such as I, who since the last 15years have been trying to find the meaning of life. Born with a silver spoon in the mouth, good family, great friends, good education, ample oppurtunities to grow and discover various things in life,I am as clueless as I was 20years ago. I've dug up religion. I've delved into the psyche of the human minds & read a great many books on philisophy but never to recieve an answer to the question.

People claim to have found their way. We aren't in the position to be skeptical. They are those who have found a passion or if nothing else 'contentment' in their lives.

I wasn't given the oppurtunity to live to do what my neighbor's doing or even what my brother or mother wanted to. The whole idea is that we all were created for a different purpose. Some people are there to serve others & some are there to be served. It's the way Nature has created us. It wasn't to us to question 'why humans eat the chicken & the chicken don't eat humans?' Somethings just "are".

Somethings that 'are' for some are just not for others. As the saying goes "one man's spinach is another man's poison". This makes it harder for each of us to open a different goody bag & make sense of it.

The 'meaning of life' doesn't span contentment. It's just that contentment is a playing factor in it. I talk in broad terms.

"why was life created?" The older I get the more worthless things appear. It seems that there is very little to do. Everywhere its the same thing & it surmounts to nothing valuable. I don't know what people chase. Perhaps to the man on the street, money will be of the greatest importance & to the woman without children, having a child would make life worthwhile. Aren't these materialistic things? Haven't all the religions taught to rise above them? These are the things we can't live without or have to do without but its just that "there's gotta be more to life!" Career, family, money & love can't be the beginning and the end, or are they?

Tail Of 2005

2005-12-16T18:55:00.000+04:00

Another year gone by-time flies... perhaps memory makes us feel that way.

As far as I am Concerned this year has been of many emotional see-saws.

2005 was not exactly predicted to be a good year for me in the first place. In fact an occultist said that it would be a year of ‘no progress’ & it turned out to be true.

Despite the overall stickiness of the situation I would say that this has been a year of great emotional wealth.

There comes a point in your life when you have to take a stand for self-preservation & eradicate all the visible thorns from rending you further than they had been over the years. I wouldn’t call it ‘awakening’ because aware I had always been.

<>But this year I went through the kind of emotional turmoil that I couldn’t have even imagined-reached the peak, hit the trough then rose again. From that experience & those before it, I have found contentment in my life that I had been lacking in, until now. I have broken the chains that kept me from loving with an open heart. I no longer care for pretentious affection.

I have learnt that the person I see in the mirror is me & I dare not change my perspective about that person according to stupid opinions of others. I have found the truth & can proudly stand for my values regardless of anything.

<>I no longer need to be shy that others don’t think like me. Time has taught me great lessons & I have the courage to be who I am. I express what I desire. I may be different but I am happy being ME.

Another lesson I learnt this year is that truth always stands out. I no longer feel the need to please people only so that they may stay. They taught me the difference between fair-weather & foul-weather friends. Letting truth decide the fate, also showed me the real faces of those I thought were well-wishers. It was a mask they wore.

And the fact that my family would be the only support to me became more evident in the evaluation. I was born lucky.

Secondly I realized that it isn’t worth chasing someone who has no intentions of reciprocating. It’s only a matter of heartache on the long run.

<>Also “opposites don’t attract!” That is only in physics. Human relations are worst in that category resulting in lifelong scarring. Human bonding works on homeopathy principle:

“Like attracts like.”

Conclusion came that those who really love you will stand by you irrespective of moods or outside influences. Otherwise they aren’t worth in the first place!

Casting people aside, this has also been a depressing year on a personal growth margin. There were more teary days than those that had ever been over the years combined. Had to face the NOT-SO-ME person too & well…accept it. Circumstances like that turned up to cause distress. Fortunately it all passed.

Academically I see no great difference but hopefully from next week.

Physically, hmm…have to admit bout the realization of the fact that I have been gifted in this area without having to work for it. Praise the Lord!

Financially this had been a year of expenses. That was also because of a robbery late in the year that fell heavy on the budget.

Overall, especially the last few months went active. It was the time to settle with growing relationships in the family & how to manage them-another lesson in the emotional field.

Last but not the least; I learnt the power of blogging & the blessing of having good readers. I thought I would never get this chance. But I discovered that there are small worlds within our world & the things that give the greatest pleasure are common to us all.

I found good friends & great confidantes who further richen my emotional life. Love u all.

Happy new year everybody!!!

2005-12-10T11:56:00.000+04:00

Tender Moments Isnt it beautiful, when someone you love, gets you the thing you've had ur eyes on since sometime, especially when you least expect to ever get it! At the present moment I have the not-so-new yet my favourite( mark-the only Nokia set)Mobile in my hand & yet it seems like a dream. I didnt get it. I wanted to but I really didnt even think of it due to the cost. I am attracted to, as well as scared, of expensive things. Reasons Of it I'll skip. Anyways, I always admired it from the distance but a day back my sister surprised me by giving it to me as a gift. No birthday, no graduation... nothing! She was celebrating her love for me! I was so touched. I was kindda ambivalent due to the attachment to the old Sony Erricson of mine(me being a fan of it). But then the thought behind the effort & especially the cost of getting a gift out of her own pocket(which I assure u is a big thing for someone on pocket money esp when its a big price!) & then just the fact that it was my favourite person's love made me so excited with the new piece. IF that wasnt enough she wrote a long letter for me expressing her admiration & sentiments. To make it perfect she added a card to the whole thing. Then last but not the least she drew a big smiley That said "Keep smiling because I love you." Absolutely adorable! To me she is & will always b a kid no matter how old she gets-still the child of my heart. Shy as we are, I sent her a text : "That was the sweetest & most laughable letter I've ever gotten. Thanks :) Love u baby. You'll always be my sweet baby sissy!" She replied: "Aww...you melted this ole heart of mine. THanks :)" Both of us dont fall for just anything but when it comes to us both, there's an extra soft spot. At times like these, I really know that I am blessed! Thanks sis, U're the best :)

Stolen From Osbasso

2005-12-02T12:33:00.000+04:00

I found this on Osbasso's blog (who had taken it yet from someone else) & wanted to see wat everyone had to say. I dont mind if anyone else takes it from here. In fact I would love to fill it up for someone else! Ok folks... here goes! 01] I _____ Blackempress 02] Blackempress is _____. 03] If I were alone in a room with Blackempress, I would _____. 04] I think Blackempress should _____. 05] Blackempress needs _____. 06] I want to _____ Blackempress 07] Someday Blackempress will ___. 08]Blackempress reminds me of _____. 09] Without Blackempress _____. 10] My memories of Blackempress are _____. 11Blackempresscan be _____. 12] The worst thing about Blackempress is _____. 13] The best thing about Blackempress is _____. 14] I am _____ with Blackempress. 15] One thing I would like to know about Blackempress is _____. 16] Blackempress should go and _____. 17]Blackempress _____ me.

2005-11-25T19:40:00.000+04:00

Hip Hip Hurray!!!

2005-11-25T11:45:00.000+04:00

You are Form 8, Demon: The Destroyer. "And The Demon took advantage of the chaos and seized civillization. With grace and style, Demon slit The Goddess's belly and drowned the world in her blood. The Goddess, The Demon, and the world were no more." Some examples of the Demon Form are Seth (Egyptian) and The Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Christian).The Demon is associated with the concept of destruction, the number 8, and the element of earth.His sign is the full moon. As a member of Form 8, you are a very strong willed individual. You don't let others' opinions sway your own and you're usually not afraid to speak your mind. However, some may see you as a bit overly passionate but it's just because you never back down from your values. No matter what, you always do everything with style. Demons are the best friends to have because they will back you up. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by

Silent Scream

2005-10-22T12:10:00.001+04:00

I give you my trust Only to be exploited in return

I reveal my life to you Only to be criticized & degraded

I give you my honesty Only to be labeled

I give my all & you never quit taking

Now when it’s my turn I take back my life & give you only silence.

