The crippled pa-pillion

Forsaken

A shroud of silence takes over as though the heart has forsaken it's rhythmic dance. The streets stand damp & darkness stains it miserable. Cold barren hands I warm against myself gazing at the nothingness around me. How empty is my world without you or your demons to keep me alive!

I call upon your devils to return in vain, expecting nothing within my expectations. The stars glisten as the winds howl. Everything stands in it's place except I. Once broken from the root of my soul, stranded I am like a leaf blown away.

Dipsomaniac

You are a companion like Alcohol
Bitter to swallow, but numbing to the senses
Your deceitful comfort lets me drown into intoxication
And the seduction enslaves to addiction,
You are but poison that's killing me slowly-destroying me inside-out. 

Pieces on Fire

Here are the pieces of my heart
Broken & set ablazed for you
Hope they scald your skin the way you burnt my soul!

Futuristic thoughts

Depression is not a mental illness. It is simply the manifestation of 'failure to self-actualise' by attaching importance to external agendas that ultimately collapse.

The Shake

The Universe calls us to the truth every now & then.
It is upto us to acknowledge that awakening or return to our slumber.

Frozen

Days pass but not empty of your thought

Your accustomed winter chills my blood

Freezing the snow covered chambers of this heart

Your pain like smoke chokes my breath

Your unceasing darkness clouding & drowning me under to an unseen world

The bleeding scars reminisce a rose rend by it's own thorn

See that blood sweep over the sheath of my love?

I now carry it's stain, the very substance of your life!

Kiss me so I can live, or kill me so I can die,

Leave me not in this misery of owning you & possessing nothing.

(18-10-12)

The Flame

There's a fire within me that's hotter than any flame outside.
Shall I fear the burn when this flesh has no sensation left!

Seductively Bound

Tears of blood fall into dry desert where poisoned flowers grow.
Grows thereon a fruit That entices with it's ripeness & ensnares with a promise.
The flavor stirs an insatiable hunger gently incurring a venomous death.
Lost control & Fallen like a feather into my world, of shadows & dreams.
Treacherous desires hold captive under the sea of forbidden passion.
Devour Unfathomed till you Plunge into my dark & embrace Infinity.

Artiste

She is a canvas for my thoughts
Swirling the hues through & over her emotions
Every stroke veils a tale of love.
And the colors express emotions forbidden to language.
Her silken beauty inspires the brushes to dance in her palette.
& only the dark knows that I paint with her light.
With a virtuoso touch, I turned into an artist & She became my Art.

Perfume

Your memory like fragrance fills the room of my heart with fire
You are the scent my soul longs to wear.

Fairy tales

Love marriages should be entitled
'They lived happily ever'
Because that's how all fairy tales end.

Lover of Fantasy

Don't ask where us writers get our inspiration from,
We are faithless wanderers of unspeakable passions. 

Dream-state

I saw you whirl & float away into the waves.
The tides of my emotions where I wished you would drown.

Overflow from my mind & trickle into my eyes
Roll down as a memory then fade like a drifted sigh. 

A Philosopher's Romance

You have become A Philosopher's romance
Unleashed by the reins holding mankind,
So come love, let us cross the bridges of time.

Emerge like a Monarch from your languid disposition,
Escape under the guise of the shadows
Fears threaten but surrender not to their illusions
We will dance to the twirls of the wind
& cuddle under the wraps of the clouds
Let those behind, seek us in disappointment,
We will hide behind the veil of the moon.

Mistress of Darkness

I gave up fear & the spirits began to dread me,
Shadows fell at my feet & kissed the floor beneath
The Demons crowned me, Mistress of Darkness.

Idealism

What is Love without attainment of it's Divine state?
People make but, poor voyagers of the soulful journey!

Dark Obsession

Here I am, ready to give all I have for that moment of oneness with you.  My insecurities behind me, I am prepared to take the sacred journey into the realm of emotions.  Knock down my fortress with your passionate weaponry then undress yourself of this useless armor.  It only serves to hide our immaculacy. Let us lose every ounce of humanness & surrender without a doubt.

