Ship in the storm

It wouldn't be any use of ranting about something that was long since over. There's nothing left to say when all is said & done. This wasn't a secret that needed to be revealed. Everyone knew it was going on when it was. When the goodbye came, they all heard it. They all heard the closing of the door. They all knew... there was nothing more to the tale.

Time passed by since then. Even after the shattered dreams there was still a fading light of hope. In desperate times, even a little means alot. I had that. There was no promise. There were no expectations. There was only hope. To save a sinking ship in the storm that just isn't enough!

Its a doc's life

To be watching ambulances being wheeled in everyday is one thing but sitting in one to take one of your own beloveds to the ER is something different.

Being in the medical field, we're used to seeing the tear filled faces & people sitting outside the ICUs with thier rosaries for those inside.The ambulance sirens & the running staff had been rountine. It had barely ever been moving with the stress we're daily exposed to. Everyone's trying to get along with their own lives so we let those handling the matters to them only.

The other day my uncle had a stroke. I checked his blood pressure & it was really high. I popped some pills in his mouth that I had on hand so by the time we got to the hospital it had lowered but still high. Due to the emergency numbers being busy & lack of people at home the event worsened. It had been 3hours before we got him the right care.Sitting next to him in the ambulance I watched for a constant movement. The distances seemed to never end. The traffic was taking too long. There weren't enough personnel around for help. All the relative things that happen when you want to rush. I constantly wondered if I'd had my last moments with him in that time. It was a serious one (in one of those long Unpronounceable places that I'll skip for u). There was immediate surgery & he was into rehabilitation. No one wanted to assume anything. No one wanted to give scary warnings. Good I thought. We'll see watever happens when it comes by.

The moral of the story is that it's easy to take other people's sickness more easily than that of a loved one. We somehow believe that while someone still walks they're eternal. We forget the delicate thread that this life is bounded by. It's one tiny snap & all is gone.

Today its a relative, tomorrow it could be those closer.I'd not have thought of it till this reality struck me. Cherish those around you.Give them some time to let them know that you care.You never know which words could be the last exchanged. When all is said & done, deep down you'd not live with that regret that 'I could've done more.'

The Accident

Temporary warmth of an accidental hug

Recaptured the heart that had tried to forget

The love in vain.

The suppressed emotions resurfaced

Hope came to life

The wait started again

& It would continue...

The torment would return

The cycle would carry on

She would continue paying...

The price of the accidental meeting.

Page from My Diary

I watched out the window as the bus sped across the bridge. I stared at the buildings & remembered something that had predicted that loads of places & people would pass out of my life as a result of maturation.I thought that I was mature enough. Well, all kids think that they’ve grown up even though it takes more time than they think to attain that maturity level.

I watched one building pass by followed by another & thought:

“This is the way everything would pass from my life.”

A scary thought I assure you when you view it all being left behind at high speed. That’s what life is, really isn’t it? Relative! My yesterday would be someone’s tomorrow. All the people I leave behind would someday be with new people in new places.But for me it would be ‘old’.

Over time I have come to admire people who are able to maintain their old sweeties & friends. I always thought that I was amongst them but looking at my life today, there is no one of my past with whom I share a mutual feeling. Either they have left me or I had left them. At the most there was no connection despite the presence.

When I look at my present, I do harbor some fears concerning the future. There are things that I want to hold on to. There are people I want to throw out of my life, yet I would never try. Then the thought of actually giving them up is tearing.But then that's the way things work isnt it?

U win some, U lose some!

Unrequited Love

How could u change the nature of the thorn & expect it to never rend again?
How could you seek comfort when that’s something it has never been?
How could you try to forget what was never meant to be forgotten?
It was a lesson…just a lesson.
For the final time, stop this pain. There is nothing even left to feel anymore.
Wish this heart could forget everything.
It isn’t easy, it never was.
Tears of disappointment rise once & again.
None to forgive,
One to never forget.
Why had hope deserted when love decided to stay?
Why did bitterness come walking in while it still occupied the place?
Why when all went down, did it never bow out?
It's not hatred that's burning inside, it's that unrequited passion.
Die, I say.
Die, I pray.
Die, there's nothing worthy left today.

Witnessing a Miracle

I was posted at the gynae ward on our usual rotations. Finally after the long dragging classes at the clinic we were looking forward to the end of the round. We had two last days before the posting would be over. As routine, there was only one thing we all looked forward to going to the gynae ward-a delivery. We thought that despite the 4 weeks we had had, it would not be possible for us to see any baby being brought into the world.