Misunderstood

2005-10-17T18:25:00.000+04:00

We were only trying to find each other

When we sacrificed for each other

Till circumstances forced us to part

You thought what you had to offer wasn’t good enough

So you set me free

I felt my presence not required

So in the silence, we let each other go

Now you swap your wounds with guilt

While I regret letting a beautiful friendship die.

Secret Admirer

2005-10-07T11:02:00.001+04:00

I sit on my star in the open galaxy Breaking off pieces to throw down into your universe Wouldn’t the sparkle catch your eye?

I lay on my rose in your garden Separating the petals & letting them fall Wouldn’t the fragrance rouse your senses?

I float on the ocean Dripping droplets into your desert Wouldn’t the change give you pleasure?

I wait on the rainbow Giving small spectrums on your water & glass Wouldn’t my art attract you?

I reveal myself in your reflection Showing you the picture of a complete life Wouldn’t you ask me to stay forever?

The missing part

2005-09-28T14:53:00.001+04:00

Hearts that beat but one day quieten down Hands that hold then simply let go Paths that meet then are swallowed by distance.

That’s our story. Your face no longer intrigues me. Your voice no longer comforts me. Your memories give no feeling. This is the fate you’ve written for yourself. Just let it go. Let it die. Leave our tale to be remembered in ambiguous words-perhaps we’d like to see it that way.

With this song I wrap up the good and the bad times with the faintest of smiles: not even a fraction of what it used to be!

Chained Up

2005-09-23T18:04:00.000+04:00

Thank you Z00nie, Amitken, Mitz, Choas, Anand, Ty, Original Ty, Nimnolith & Wiz. It was lovely to see how u carved out the words. I was really swept by some of the works. I’m putting them up together for u all to see & comment if u like, including my own. Thanks again, love u all. z000nie Come walk by me, laugh with me and hold my hand... {The story was finished in first sentence itself} -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mitz Come walk by me make me feel your inner warmth with your gentle, yet firm touch. Let the wind take us down a path unknown and show us the way to the place we know we both want to be. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ty Come walk by me right when I am about to rip one so you can hear me giggle and see me give myself a pound and a what what -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (original ty) Come walk by me blending colors in this gray shaded mistful path, lightly warming the cold breeze of a winter morning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nimnolith Come walk by me... through the shadows, mist, by the edges of my sanity...if you dare... You might find this strange but dont walk beside me, cause distance for me is like the air. I´m choking in the crowds of million eyes, in the sreets of plaster filled with dead souls, clowns, human caricatures, brealy living on the real... when I think again stay away because beside me you will lose another part of you..it will die in the chaos of many subreal lifes within me... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anand "Come walk by me... In the miasma of ambiguity enveloping the shores Come walk by me... In the obscurity of the night bleached by moonlight Come walk by me... In the resonance of splashes of incensed waves Come walk by me... And let the night witness our fading footprints Come walk by me on the sands of life leaving the reminiscence of our existence to be washed away by the tides of time..." ..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chaos Come walk by me On this meandering Path. Have we spoken to life? Today? Let’s be together On its Caribbean blue. On skies dark with dew. Come walk by me, So we can be Another world Together. Mists shall dissipate With our coming. Mists shall hide us From prying eyes. Darkness will find A true enemy In both you and me. Come walk by me, On sunbeams And moonbeams; On bubbles of love. Walk by me My heart My love My favourite Form of life!(hehe) Let me bring you joy In a world of steel Let me see your smile Behind that iron mask. Come walk with me, So we can fight The banality of this world Together. Come dearest Walk with me... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AmitKen Come walk by me... It’s good for health. : p "come walk by me i promise we wont get into a race, there'd be no winner or loser. Can we just walk hand in hand, and try to see that horizon? Together. come walk by me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wiz Come walk by me in the fields of wizdom [ps. wizdom is not my homeland or my town....or world. ( lol )] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blackempress Come walk by me Let us leave these city lights & find comfort in the arms of silence. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- & lastly Sirbarrett Come walk by me, and lets talk about anything, as we get away from everything, while we wander through it. Come let our legs kick at a pace set by interest, interest in whatever lures you, my dear. I will lead and I will follow, sharply dive and duck. I will not tarry but listen all through the viaducts. Our minds together, and our words a song, pulling us softly through the city. Once we are through, me and you, we may need to stop walking to catch up

Tag! Ur it!

2005-09-14T07:33:00.000+04:00

I'm gonna write the first line & I'd like you to come up with ur version of the remaining story ( can b anything..prose or poem, whatever u like. No restriction of length either. ) I'll put up the resulting works with ur names. Would love to see wat u create! Here goes: " Come walk by me..." Waiting :)

A fool’s paradise

2005-09-10T14:49:00.002+04:00

Here I stand Just the place where you left me Clinging to the ghosts of your memories Desperately seeking any amount of comfort they give

Here I shake In cold sweat of the drugs from your skin Drained & bare of everything including dignity

No way to return to the roads that we left behind Your presence deliberately locked me here I can still see your victorious smile as you walked away So sure that you’d won & left me in chains

Here I Stand In the chains your love bound me in Foolishly not to escape while the chance remained

Here I stand With little but an addicted mind Intently waiting for another dose of your sweet torture

Epitaph

2005-09-05T13:04:00.006+04:00

Here lies ...
...Someone So watch where you are going!

Tread no more than already trodden!

Request for electricity still unmet!

Out to lunch! :D

Dinner at 8.00 See you when you get there!

Don’t tread! I’ll be waiting for you at the other end

Please respect this place -It could happen to you too.

Final time

2005-08-28T15:47:00.000+04:00

The final folding of the clothes
I watched leaning against the doorway
Hard to believe that time had actually passed by
Did we ever meet?
How long had it been?
It felt like years & then…
Perhaps never.
I wanted to tell you that I loved you
But I knew you were aware
I would miss everything about you
I had accepted that,
At least to myself
A friendly, tearless goodbye.
Nothing left to say
Emotions stifled,
The good & bad quietly stashed away
Everything seemed vain at the instant
The truth would seep soon.
Glancing over my shoulder for the last time
At the epitome of grace, I sighed
A part I preferred leaving unnamed for so long,
Flickered like the remains of a burnt out candle.
But I blessed my stars for a wonder in my life
Having no clue of where time would leave us
I took my first step towards freedom &
My prison of silence.

The Whole Soul story

2005-08-09T16:16:00.000+04:00

There's a big change happening & I only seek a refuge within my universe till all the walls have fallen & the storm has passed. Dreams have died & hopes are attending their funeral. All my life I called out to those I thought were around only to hear the echoes of my own voice saying "Can you help me?" Sometimes the sound made me sad, sometimes it left me feeling forlorn but otherwise it gave me a sense of independence. It made me realize that I was strong. It evoked the feeling of a survivor. The voice inside said: "You were made to survive. You were born to survive & so you shall!" "This is your universe for you to discover. You are free to do as you will. There is no one timing so go ahead take your time & learn whatever you can on the way. It is you alone to find your path where there is no judge except you. Let your mind be your guide." It was an prideful position but then insecurity decided to pay a call asking "What if I can't make it on my own? What if I lose my way or need some help? Can't I find any support?" Then the provident voice inside spoke: "Should you need someone, I'll always be here." I smiled knowing that I would never be alone again.

Pure Ecstasy

2005-08-04T11:52:00.000+04:00

Silent Majesty

That’s the only word to describe the thrill that rushes through my body like electricity when I catch the glimpse of that “silent beauty”. I always fantasized standing atop the highest peak with my arms wide open to the sky & my head thrown back to feel the breeze on my face. I was in love with the rocks from the moment I saw the first person sitting on one in some photograph.

Now years older & having experienced the thrill of rock-climbing & hiking I’m still excited like an awed child looking at something fascinating for the first time. The immediate feeling is like the spirit awoken from deep down. There’s an adrenaline rush & I want to just throw a rope to the top & climb up. Strangely I get a maternal feeling from them. I feel like putting my arms around the whole of the mountain & hugging it. I want to caresse the side appearing like velvet covered with the trees & bushes. I want to dive in the cold rivers rushing through its banks. I know there’s no chance of survival with the wild rocks beneath its swooshing waves but that doesn’t stop me wanting to take a dip. They give me life even when my spirits are low. Water gives me a deep feeling. I don’t mind shivering in the chilling waves. I feel my own depth within them. I don’t know how else to say it. It calms me down. It takes away my worries. I feel at home.