I want to abandon this absurd world & indulge in your mysterious crux.  I want to dance till I'm intoxicated with temptation. Let me feel you till every pore emanates your fragrance. I want to hold you against my soul. I will heal, protect & melt into your formless mold filling every inch with spiritual ecstasy.  Let the rupture of seduction rhythm us through the motions.  Drown your worries into my passion & be born anew, my fearless warrior.  Reveal to me your darkest secrets & revel in your magnificence. I care for nothing but to stand unafraid & unashamed in this glorious flame of romance.

Avert those alluring eyes from the insanity of the mundane life. Let’s escape into a world where bodies, beats & breaths have no existence.  Let not our relationship be measured by name, time or distance. Allow the ocean of our sensations subjugate any restriction between us.  I am love & you are the object of my affection.  Be in no hurry, I want to relish you till I’m drunk. This insatiable hunger is like an addict's craving & your drug is just not enough.

Dread not the shadows world for the light will shine for us. There shall exist nothing but You & I in absolute perfection.  Rekindle this devotion for all life-times to come.  Let no tide break us apart, not even death.  With its kiss shall we begin our inseparable union.

Fill me till my existence merges into yours & there is nothing but our souls dancing into infinity. Live in me while I live in you. Relent all reason & just be my Obsession.

Undesirable

I am lost on these familiar roads of life
Homeless under the provided shelter
Loveless & forsaken by those called humans
Demons dragged me down under
& I lost track of the way back
Dark, now my chosen abode
Chains, the only faithful friends
My mind occupied with obscene desires
The body impregnated with sins
Only faithless hands lift in senseless prayers
The being's coming to life.

The mirror shattered in punishment for it's lies
A woman could not be a psychotic beast
This inhuman form is a delusion of a failing vengeance
Arms barren but hands hold the crop of spite
Love was a doom set for the naive
I prefer this madness to insipidity
It's a losing war to Satan
Won't call upon God tonight, to witness myself surrender
So come now Death, the soul awaits release from this cripple!

Spiritual Freedom

Speak to me without talking
Let your wounds bleed over my skin
Fear not your fears
I will carry you through the dark
Pretend no strength
I will shelter you from harm.

Let the truth in you connect to my spirit for release
Unburden your sorrows onto my restless heart
Don't leave me empty like you usually do
Merge into my very essence
I crave to taste your soul tonight.

Death

You walk by my side without invitation
You silence me by the power of your presence
You are the master of the shadows
Your guises scaring the strongest of hearts
You hold immortality & still I'm afraid to look you in the face
You, the weight that hush these lips
You, the secret I carry alone
You, the fearless fear
You, the living's worst nightmare
You, the ultimate truth
You, the door-keeper of destiny
You, the extinguisher of life
You, the carver of my journey
You, my partner of darkness
You, my inevitable Fate.

Pure beginnings

What comfort do you seek from this material world, mortal?
There is no peace in the perishable.
All that is finite can turn into void
So become the void & merge with the Infinite!

Immortality

The mind scoffs the persistence of foolishness beyond maturity. Wasted youth on dreams of glamor led to the nothingness I hold today. Those perils that I endured for the heartache now linger like scars around my failing knees.This world though beautiful stands empty unshared. This soul suffers loneliness. Still I expect peace from those who know it not, these sufferable humans. This looming fear exchanged for love is the last of the flame that once burnt. Composed poems now like scrap circle with the blowing wind . Time dried the fountain of words that rushed the heart & laid it barren.
 Silence these beats now, deafened ears can't hear no more. Play those senseless games because the drunk can set no rules. Erase those dreams then eternally seal the passionate heart; with love on it's deathbed mortality is about to die!

Moonlight Madness

I stroll down the barren paths bathed in moonlight with the wintry breeze ablow. Thoughts of you fill my mind with their gentle madness intoxicating my senses to calm. You do not exist but I surrendered my soul to your mortal emptiness & alas I still linger onto those imaginary pieces of you.  