The mountains with their majesty stand proud to symbolize strength & ambition. The most dangerous turns don’t scare me. Neither the bumpiest rides nor the toughest rocks make me change my mind. I want to go on & I do. The snow & wind can make me shiver but cannot bar my way. No landslide or an avalanche could scare me away. So I call it love. It’s the most remarkable feeling unlike any other. It says nothing; just quietly stands glowing in its glamour. It’s a refreshing sight to view the trees & flowing waters surrounded by different kinds of rocks. Someone with no love for adventure might tell you that “you see one mountain. You’ve seen them all.” No sir! Not to me. Every rock has its own size, color, texture & shape. Not only that they all have different values. I found pieces of limestone amongst the other rocks. I have a collection of them now that I cherish like jewels. To me they are. I could spend hours quietly admiring Nature. There’s peace in it yet not destroyed by the human hands nor selfish like the human heart.

Think

2005-07-29T09:04:00.000+04:00

I saw this question posted on someone's blog & it set my mind in motion. I wanted to know what U thought about it: " IF u had a choice between fixing something in the past & knowing an important event from the future what would you choose?" IN my case my life would change inside-out so I'd fix a past event. What's your pick?

Fates Unknown

2005-07-21T11:31:00.000+04:00

TODAY I await you not,

I only sit by the window reminiscing The tender moments that fill my mind. Your gentle whisper caresses my ear As I acknowledge your tale with a smile I recall the way you lightly touched my hand Telling me a million tales, spoken in silence.

Through the misty picture I could still trace The outline of your smile with my fingertips

Time has created unbridgeable distances & I wonder how much of us you’d remember & miss

I know not where you are

But like this dandelion I blow you a kiss on the wind To float away to its fate-stranded & forgotten Like the story of our lives.

Time lapse

2005-07-16T16:33:00.000+04:00

I called an old friend today. There really was no need to talk. Perhaps it was a test for the mind & heart to see if the pain still lingered.

The tone continued twice, thrice then a familiar voice answered. It had taken courage to reconnect after ages. Was it good to hear the sound? Not particularly-just strange. Time already gone had its own tale. Today was a different story. There was a lot of time lapse-too much missed & neither side was willing to bridge the distance. The past was buried. Pain never mentioned. Feelings now hollow. It was just a mastery of the mind to keep extending the conversation. The will to share was gone. In reality only strangers who’d met at some cross-road: Strangers who had held & consoled each other at one time.

Age brought along its tides of change. Who’d know who we are now? We were accustomed to pretense back then; reverting back to it even now was nothing new. Charm fades & values deplete; all that remain from a life so sweet are memories- or not even those.

Love’s despair

2005-07-12T13:02:00.000+04:00

He woke up in the middle of the night. The lamp was still on. The side of the bed was empty. He checked the time. It was 20 minutes past 1 am. He got a little worried knowing her mid-night walk habit that she hadn’t left even after her single years ended. He pulled his robe on & turned the latch. He checked the hall which was empty meaning that his parents were asleep. He carefully walked down the stairs & entered the dimly lit bar with only a single bulb lighted at the far end.

He saw her seated on the stool & sprawled across the counter. Her wrists were hanging off the edge. He got really anxious but made no hurried effort so not to wake her. He touched her sweaty hand & gently stroked her bare arm up to her shoulder. The entire limb was full of perspiration as though she’d just showered. Riverlets of sweat trickled down the border of his palm & dropped to the floor, as he halted.

She gathered her arms & straightened her head staring him right in the eye with her own blood-shot ones. He really wanted to reprimand her yet just hold her close. He understood that love hurt & he was weak as far as she was concerned. He’d suffered in love so could relate to what she was feeling then. He was jealous of the man she loved because she belonged to him, yet he was powerless. He thought that it’d taken a lot of misery for her to come down for a drink since it was against her nature to drink. Still not accustomed to it, drinking was torture for her. Despite her hatred for whisky she had gotten herself drunk.

She quietly studied his face, waiting for him to scold her & lecture her on her foolishness for loving someone who could never belong to her.

He didn’t.Instead he stepped closer & from behind cupped her face tenderly in his palm & stroke it with his thumbs.

She looked up with her innocent eyes then extended her arms around his neck. He bent down & he kissed her on the nape as she called his name in desperation. She ran her fingers through his hair & he picked her up. Partly drunk & partly broken he seemed to be a raft in a stormy weather; she was sure she had him for now & didn’t hesitate to lean on him in her misery. Throughout it’d been a story never meant to change.

Another Brick in the Wall

2005-07-06T11:35:00.000+04:00

<>It is the heart’s misfortune to love. We only suffer for our own desires. No one is to be blamed for the pain we feel. It is our own inadequacy to count on people. They know not how to heal but are experts at rending. So what if there’s no hand to hold? <> There may be a need for none. It’s about learning to aspire higher than human hands can carry. In self shall thee find a universe enough to get along this rusty road of life. Another bitter end is just another brick in the wall.

The Beloved's Departure

2005-07-03T22:37:00.000+04:00

Could I hold u for just another minute? Just another moment till the stifling of this heart would cease? It's the pain that stirs it. Besides that it has no other meaning. I would not delay you. I won't hold on too long. It's just the sense of loss that makes me quiver. You shouldn't think of anything else. I have no ill-intentions. I have no other purpose. If you tell me that it's going to be alright then I might stabilize but I doubt that to be true. I want you in my life & don't know how to go on without you. I have done that for more than 2 decades now but how do you convince your heart that it can go on without someone? I just know that I love you & can't forget all that we've shared. I know that everything will work out in fact I've lived with the idea of the whole thing ending. But goodbye isn't easy. Its bitter-sweet when departure is short but on the long run its better to say nothing.

Love-at-first-sight.

2005-06-13T15:23:00.000+04:00

Do you believe in love at first sight? Yea baby, I do. Been there! Done that! I ain’t talking about the people who look at one-fall in love (make that lust) & repeat the pattern 2000 times over again. I'm talking about that fatal attraction at the first instance that only grows into real love with time. It’s a strange sort of a click that happens in your brain.

You need to be close-just to reconfirm. Unknown kinds of forces push & pull between you till you finally give in.

It continues as you find excuses to stick together & unconsciously can't keep your eyes off this new person. You want to impress them & they do the same to you. There's a need to relate to "that" person time after time. There is the person you find your reflection so sharply in. Here before your eye is the person you want to be close to. This is the inevitable romance that your heart waited all those damned years for & it says...this is your person! Have you ever felt the tingling under the skin; the butterflies in the tummy when he or she looked your way?

Did you deep inside pray that they'd go on looking & find something as valuable in you as much as you found in them. There you stood hoping that when the time comes you’d be the lucky one who’d be picked out from the crowd.

And remember the feeling when the hand gently brushed against your arm. That rush of emotions-the deeply stirring touch that roused a thousand latent emotions! It was the delicate way the fingers moved about that made the heart skip a beat. It was in the smile & the eyes that spoke volumes without a word. It was there in the way he or she spoke or gazed.

If you recall, you know it’d happened to you whether you were the love skeptic or the romantic, you know that once in your life love held you prisoner- you were lucky!

A Stroll On the Shore

2005-06-08T10:37:00.000+04:00

The night was cold & humid. A soft breeze blew through the city. They walked down the shore with their hands in their pockets. They enjoyed the moments they shared. The moon was high & the tides were low. The waves rolled at the shore & slide silently into the sands. The moon made the tides glitter with the light. They ambled with their gaze low. An unfaltering smile danced on their lips. For a moment they stopped & it felt like forever when she looked into his deep blue eyes. Those ocean blue eyes that appeared tired & cold were warm & aglow that night. The sea reflected in them. He smiled down at her innocent face, spell-bounded by the beauty held in them. The moon-lit eyes appeared a hazy shade of silvery-gray. The wind tossed about their hair. The moment merged the two souls into one. They became the tides & its winds; with the friendship of a lifetime & a promise of forever.

Love- Madness

2005-06-06T17:40:00.000+04:00

I knew that this would happen. I knew that this was love from the surge of the weird desires. I knew it was a mistake to let even the thought of you seep through my senses. I didn’t think that they would sweep over & take control of all of me. I was short-sighted. There’s a miracle in your hand that cured all ails of mine. I was running around tangled in my own chains & soul searching in the ashes of memories. You took my hand & freed me. Since that time I have been a fool for you. I’ve been running from you at every corner but your shadows follow me everywhere. I tried to run at the turn of the corner but even as I turned to check if I’d lost you- there you stood right in front of my eyes. As always your smile won me over. The softness of your face always captivated me & I found myself in love again.

I knew I was sinking in quick sand & no matter how hard I tried to stay afloat I could only go down. I suppose that’s what they call love. I ain’t blind, I assure you. I know that I act absurd, but don’t all lovers know that? I worship your memories. I worship the ground beneath your feet. You look my way & I try to hide the love in vain. I am so trapped & I’m happy to be your prisoner. I’d gladly bear the torment you bestow upon me with the mere thought that you give me attention. Its crazy isn’t it?

I’ve tried to chase you from my mind but I see only you wherever I look. I search for you in my happy moments & I want to reach to you when I’m down. I am self-sufficient but where does that sufficiency go when you’re around? Why is it like wild fire when my eyes catch that unmistakable glimpse of you? You color my dreams. You trail me by the moonlight. Each song is filled with the music of your thought. Every sentence I speak is diseased with your influence. If I could erase a part of my mind I’d erase all that holds your name. But then my life would fade out like the painting with the color extracted. My life is beautiful because you are part of it. You are the object of my desire that makes me feel the love that I feel. You are my love, even if it kills me it would be the sweetest trip into eternity.

A promise I make

2005-05-30T10:00:00.000+04:00

Language was created to convey only a minute part of the emotions. If I could reveal the depth of love I felt for you, I would’ve even torn opened my insides to show you. I lay here mercilessly vulnerable to any kind of treatment you would imply on me. Here is my life; here is my heart. If I could give you the world I would. If I could exchange every joy of mine with each sorrow of yours, I would. If you’ve ever known love, you wouldn’t know anyone as unconditional as mine. You might say that I am not practical. You say that I am dependent. I could tell you that I like being that way. Life is perfect with you there & if you’re not there, there’s no life. Life has no purpose. Maybe I’m short-sighted. But then who knows tomorrow. I know not if we might be here. I can’t promise to be alive for you, but I do promise to be with you till I exist. I would want you in my life tomorrow, the next day & the day after that but life gives no guarantees. I know that you’re in this moment with me & that means a lot to me. More than you’ll ever know perhaps.

Religious hour

2005-05-15T05:58:00.000+04:00

It’s been a long time since I last connected with my God. Maybe I was missing that spiritual feeling again that needed to be emended. So for a change decided to take to the holy temple I’d built in the corner of my apartment. I lit the tiny orange lamps darkening the remaining of the room.

There right in front of my eyes was the statue of my Savior. I didn’t believe that the stone in front of me was the one who was listening; after all he was created by the hands of some man but I believed that the actual Deity could relate directly to his forms & know we were turning to him.

He must be busy-always on the move listening & solving someone’s troubles. I knew I just had to be patient till he could get to me. This way it was easier to wait than other people’s beliefs that some prayers were kept for the hereafter & some were altered in exchange for something better. I don’t know about hereafter. I can’t even remember my past life. How could I be sure I was here before when everything I see is new? I should’ve remembered something at least (or maybe I was a flower so was immobile & had no eyes!) anyways this concept always confuses me no matter how many times my mother explained it.

I was always Ms-Right so I wanted what I wanted. I was right in my demand so should receive that & nothing else! I’m sure my Lord had learnt that I was stubborn by now so would give me as demanded. Sometimes that approach works! (Trust me!)

Anyways I was spiritual if not religious. (Let me make believe that otherwise I might suffer a complex) I tried to get everything in perfect form before I got into the procession. (Must be one of the reasons I prayed seldom). I lit the sandalwood incense & spread it across the room, twirling with it like it was a magic wand then inhaled the deep strong relieving scent. Taking my lighter I burnt the wicks of the long standing candles arranged in a circle around the room.

I looked at my watch & thought about the date at night. ‘Have 2 hours before I need to start preparing’ I thought smiling which meant I could meditate for an hour & still have an hour on my hand.

“Shoot!” I exclaimed. I hadn’t even started & was already thinking of finishing the worship & getting back to the world. So much for being spiritual! I hoped I wouldn’t lapse into meditating the conversation & make-up for the night instead of seeking spiritual guidance!

I’m sure god would understand-I was human after all. We all make mistakes. ;)

Abstract

2005-05-09T12:36:00.000+04:00

I've forgotten a part of me that I need to find. I Don't know where I left it. I don't know even if I had it. Did I lose it on the way or did it never exist? If I told my story, I'd still get no answer. At times the pregnant silence gets so hard to bear & these words resound in my head: "You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memories. But the answer is always there." (Evanescence) I don't know whats killing me inside. If someone knows, won't they tell me?

Small Tokens of Appreciation that matter!

2005-05-07T13:13:00.000+04:00

It was my parent’s 26th wedding anniversary a few days back. Their anniversary has been the most important day of the year for ages to me. It gives me the opportunity to appreciate them as one because I feel a bit of discrimination on birthdays. This time it's equal for both so saves me the guilt of leaving the other one out. Since a few years I've tried to come up with a new idea EVERY YEAR to surprise them. I always feel it becomes little more important & meaningful if it's unexpected. I've always loved surprises. So even though I don’t get them myself I do try to give them to those close to me. Last year...silver Jubilee-we (me & my siblings) planned a big party at the hotel they were married in (though another spot would've saved us money & served better food). Nevertheless we kept the sentiments & gave the memories a newer meaning. They weren't just surprised, they were shocked! But it turned out great, with all their friends & all our friends. This year I wanted to change the routine of decorating the hall outside their bedroom in the middle of the night so they wake up to find a place ready for a party with balloons& party spray & gifts. No fudged cakes either. The surprise for this year was to 'have no surprise'. It becomes a routine & expected so, break the cycle. The theme of this year was "26" but didn't carry it out to the end. I decided to get 26 cards & that was bout it. We wrote special messages in them from their 1st year of marriage till now-one for each year. A milder reincarnation of last years photo album-with 25 years photos together covering all the years in approximately 45pictures. This was a light year-nothing too fancy. Designed the cards in the form of 26 & left em on the table outside & came home from work to find them decorated with ribbons on my parent’s cupboards. Sweet! This is what I call a creative family. My parents surprised us with jewelry & watches as gifts last year. This year it was a nice quiet dinner. It really pays off to be a wonderful little family. Do a little & it come back; Life’s small meaningful pleasures.

2005-05-07T12:47:00.000+04:00

Here's Their return

About the people we call Friends

2005-05-01T23:31:00.000+04:00

A best friend is great because you have:

Someone who’ll listen to you almost anytime of the day, without complaining that you whine too much( otherwise You’ll say that to them on their turn)
Someone who wouldn’t mind hearing the most disgusting things you did (even if they’re disgusted themselves-it’s gossip)
Someone who’ll cheer you up if you’re down (so what if you’re blue, they’re in a good mood!)
Someone who’ll be there when you need someone (hint: they want you to do the same for them)
Someone who’ll value you for who you are (no choice, they don’t want to change either).
Someone who’ll never really forget you, wherever they go ( If they get caught they’ll need someone dependable to bail ‘em out)
Someone who’ll thrive in your success (of course, they get part of it too)
Someone who’ll remember to wish you on your birthday (they don’t want to miss the party nor be forgotten on their days)
Someone who’ll stand by your side through thick & thin (I wonder what the ‘thick’ & ‘thin’ refer to??? Must be the weight issue!)
Someone who knows what food you like (makes sure they get that before you decide on something more expensive)
Someone you could call in the middle of the night & tell about your gf/bf trouble( they don’t want to miss the spicy stories)
Someone you could share any part of your life with (it’s over, they won’t have to deal with the trouble again, hopefully)
Someone who would keep your secrets (recheck definition of secret; once said is no longer a secret plus they’re not telling you who they told!) On the brighter side, you’ll always have someone by your side. That’s great itself.