The Healer

My heart is like an ocean that has washed a dozen shores. It ebbs, recedes & roars within its own majesty.  It has drowned the pains of many & tumbled back in itself to immaculacy. It is the healer that regenerates perpetually flowing over the seared flesh leaving it anew. It buries within treasures awaiting discovery-the secrets for nourishment of the soul & the meaning to life-the answers of creation comprising of you & me & all that makes us one. Rejoice the essence of life, in a world within & above us. Come, I want to meet you there. 

The Winner stands alone

Standing at the cliff of relationship mount watching the last ones fall off. There's a whiff of Sadness as the mask of pretense melts away. There's no one left to face anymore.
It's death of naivety as the adult emerges. No gamers left to play the chances of love. Time to dance alone to those composed tunes & turn into thy own song. The soul has found ultimate freedom & wonders fill the heart with glorious light. I have perfected the art of winning the game & losing the people.

The last attachment

I pull on my cloak of silence letting the cold loneliness steal away the smiles that danced around my face with a muse to entertain. I allow my heart to break one last time before turning my back on hope of ever being together again. I let you fly, free as you’ve always been, only captivated prisoner by a heart allured by your beauty. I allow darkness to creep between the life & death I experience within this breathing body. I let the fire of my anguish burn your memories to ashes & wish the wind to carry the last of my lovers away. 

Self-actualisation

We  resist achieving our full potentials out of a fear of falling into our depths & finding something ugly there; We struggle enough to stay sane with our social identities already.

Wrong place to land

What brings you to this place?
There's nothing but emptiness here. . . 

Inkling #1

There's a thin line between genius & insanity. I often wonder which side I fall on.

Volatile Splendor

I am black. I am white

I'm the dark & the purest of light
Discover splendors of the world within my little heart
Savor the sweet tenderness in the words of art

I am mystery with all it's depth
Dare not question the corners I've crept
I'll ease your pain with a touch of my hand
Talk without words & I'll understand

Give me your heart strings & let me play

Allow my emotions to sweep you away

Close your eyes & hold me close
Cherish the fantasy as you rise to find yourself alone. 

Ultimate love story

Life is a series of love stories-learning self-love through every occurring change. 

The Comfortable turbulence

A light of hope yet another closure.

Why the necessity to FEEL again when the outcome never changes?

A burnt out hole to bleed forever more.

Can’t hold on. Can’t let go.

Again the darkness

Again the silence

Would this pain never cease?

Won’t this cycle ever stop?

Just stop.

Leave the ocean to regulate it’s own tides

Turbulence finally feels like home. 

Into the Fade

This is the end-a post to mark that you existed within the lines of this page once. You no longer linger in the realms of my mind. Reality has uncrowned you for good. Goodbye dear perfect dream. You slowly seeped through the walls of my heart, had a long meaningless stay then crept into The Fade. You are finally dead. R.I.P

Emotional Encounter

Another love sick fool dreaming of a romance that never existed beyond the mind. Don't laden your eyes with the burdens of a restless heart.There is nothing but absurd writing here. You too stranger, don't be hassled by the pains of a dreamer's imagination. It was not your fault that the heart skipped a beat when you crossed. Take no blame for the bitterness of a woman's plight but forgive her ignorance.In her mind she had lived a perfect fantasy to escape the boredom of a mundane life.  Call it innocence as she wasn't aware of it's hazards. Knitting the dreams she began to believe them to come true but tested against reality that shattered like glass against the wall.

  Don't let my story delay your journey stranger, it bears no weight compared to the important things in your life. Apologies for the hurt that those searing words may have caused. Erase I cannot the words of resentment thrown your way for imagined slights. You are a patient man to remain & listen to a worthless tale. Be not amused nor frightened of the bizarre words you hear. You may mistake them to be directed at you but you have done no harm so forgive the pain bestowed upon you.