(No offense meant to anyone. My own friends are PRECIOUS to me.)

Mistake

2005-05-01T17:50:00.000+04:00

I look at you & I see a broken dream, I reach out to you & touch nothingness, I think about you & my mind's only creating illusions I hold you & experience detachment I behold your eyes & feel coldness ................... I look inside myself & find unrequited love I reach into my soul to feel the emptiness I think of myself & rationalise the hurt I hold myself to prevent from falling I see my reflection & realize my mistake.

Graveyard story

2005-04-30T05:53:00.000+04:00

(This was the original writing, couldn't resist sharing it. I liked this better even though the other one went with the 'my immortal' lyrics better) She ambled down the graveyard with a lost expression on her face. she tried counting the reasons to live now, failing the attempt. She wanted to break down & cry but the intensity of the pain detached her from life & she felt numb; even to her own body. His agile, lithe body bounced infront of her eyes that registered nothing in the present. His sparkling eyes &wide grin lighted her own. The illusion vanished & she found herself once more in the graveyard.she turned around to have a last look at the little grave, adorned with the fresh pink flowers. Beneatht he same soil were her own joys & dreams buried. Her world that was once colorful was suddenly bleak. She entered her door & his photos surrounded her on all 4 walls. His image danced around her. Just a few hours ago he'd been running in the same halls that were now darkened. Where once he'd given her the incentive to breath & dream, was now the place where his memories haunted her.

My Immortal

2005-04-27T14:29:00.000+04:00

I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears She walked along the graves, absorbed in herself-her expression, neither of sorrow nor pensive: lost. She conjured the reasons to live & couldn't come up with a single answer. And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave She turned around to have a last look of the tiny grave topped with the fresh pink roses. Her pain was so intense that she felt numb; dead to her own body. She wanted to cry but felt her link broken with mortality; she knew she was still on the ground. 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone His lithe body with his naughty grin bounced in front of her, lighting up the side of her smile. She, dwelling in the reverie managed to smile for a moment. She could hear his innocent laughter in her ears & then the illusion vanished; forcing her back to her world. These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase She walked on, nothing to hold on to from the past: nothing for the future as she buried her hopes & dreams, beneath the soil of the grave. When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me There was no question that he was her world; her life; her song. He was the meaning. He was everything. Nothing could tear them apart-nothing except death. You used to captivate me By your resonating life Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind He had brought so much love & laughter in her life when it was falling to pieces. He had given her hope to survive when her chances were nil. He gave her strength to face her troubles & succeed. He reawakened her dreams & a whole wonderful new life. His joy revoked her own. She felt human having him in her life. Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me She entered her door to find the darkness. A few hours eariler his laughter had echoes in the halls. She'd chased him while playing. He'd ran with the roses she'd bought for someone else. Now those roses lay on his grave. His immortal soul swept across the halls. His photgraphs surrounded her, on all 4 walls. His dazzling smile & his sparkling eyes, captured & frozen for endless time. I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along Alone once before him, alone once again, she faced her future. She didn;t know what would become of her dreams. The only thing that seemed worthwhile was the dagger lying across the kitchen table. She promised to join him soon. She couldn't imagine her life without him, till then his memories would haunt and please-perhaps be the only company till death wouldn't either keep them apart.

Fears & Hopes

2005-04-25T14:57:00.000+04:00

There’s a door for a new world open for me but I stand afar, frightened like a child. There are fears about what that door has behind it yet there is a strange curiosity. My mind desperately clings to the fears it had harbored since childhood of where it might lead to. With the fear comes the need to control, so try to conjure how I’d feel if I walked through. But how could I say when I don’t even know what’s there? I don’t know what I’m hoping for. I look back & there’s no other route. I stand in the middle of nowhere, unable to go back, & too afraid to step ahead. Could I be happy? Will I get everything I want or would be a lifetime of silence? No one knows my story; no one will understand what happened.

2005-04-21T19:27:00.000+04:00

Memorable moment

I stood atop the highest peak I could find. One part of my life was over, for which I was grateful. I’d been through as much manipulation as had been loved. Sometimes miracles happen, this was one. I felt so light despite knowing that in another part of the town someone else was crying.

<>I sighed, out of relief & maybe some heartache. Nevertheless I was easy.

I opened my eyes to find the sun setting. The skies were a resplendent splash of violets, oranges & pinks- a rare combination but the most spectacular view possible. Naturally the remains of my feelings dissolved as I watched the colors merge & the darkness make its way in.

The wind blew & I let my hair loose to let them beat with the breezes. My folded arms relaxed as I put them into my pockets. My tensed face smoothed into a pensive but calm state.

The last of the scarlet reminded me of the recent fight. It was the shade of blood. We’d bled together, I recalled the way you’d seared my skin with glass in your lusty rage. It still haunted me.

The pink reminded me of my first sip of champagne, on our date-your eyes intently grazing at me while I lifted the glass to my lips.

Orange was the curtains you had put in your studio, where we’d endless photography sessions of me, followed by hours of love-making.

The seeping moonlight reminded of the white dress I wore at the last dance, the way you held me by the arms to take a look at it. How you constantly sought excuses to caress my neck with your lips! You said you loved the floral scent of my perfume. It was one of the best of times.

Black was the cloud setting on our lives now. The sky had painted the whole story in a short time. I wore black too-celebrating the funeral of our lives.

I had no regrets for it to be over. There was no going back. We’d a great time, good times as well as bad. We’d been through so much together. But it was time to abandon what only caused pain & bitterness now.

There’d be someone else for the two of us. Perhaps in another life, if we could patch up our flaws we’d survive. In this lifetime, our places weren’t together. I belonged to someone else-perhaps Nature. I had always been identified with the wind-perhaps I was. I wish you enough love that you’d make it through this life & take a bow to pursue my life in peace.

Human stain

2005-04-18T17:16:00.000+04:00

I was temporarily working in the children’s cancer ward. I was still discovering my job as a counselor there, while noting the distress parents went through for their children & the sickness concerned. Not a great position for you to be in, when people are carrying fragile lives in their arms with pleading eyes to save the greatest treasures of their lives. No one could retain the lives Lord had decided to place into heaven quickly. It was a difficult situation nevertheless. One day a girl, more familiar to the place than me, was wheeled in. She kept crying without consolation. The entire team gathered around to tend but she wouldn’t stop, fearing that the chemotherapy would cause the hair-loss & ruined her skin etc. I listened patiently & tried to console as much as I could. I later learnt that she’d been in therapy since 3 years & had developed the cancer at the age of 12. I also learnt her name “Kanwal” meaning ‘flower’. She was from the east, perhaps Indian. She turned out to be my favorite & she started to really like me because I always went to ask her & give her time. Not trained enough in those days I didn’t understand the procedures such as the Lumbar puncture (which was to extract a little of the spinal fluid & investigate for various cells for diagnosis of the stage & type of cancer) & others. It just amazed me to see the will these patients had to hold on to life. That was when I really learnt to value all that I was blessed with. Just a doctor(actually a student in a white-coat then) going up to someone to ask how they were, to stand for 5 minutes & listen to the patient’s feelings & fears, to be there to give a hand to console for just 2 minutes meant so much to her. In those eyes I learnt what fear of dying was like. I could not extent her time on earth. I could only try to encourage her to live better in the time she was allowed. Perhaps she understood. She always felt better after talking with me. She asked for me when I wasn’t around & anticipated my visit as soon as she arrived. I reciprocated the feelings to a great extent. She taught me the value of human compassion. Then one day I hoped that she would come for a check-up so I could give her this rose I’d been saving for someone worthwhile since years. I knew she was the perfect candidate. My working period in that ward was over. Fortunately she came. She felt a bit shy at first then took it, with pleasure gleaming in her usually sad eyes-the eyes that longed to see better days. She held my hand for a few minutes & then had to be taken for her tests so I didn’t get a chance to see her again. I watched her being taken in the examination room as they made her change into a gown. Morosely I whispered a sotto-voce goodbye. I knew my voice couldn’t mange to break her heart that I wouldn’t see her again. I left the building that day, ambivalent about the situation. There was a contentment that she’d remember someone sincerely cared about her. On the other hand equally sad that I was leaving her alone with her dreams of dressing up & braids. I would never return to those gates, would never know if her dreams came true & whether she won the battle of life or surrendered to Heaven.