 Stay no further stranger should I rouse feelings of pity from you. Leave me with the little self respect that I feign to possess while I lament the love I failed to evoke from you. Bid sweet farewell as you  leave with those pieces of a shattered dream. Value the secret that there's no one who holds a candle to you. Be on your way & don't relate what you have heard to another  soul. It's just an unworthy narration that should be erased & forgotten, as it bore nothing but guilt & sorrow in it's consequence.

Wishful Thinking

~Yet we choose to submerge ourselves in this unpredictable sea of emotions, being rocked by tides

of love, lust, fear & hope- Never knowing that the same ocean can carry & leave us stranded on lonely islands far apart~

Muse

Two Minds

One fantasy

Fragments of a dream

For one longing heart

Wasted emotions

Timeless emptiness

A broken bond

Pride to silence

An unfinished tale

Deserted & forgotten

But kindled the soul that cherished it.

Self-Talk

You meet a lot of good people in the walk of life but few special ones

You hear alot of 'I love you's but question if one could change the course of fate

There are thorns that rend when you keep the roses & you wonder if its worth throwing them all together

Sometimes it is...

Virtual Reality

Idle hopes lay in despair

Awaiting what will never come

Leaving a void in the heart

But silence on the lips.

And Stranded they are

In a sphere with walls that echo

Only but a solo voice....

The Paradox

YOU CAME:

Like dawn creeping through the darkness of the night

Like a scent slowly engulfing the senses with pleasure

Like a rose symbolising the existence of love

Like the sparkle of a freshly cut diamond

Like an answer to a downhearted prayer

YOU LEFT

Like a stranger born without feelings

Like water in a blazing desert

Like a thief disappearing into the still of the night

Like the sun shadowed in an eclipse

NOW

I conjure what could've been

I wait for the warmth of your presence

I dream of the laughter you stirred

I long for the wisdom you shared

Between two worlds seeking to find another you.

The rift

“The subconscious's voice keeps reverberating in my head saying "I’m wrong, yea I’m wrong!"

I know that its foolishness to hang on your dreams. I know that in your world I’m a faceless person but on my side I can still recall the way u looked & how u talked. Maybe you're really only a fantasy stuck in my head…But you're the only stranger I’d ever wanted. You’re the only man in my life that I’d prayed for. What else can I do? I can’t give up my pride when I already feel that the ball's in your court. I can’t fight my ego. If you'd asked I’d have given any thing you'd desired, but u never gave me a chance.

Songs have created an imprint of your face that I can’t forget. Ask & you will not be refused. But you ask not.

Leave this tormented heart to beat on its own. Take these nostalgic memories & illusions.

Beautiful stranger you have created a rift in my heart.”

Its a doc's life

To be watching ambulances being wheeled in everyday is one thing but sitting in one to take one of your own beloveds to the ER is something different.

Being in the medical field, we're used to seeing the tear filled faces & people sitting outside the ICUs with thier rosaries for those inside.The ambulance sirens & the running staff had been rountine. It had barely ever been moving with the stress we're daily exposed to. Everyone's trying to get along with their own lives so we let those handling the matters to them only.

The other day my uncle had a stroke. I checked his blood pressure & it was really high. I popped some pills in his mouth that I had on hand so by the time we got to the hospital it had lowered but still high. Due to the emergency numbers being busy & lack of people at home the event worsened. It had been 3hours before we got him the right care.Sitting next to him in the ambulance I watched for a constant movement. The distances seemed to never end. The traffic was taking too long. There weren't enough personnel around for help. All the relative things that happen when you want to rush. I constantly wondered if I'd had my last moments with him in that time. It was a serious one (in one of those long Unpronounceable places that I'll skip for u). There was immediate surgery & he was into rehabilitation. No one wanted to assume anything. No one wanted to give scary warnings. Good I thought. We'll see watever happens when it comes by.

The moral of the story is that it's easy to take other people's sickness more easily than that of a loved one. We somehow believe that while someone still walks they're eternal. We forget the delicate thread that this life is bounded by. It's one tiny snap & all is gone.

Today its a relative, tomorrow it could be those closer.I'd not have thought of it till this reality struck me. Cherish those around you.Give them some time to let them know that you care.You never know which words could be the last exchanged. When all is said & done, deep down you'd not live with that regret that 'I could've done more.'

The Accident

Temporary warmth of an accidental hug

Recaptured the heart that had tried to forget

The love in vain.

The suppressed emotions resurfaced

Hope came to life

The wait started again

& It would continue...

The torment would return

The cycle would carry on

She would continue paying...

The price of the accidental meeting.

Unrequited Love

How could u change the nature of the thorn & expect it to never rend again?
How could you seek comfort when that’s something it has never been?
How could you try to forget what was never meant to be forgotten?
It was a lesson…just a lesson.
For the final time, stop this pain. There is nothing even left to feel anymore.
Wish this heart could forget everything.
It isn’t easy, it never was.
Tears of disappointment rise once & again.
None to forgive,
One to never forget.
Why had hope deserted when love decided to stay?
Why did bitterness come walking in while it still occupied the place?
Why when all went down, did it never bow out?
It's not hatred that's burning inside, it's that unrequited passion.
Die, I say.
Die, I pray.
Die, there's nothing worthy left today.

Wat ppl say bout me...

Arena (known to self and others) independent, knowledgeable, logical, mature, observant	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dignified, energetic, friendly, giving, idealistic, intelligent, loving, modest, reflective, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) organised	Unknown (known to nobody) accepting, cheerful, dependable, extroverted, happy, helpful, ingenious, introverted, kind, nervous, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, responsive, silly, spontaneous, tense

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (6%) bold (20%) brave (6%) calm (6%) caring (13%) cheerful (0%) clever (6%) complex (20%) confident (20%) dependable (0%) dignified (13%) energetic (6%) extroverted (0%) friendly (6%) giving (20%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (13%) independent (20%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (40%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (20%) logical (6%) loving (33%) mature (20%) modest (6%) nervous (0%) observant (13%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (20%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (6%) self-assertive (13%) self-conscious (6%) sensible (13%) sentimental (26%) shy (13%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (6%) tense (0%) trustworthy (26%) warm (33%) wise (6%) witty (20%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 1.5.2006, using data from 15 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view blackempress's full data.

Your Analysis of....

ME! click on this link & select the 5- words U would associate with me. http://kevan.org/johari?name=blackempress Thanks

The Long standing Question

There is usually a thought in every person's mind whether expressed or not about their existence. For some it's there as adolescents & then somehow getting into the grinding of the daily chores they forget to question things.

There are those such as I, who since the last 15years have been trying to find the meaning of life. Born with a silver spoon in the mouth, good family, great friends, good education, ample oppurtunities to grow and discover various things in life,I am as clueless as I was 20years ago. I've dug up religion. I've delved into the psyche of the human minds & read a great many books on philisophy but never to recieve an answer to the question.

People claim to have found their way. We aren't in the position to be skeptical. They are those who have found a passion or if nothing else 'contentment' in their lives.

I wasn't given the oppurtunity to live to do what my neighbor's doing or even what my brother or mother wanted to. The whole idea is that we all were created for a different purpose. Some people are there to serve others & some are there to be served. It's the way Nature has created us. It wasn't to us to question 'why humans eat the chicken & the chicken don't eat humans?' Somethings just "are".

Somethings that 'are' for some are just not for others. As the saying goes "one man's spinach is another man's poison". This makes it harder for each of us to open a different goody bag & make sense of it.

The 'meaning of life' doesn't span contentment. It's just that contentment is a playing factor in it. I talk in broad terms.

"why was life created?" The older I get the more worthless things appear. It seems that there is very little to do. Everywhere its the same thing & it surmounts to nothing valuable. I don't know what people chase. Perhaps to the man on the street, money will be of the greatest importance & to the woman without children, having a child would make life worthwhile. Aren't these materialistic things? Haven't all the religions taught to rise above them? These are the things we can't live without or have to do without but its just that "there's gotta be more to life!" Career, family, money & love can't be the beginning and the end, or are they?