Original thoughts

2005-04-11T14:31:00.000+04:00

" If one person loves you with their heart & soul, you'll find a meaning of life in it But if one person hurts you, step out & see how little the value is of one person." "Dont pretend to attach importance to something that doesnt have any value to u Because it may deprive the person for whom it may actually have a lot of importance."

A changed LIfe

2005-04-08T17:08:00.000+04:00

A subtle lift of the mouth at the corners then followed by a suppressed giggle. The eyes shone differently. She hit her head lightly to chase away the thought as the smile widened into a grin. The heart pounded slightly but it felt pleasant. There was fragrance without any flowers. The wind learnt tune. The body broke the laws of gravity & began walking on air. Suddenly there were magic everywhere. She could whisper to the breeze & receive an answer. The ground was dew-covered. Every person sounded sweet, echoing the depth & pitch of the one loved voice. The skies seemed different. The rooms that once seemed lonely & dark were filled with sunshine. The existing silences had drowned in the melody of the breezes. The emptiness inside had gone. Something had surely changed. The smile seemed to emit from deep inside. The mind that was once distracted & unhappy became vibrant. Where once there was always autumn there was now spring. She felt so much love inside. The world seemed so bright & beautiful. Somewhat embarrassed by the confession, she whispered with her eyes twinkling “I’m in love.”

Fallen

2005-04-05T13:42:00.001+04:00

Your name reverberates in my head

Preventing me from living & forbidding me to die

Its caustic, flares up tormenting pain

& its sweetness lures me back into that hell.

Warning signs had done little but challenge

I chose to fall into your seductive abyss

Not knowing that its light had been consumed

& I became the permanent prisoner of darkness.

Your celestial image walks in front of my eyes

My tortured mind speaks your name in sleep & rising

These tears damn you quietly

As much as these senses cry out in longing.

There’s nothing besides this endless falling-

My cursed fate for being in love with you!

Dream Come true

2005-04-04T11:25:00.000+04:00

A child's wish, a woman's dream...thanks to all my readers for making it come true. {the counter just crossed 1000} :) hope we enjoy all the upcoming time together. Thank you once agian. Words fall short expressing the joy & gratitude I feel .

Life After Love

2005-03-31T10:24:00.001+04:00

(A dialouge between two girlfriends after one loses her lover)

Loneliness is a friend so easy to keep

When the hurt sinks soul-deep

The heart learns to rely on its only friend

& the mind distrusts the mortals & starts to pretend.

Mortal minds are the same only thinking alters

& when the heart is wounded trust does falter

But given time the wound heals & trust can be regained

Loneliness is no friend & only encourages to feign.

Feigning is easier than opening a wounded soul

Loneliness can make a person whole

Broken trust takes time to revive

By then the heart finds other means to survive.

Survival of the fittest comes natural to all

But the heart should learn to stand after a fall

Giving up hope is no way to live

To get the best, requires the best to give.

Hearts are prone to play silly games

A new game opens & nothing stays the same

One heart broken is one piece lost

The loss of another-the higher the cost.

The cost gets higher that’s for sure

From such skirmishes no heart is secure

But itself the heart must learn to mend

& not shatter to pieces as it usually tends.

Love lies in words but lesser in deeds

Its love that makes the heart bleeds,

A promise of love & that’s how the story goes

A new passion & that’s the end of the vow.

Everything has it’s time to go

One performance over & its time for the next show

There’s a lot to give for alittle gain

& the heart must be strong enough to learn to live again.

Dreams are for the day & tears for the night

Thrown into the pits after exalted to such heights

How could the heart then learn to trust?

When after hovering the skies it’s thrown onto the dust.

Love needs time to develop if it has to live long

Even the wings of a bird take time to grow strong

First they learn & then they fly

Similarly faith & trust grow as time goes by.

The pain of some wounds is too much concealed

It hurts the pride to know it could be revealed

It’s not instantaneous but recurs time after time

& when encountered with its source, reaches its prime.

Wounds can heal if they are exposed

Nothing can affect what is closed

There can’t be any heroes without any call

Then how can they know when there is a fall?

Why take the chance when the end is the same?

Why risk a lifetime to guilt & blame?

Arrival of the right one might take years

Is that really worth all the tears?

What are years compared to a lifetime of bliss?

Every sacrifice quashes when matched with this

Why feel sorrow or guilt if love turns out wrong?

There’ll be greater love when the right one comes along.

She

2005-03-29T22:20:00.000+04:00

She is the dream that touches reality, Then folds inside herself again, She is the one who loves you, Her love peeks from those valentine chocholate wrapppers, She is the one who tends to the night, To make it pleasant & peaceful for you, She feels ur pain, She'll cry ur tears for u, So u can smile for her, She'll understand how u feel- You'll see her glow when you talk. She secretly guards her love for you, Pretending she doesnt know you love her. She wants another dance with you, But is too shy to ask. In that tender heart she harbors a desire, To be loved unconditionally, Only for her.

2005-03-23T22:27:00.000+04:00

Dancing In The Mists

Unveiling Beauty

2005-03-23T06:27:00.000+04:00

Dedicated to Sabs It wasn’t like it was new-had been social since long but this seemed like a suitable match. No one could deny that it was seemingly torn by conflicts, yet there was unbelievable attraction. I thought it wouldn’t last. Funny as it turned out to be that similarities were on war. It was thought-provoking. The mere notion that here was someone who appeared so different yet displayed the same colors was fascinating in itself. I spent like 22 years walking the same streets & had also met my lost twin on the way but this was far more fun. I always enjoyed deciphering difficult personalities, especially the discrepancies in nature. I had a love for discovering what people tend to conceal. I was quick to notice the qualities that were similar to mine in whoever they appeared. This was a different case. It took time. Not much of my nature to wait around for things to show. This was a case of breaking a precedent & without regret. It was amusing to watch different roles in one person at a particular time. Here were feet that altered grounds as smoothly as foam on the tides. I called it fluidity & when I should’ve hated MY quality exhibiting in someone else, I loved it. I would never claim to be good at playing games but I was amused by observing contestants at their crafty sport. I’ve always marveled at some people’s talents for “tackling” others. I suppose we all have that to some limit in us. I discovered depth-something I was longing for since ages. Any area I tried laying a finger on just sublimed into a multihued bubble-like mass before vanishing without a trace. The fantasy was too exciting. I wanted to touch & explore it before it drifted into thin air. I didn’t get opportunities like it too often. Anything to rouse my intrinsic qualities was inviting. I wanted so badly to know ME that I treaded into unwelcome grounds to discover it. When a mental challenge waited, it was too tempting to refuse. I had to at least try shifting things around & put the pieces in the correct order. I really wasn’t the puzzle person but nevertheless could at least conjure the type of piece that’d fit, if not the real thing. I’d use any means to get my answers which could be anything from my imagination or music to philosophy. I’ve always believed that every lock has a key. If there shall exist one, I should get it. Pretty adamant attitude don’t you think? Surely one you’d admire to know. Just the unlocking was exhilarating & became far more rewarding if consisted of some gems. It wasn’t that behind every lock there was a treasure; at times it consisted of aged soot. The experience was crushing. But some locks held treasures beyond imagination. I knew the secret of life-treasures were well guarded. Remember the pearl shell, the butterfly’s cocoon or the diamond in the ore, even the rainbow was covered by clouds. The greatest beauty was always hidden. I learnt that early. I, being of vivid imagination longed for fancy. I couldn’t blame myself for being in love with the obscure. I’d already had an affair with “touch me & I’ll disappear”, it was unlikely that I’d miss the chance to date “touch me but you can’t”. I could see solid feet but never knew how well they’d transform. My dreams came true. Illusions in real life! Someone prevent me from falling in love! I’d been pathetic at resisting temptation. I wanted a prospect to learn how to hold the intangible. Impossible was a word I’d removed from my lexicon. So it was a challenge dancing before my eyes. No matter how hard I tried to resist, it haunted me. I was starving for glory. I needed it now, more than ever. I couldn’t avert my eyes from something so rare. Uniqueness was another one of my weaknesses including originality. Wild horses wouldn’t have driven me away from this situation. I had to just learn to hold on long enough to see beyond the film of colors. The assignment required patience & skill. To exacerbate the task the entire scene witnessed a performance of various transformations. A mesmerizing show indeed, but equally perplexing. The thrill remained. Slowly consistent efforts started producing results. One by one the colors separated & became comprehensive, yet some continued to blend & alter. I watched in awe, enjoying each entity as it deserved-some more some less. I was delighted at my discovery & proud of myself for taking the time. Some things are well worth waiting for. This was one of them. Life is full of amazing discoveries. Who’s really expecting to come across such lovely creatures when they dive into those deep oceans? It’s spell-binding the things they find thousands of feet away from the human eye. It’s not that they hit upon something valuable every time. They do return disappointed too. So with effort, discovery & disappointments are a part of life. I’d my share of that in the past. My imagination didn’t result in regret, which was creditable for me. I had high hopes & didn’t fancy letting them shatter to the ground. I consider myself lucky for being given this opportunity. For once I not only found an interesting pursuit but it’d been a time of training as well as learning. There are lessons to learn from all that we come across. I made the most of what I’d been granted. It was one of those walks of life that I’d remember & always cherish. It was a time well-spent. Strolling along the road I lifted my face to behold an attractive soul. I witnessed an indefinable beauty that transcended physical measures, by simply looking into a face of a woman.