Tail Of 2005

Another year gone by-time flies... perhaps memory makes us feel that way.

As far as I am Concerned this year has been of many emotional see-saws.

2005 was not exactly predicted to be a good year for me in the first place. In fact an occultist said that it would be a year of ‘no progress’ & it turned out to be true.

Despite the overall stickiness of the situation I would say that this has been a year of great emotional wealth.

There comes a point in your life when you have to take a stand for self-preservation & eradicate all the visible thorns from rending you further than they had been over the years. I wouldn’t call it ‘awakening’ because aware I had always been.

<>But this year I went through the kind of emotional turmoil that I couldn’t have even imagined-reached the peak, hit the trough then rose again. From that experience & those before it, I have found contentment in my life that I had been lacking in, until now. I have broken the chains that kept me from loving with an open heart. I no longer care for pretentious affection.

I have learnt that the person I see in the mirror is me & I dare not change my perspective about that person according to stupid opinions of others. I have found the truth & can proudly stand for my values regardless of anything.

<>I no longer need to be shy that others don’t think like me. Time has taught me great lessons & I have the courage to be who I am. I express what I desire. I may be different but I am happy being ME.

Another lesson I learnt this year is that truth always stands out. I no longer feel the need to please people only so that they may stay. They taught me the difference between fair-weather & foul-weather friends. Letting truth decide the fate, also showed me the real faces of those I thought were well-wishers. It was a mask they wore.

And the fact that my family would be the only support to me became more evident in the evaluation. I was born lucky.

Secondly I realized that it isn’t worth chasing someone who has no intentions of reciprocating. It’s only a matter of heartache on the long run.

<>Also “opposites don’t attract!” That is only in physics. Human relations are worst in that category resulting in lifelong scarring. Human bonding works on homeopathy principle:

“Like attracts like.”

Conclusion came that those who really love you will stand by you irrespective of moods or outside influences. Otherwise they aren’t worth in the first place!

Casting people aside, this has also been a depressing year on a personal growth margin. There were more teary days than those that had ever been over the years combined. Had to face the NOT-SO-ME person too & well…accept it. Circumstances like that turned up to cause distress. Fortunately it all passed.

Academically I see no great difference but hopefully from next week.

Physically, hmm…have to admit bout the realization of the fact that I have been gifted in this area without having to work for it. Praise the Lord!

Financially this had been a year of expenses. That was also because of a robbery late in the year that fell heavy on the budget.

Overall, especially the last few months went active. It was the time to settle with growing relationships in the family & how to manage them-another lesson in the emotional field.

Last but not the least; I learnt the power of blogging & the blessing of having good readers. I thought I would never get this chance. But I discovered that there are small worlds within our world & the things that give the greatest pleasure are common to us all.

I found good friends & great confidantes who further richen my emotional life. Love u all.

Happy new year everybody!!!

Stolen From Osbasso

I found this on Osbasso's blog (who had taken it yet from someone else) & wanted to see wat everyone had to say.
 I dont mind if anyone else takes it from here. In fact I would love to fill it up for someone else!
 Ok folks... here goes!
 01] I _____ Blackempress
02] Blackempress is _____.
 03] If I were alone in a room with Blackempress, I would _____.
 04] I think Blackempress should _____.
05] Blackempress needs _____.
06] I want to _____ Blackempress
07] Someday Blackempress will ___.
08]Blackempress reminds me of _____.
09] Without Blackempress _____.
10] My memories of Blackempress are _____.
11Blackempresscan be _____.
12] The worst thing about Blackempress is _____.
13] The best thing about Blackempress is _____.
 14] I am _____ with Blackempress.
15] One thing I would like to know about Blackempress is _____.
 16] Blackempress should go and _____.
17]Blackempress _____ me.

Silent Scream

I give you my trust Only to be exploited in return
I reveal my life to you Only to be criticized & degraded
I give you my honesty Only to be labeled
I give my all & you never quit taking
Now when it’s my turn
I take back my life & give you only silence.