A treasure discovered but late

2005-03-22T08:50:00.000+04:00

I miss him. I miss all the time that we shared & all that we missed out on. I miss the times he held my hand & guided me through our early days. I miss the times he ran through hazards to get me the things I loved. I miss playing & laughing with him. Those never returning tender moments lost in the waves of time. I miss the way he teased me. All those times that I’d screamed to be left alone. I miss the way he dragged me with him. Those times that I’d enjoyed despite the fuss I created. I miss the way he accompanied me on those long miles. Never caring whatever anyone thought & just enjoyed our journey. I miss being encouraged by him. The way he would assuredly say “you can do it!” & I did. I miss the times we competed & joshed only with the spirit of sport. I wish we had learnt earlier. I wish I’d taken the time to be the person he’d count on. I wish there was lesser of what was right or wrong than about unity & support. I wish we’d understood then what it’d mean to be apart & grown older. They told us then “you’ll miss it all when you’ve grown up.” I wish we’d been wiser but then what’s a child if he’s wise? I wish I’d more time than I do. I wish I’d sought the companionship he so many times offered. I wish we were better friends than be turned out to be. Why did I never have the courage to tell him that he’d always been my source of inspiration? Why did I never tell him that I was really proud of him? Why didn’t I ever tell him that I wished that I could be as good as he was? Why didn’t I ever thank him for standing out for me & making me who I am? Why didn’t I thank him for the support he gave me despite me never doing the same for him? I wish I’d told him that he made me feel good. But why had I been so blindly selfish? I miss running with him. I miss telling the world that we were going for a walk & nobody was going to have it any other way. I wish we’d always been so united. We’d have been the best friends ever. I want to turn back the clock & get things the way they could have been but I’m losing even the time I have left. I wish we had more time than we do. Tomorrow there’ll be someone else by his side & our days would be over. I wanted that in some way but not anymore. I would miss him so much more. No more crazy rides together. No more going tracking to the hills by his side. What would happen to our crazy jokes, our foolish dramatic acts? Just a room away I feel like running to him & saying “don’t forget us!” {Seems it’s still about usL} Foolish pride keeps the lips silence. There’s so much to thank him for yet he hardly ever heard a word. Well should teach us to make the best of what we have & that to come. Hope he finds bliss in those to come even though our days would be done. Well, seems we got our chances even if we didn’t use them well. I just wanted to say “I miss you already, brother.”

The Promise

2005-03-21T01:21:00.000+04:00

Silence echoes within these walls Between each echo I try to call your name My lips part to speak but no words come How could it? I do not know your name yet. There’s a halo of emotions surrounding me There’s a load of hollowness within I want to bridge the distance keeping me Apart from myself I needed reconciliation for satiation. Through prayers yet unanswered I await your arrival I do not know your face But instinctually I will know it’s you The aura of the purest love would suffice. There’s so much the mind has suppressed To avoid pain, Mine’s the faces that change constantly To hide from strangers- The masks I choose to protect myself. You dwell in my soul & your thoughts vitalize me I’m a prisoner, Till your love would release me, Only time keeps us apart. I can feel you, Within these shadows, You’ve given me feelers for love Every entity mirrors your existence, It’s your presence that colors these skies above. Life would glow in its hues When your soul joins mine, I heard you swear, Then I swore too, Ours is a promise of many lifetimes.

One of those days

2005-03-19T23:14:00.000+04:00

It was one of those days I wanted to scream to the skies “I give up!” It felt like been doing the two-steps forward two-steps back with fate since forever, along with plenty of misalignments. It seemed that I was always the one welcoming fate & it always decided to leave me out. Waiting. I was tired of playing hide & seek with it: tired of fooling myself every time that it would work out sooner or later. I waited in vain. Now I was tired of it. I was even tired of myself. I didn’t know whether to blame myself or my cursed fate for my plight. The truth might not do much good, but lies would no longer serve as panacea. I needed answers & this time for the keeps. My mind was lost. I didn’t have much to say. I didn’t have much to do. I just lie trying to recall everything I had carefully put together as a child. Then innocence didn’t know that dreams may never become a part of reality. Youth believes in miracles & maybe that’s why they see it come true. When do babies worry about where the next dry diaper would come from? They have hope. It works! In my state of mind I could’ve thrashed myself if I had a chance to separate from my body! I didn’t know who & what was right. I just knew that my grounds were too shaken to survive. I would fall & I knew no one could help me- a realization that did little than to add to the isolation. Some voices resonated in my head long after they’d been silenced like a balm in my dreary state. I couldn’t even force a smile. Those unseen, long kept wounds became to bleed again. I kept trying to grapple the ground that seemed to be slipping. It seemed that all the years work had added up to nothing. There were so many goals but suddenly everything seemed like bosh. I didn’t know where I was coming from or where I was going. Life had never been so static. Where was energy when I needed it? Where was God when I needed answers? Where was life when I was calling? I didn’t know where any new direction would lead me. I just knew the way I’d been traveling all these years but it seemed to lead me nowhere. Where was I supposed to go now? If I called Heavens they’d ignore me too. If I called for a hero, I received no answer. Wasn’t there anyone listening to me or had I been blabbering only in my head?

A Point In Time

2005-03-17T03:14:00.000+04:00

So much gone but the best is yet to come... I'm waiting for another rainbow to smile on, I'm searching for another star to wish upon, I'm looking for another mountian to climb, I'm questing for another ocean to dive, I'm awaiting another wind to ride, I'm standing at the crossroads of my life.

The Everlasting Dance

2005-03-16T04:02:00.000+04:00

(Man) There you go stealing my heart away Leaving me stranded with this feeling within Here I’m restless & you’ll never know why You don’t even see me as you walk on by. (Woman) In a thousand faces I’ve searched for you Looking for love that’s lasting & true But all I see are stranger’s faces You disappear without leaving your traces. I want to live through magic for a while Dance with the beauty with the dazzling smile I want a moment in the final dance Young Belle, hold me in your trance! I’ve dreamt of this night a million times I’ve practiced every syllable & every rhyme At times I feel some feet on the ground But there are only strangers when I turn around! What’s this deadly game that you play? Your smile steals my heart away Look my way just one time I’ve waited all my life to call you mine. Am I dreaming or are you flesh & bone? That look was my imagination, I could’ve sworn You’re dancing there so carefree I can’t believe that you’re smiling at me! I’ll deny the world for a dance with you You’re the brightest rose amongst the chosen few An amazing beauty walking with such grace A heavenly goddess from another place. Is that affection I see? Or is my mind playing tricks on me? I can feel some feet on the ground I love this feeling of being held spell-bound! How do I present myself to this creature so fair? There must be something special to invite her near I want the final dance or I’ll never be content Give me a chance, just for a moment. Handsomer than ever you stand afar Fulfillment of a fantasy is what you are Surely there haven’t been such intensified charms But why are there ever changing partners in your arms? So finally you look my way Your beauty numbs me with nothing to say I wish I could tell you the way I feel You must be an angel or something unreal. I wanted this moment as I never did before Make this dance everlasting & I’d ask for nothing more Let it be no one else when the music comes to an end I’ll be your partner, your ever cherished friend. I’ve waited for this moment as long as I could remember A sincere heart & a love so tender The music will play as long as you dare & this dance will last forever as long as you are there.

Lifting The Curtain

2005-03-14T14:16:00.000+04:00

She’s the magician, the hidden beauty, flowing gracefully out of the dark alley with a stream of pale light behind her. She’s cloaked in black with her face hooded & lowered. She steps silently like air. She has no voice. Her throat partially displays an adornment of gold that symbolizes that she can afford luxuries. Every inch of her redefines elegance. Her hands are her only feature allowed to be viewed. She’s not the dark maiden that she’s mistaken for, by her name. Her fair fingers are long & somewhat pointed at the top. Her long nails are glowing white, untouched by the modern paints. She holds her hand between the fingers & thumb of the other-gently & gracefully like descending fog. She’s gentle, natural & detached possessing the knowledge unshared by others. She knows the world but the world doesn’t know her. She leaves the alley to her black stallion awaiting her. It’s a replica of ‘black beauty’, with the long, shiny black mane-a sturdy creature. She is a symbol of beauty, elegance& mystery; the keeper of secrets; the holder of mystical powers. She’s the mistress of darkness as she mounts her stallion & rides off into the unknown, softly like the breeze, as quietly as she came. After all she was only half mortal & half shadow!

A Love Story

2005-03-08T10:00:00.000+04:00

<>They say that I’m in love & I deny. What do you expect me to do? They really don’t see things through my eyes. Love is bout giving & receiving-one-sided encounters are crushes or the sort. How many is a different situation.

My destiny is still unknown; my path is vague as possible. I don’t know for what I’m headed. I haven’t prepared for anything. I just go with the flow. I don’t even know how I’d get there or for that fact anywhere. I enjoy the encounters & grow with the experience. How could I be in love with anyone or anything in particular?

I’m in love with life & all the creatures of this world. I salute the ground I walk on & seek shelter from the skies. The good things in my life are the rainbow in my blue skies & the inspiring people the stars of the night.

That is my love story.

A few words

2005-03-05T16:19:00.000+04:00

Never felt the need to be known Thought the heart would remain a stone Oblivious of what anyone would say A solitary journey would keep me gay.

Life’s little canvas

2005-03-05T15:45:00.000+04:00

Toxic blood runs in the veins The celiac plexuses hold a minor pain A weak smile to convince that it didn’t matter Wisdom killed the hope that could shatter. Had known the truth all along Struggled to save it despite being wrong Had it been deep, it would’ve felt different inside In reality only found a place to confide. Knew own demands to be too high So at every corner turned & said goodbye Aware that none could fulfil the need So why bother to make the heart bleed? Never wanted to be loved the wrong way Lived by the principles, come what may Despite it all, was misunderstood over & over again Life offered nothing from going insane. Just alittle difficulty in taking a few breaths Vain it’d be to even call upon death These prayers were said to be left unheard Needed no one to encounter the absurd. Words were all that could convince Wanted to reach out to no one who’d wince Would take someone strong to bear the truth But these eyes would remain searching beyond youth. The past hazed like water colors spread out Could never grasp what life was about Let people live with wrong to avoid the fuss Gave up today what would be just another blot on the canvas.

Rejected

2005-02-28T16:15:00.000+04:00

Angels needed no trouble, The devil had his own’ Thrown into earth to suffer alone A pitiful creature too abhorrent to lift Rejected even by death when exhibited as gift.

Within hidden doors

2005-02-25T19:09:00.000+04:00

Just another slash to scar the heart Another excuse to tear the life apart Just another spin for a second game In a gamble, nothing stays the same. So what if there came a tear in the eye No one was there to hear the wounded sigh No ear heard the heart breaking No one felt the tremors of the earth shaking. So easy to hide behind the mask of a smile A gentle laughter is the simplest way to beguile Nothing difficult in swallowing the pain for a while Every living moment becomes a trail. Emotions & tears must learn to wait The situations are only in the hands of fate Life is a gamble where someone must lose The why do silly emotions always confuse? A joyful cheer & one big smile Good enough to deceive the world for a while The sighs will come after closing the door Tears can then flow freely as they did before.

Cycle To Death

2005-02-23T19:10:00.000+04:00

I wonder why you fail to see that you’ve made your life hell You know you do wrong-there’s no need to tell You make a promise & break it each day You say you’ll be good but don’t change your ways. I’m tired of explaining time & time again You know how hard it’s been Despite all that you’re as stubborn as can be Why do you keep forgetting how you’re losing ground quickly? Why must you sin & then attempt murder to hide evidence? All that had only lead to decadence Imagine how good this life could’ve been But here you’ve only shattered the dreams. How can you obtain peace without any pain? How can you assume to stay forever sane? Through your struggle you’ve taken a fall You’re the last hero who can save or kill all. I understand that the prolonged fight has left you were It’s courage from inside from inside that you need to seek Either win this battle or forever face gloom Wake up while there’s still time or just enter doom!

Cringing Away

2005-02-22T01:09:00.000+04:00

Perhaps the truth should’ve been known Shouldn’t have trusted a heart that could turn to stone The best had been leeched out that’s for sure But it gave no reason to make another life insecure. Accepted that tolerated enough & suffered in silence Instead of rising degree it led to decadence Patience, love & generosity should’ve filled the sphere But just fears & cold emptiness abodes there. Leaned against the door scared to allow inside The knock sounded lovely & tempted to confide Longed for the right one to erase the pain But feared it all to end in vain. Displayed emotions that actually didn’t exist Desired to prove strength beyond the fist Despite the heart falling to crumbles inside The pretty smile managed to save the pride. Insecurities within held back from reaching for the best Reason quietly laid the urges to rest Scarred plenty to allow another slash Leading the heart & mind to constantly clash. The heart yearned for a final try But the mind refused to allow another cry The soul needed a companion but the mind condemned to give in Holding a generous heart it labeled as a sin. It would’ve been easier to leave it all untouched A sweet taste of it then desired much & when the trust had vanished due to that before Should’ve never had called one to knock upon the door.

Pleasant View

2005-02-21T23:45:00.000+04:00

A thought crossed the mind..... Tickled a smile on the lips.............. It had to be you.

Flitted Emotions

2005-02-21T09:48:00.000+04:00

Like Travelling on a road knowing the 'detour' sign ahead we kept moving. Like a couple doing a waltz To an abruptly ended song We held onto each other. Like a starving mortal awaiting a piece of food I craved for your love. Like a drunken man unaware of his situation I tolerated everything from you. like an echo bouncing once Then getting lost in the air My words came but went unheard. Like a beaten soldier Returning from war I walked away from your doorstep. Like ghosts occupying a house After its inhabitants leave Your presence kept me company. Like a rose torn petal by petal Then blown by the wind My tortured wait ended in vain. Like falling from 90 feet & still undead Your image still lingers in my head. Like sustaining silence After the music had ended My empty life continued.

My writing is like…

2005-02-20T04:09:00.000+04:00

Wind-blown sand, You can feel it, Yet you cannot hold, But you will see it when it settles.