We were in for a pleasant surprise!

It had happened that everytime we went into the labor room, something or the other happened to the expecting mother & she had to be taken to the OT for which none of us were prepared so missed out a couple of "happenings" due to it.

One morning we heard the news that there was a woman ready to deliver. We refused to do any examination & just ran into the labor room. The lady did get unnnerved having 5 more people around her but we refused to budge. We watched the trainee work efficiently with the lady. It was her first so it was taking time. We constantly heard her tell the woman to "push" whenever she felt the contractions coming on.

At first we all were excited but as the woman fell into distress we became unnerved. A few of the girls began feeling nauseous &left the room only to return a while later. We thought "oh here goes another woman into the OT thanks to our cursed presence!"

We were losing hope to see the delivery to the end. The doctor did show us the head of the fetus lying at the end of the birth canal. We were amazed. It seemed such a small distance from the womb to the world. But it was taking alot of time.

There was alot of dirty stuff happening; even the disinfection was kindda gross due to the color of the liquid. The entire prospect of shoving the hand in to feel the head movement or for any obstruction was disturbing. Not like it could be helped! Then there was the trickling of blood & water. The woman was in pain & whining which made the entire prospect scarier than it was. I hate to admit it, but I was actually thinking why someone would want to go through this kind of pain for a child. The other girls were worried bout their figures. They kept verbalising that it was pointless to try so hard only to end up like that!

The senior dr walked in when the junior staff thought that the labor was prolonged. We got scolded by her because we were supposed to be somewhere else. Anyways, we heard it all but didnt leave. Time passed... Vacuum machine...went out of order at the last minute. Annoyance! Then came in the forceps...left one in the left hand, in it went on the left side...right one on the right.

Baby was even stubborn so the doc finally pulled it out with force! Whoosh! went the water & out came the cheesy baby. As routine it was struck on the bottom to make it cry. The placenta came later. All of us were estatic! Birth was really a miracle worth watching & expericiening..not only at the time of delivery but through each step. It was a happy atmosphere. The ordeal was over. The mother was happy. The child was alive. I was filled with excitement. I finally understood what all that pain was worth!

Wat ppl say bout me...

Arena (known to self and others) independent, knowledgeable, logical, mature, observant	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dignified, energetic, friendly, giving, idealistic, intelligent, loving, modest, reflective, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) organised	Unknown (known to nobody) accepting, cheerful, dependable, extroverted, happy, helpful, ingenious, introverted, kind, nervous, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, responsive, silly, spontaneous, tense

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (6%) bold (20%) brave (6%) calm (6%) caring (13%) cheerful (0%) clever (6%) complex (20%) confident (20%) dependable (0%) dignified (13%) energetic (6%) extroverted (0%) friendly (6%) giving (20%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (13%) independent (20%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (40%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (20%) logical (6%) loving (33%) mature (20%) modest (6%) nervous (0%) observant (13%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (20%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (6%) self-assertive (13%) self-conscious (6%) sensible (13%) sentimental (26%) shy (13%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (6%) tense (0%) trustworthy (26%) warm (33%) wise (6%) witty (20%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 1.5.2006, using data from 15 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view blackempress's full data.

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Perfect Lover

I got Tagged by Om so here are 8 points about my 'ideal'. I never really thought about it seriously but now lets see what I can list. I suppose this is the deepest truth about my life ever on the blog!

This Is Dedicated to the ONE--whoever, whereever & watever he is! ;)

* The greatest thing I need in him are Principles. I like people who know what they are about & have set standards in their lives. He should know why he is doing what he is doing. I cannot respect people who don't have, as you say it "ground beneath their feet." My man better have faith in all he is & what he wants or has.

*With principles, comes the need to be courageous. He should be firm enough to stand for what he believes in irrespective of the opposition he encounters. I am certainly eccentric & would want him to be distinguished as well. Eccentricity requires firmness or its an open oppurtunity for the mockers.

*A very important aspect I need is that he needs to be practical. I can't stand people who weave big empty dreams & do nothing with their lives except creating Illusions. Practical means someone who has a good sense of all matters including finances, people & relationships.

*One thing I have found common between all the people I pick is that they are very intelligent/smart. I like having people who don't need too many words to understand something.

*I love laughter so he definitely needs to have a good sense of humor. I simply adore Witty people.

*Since I am a better listener than talker so he should be talkative. I am attracted to good conversationalist & orators. (Btw I have a weakness for good come-backs & sarcasm).

*He should be sincerely loving & devoted { I think I deserve that!!! ;-) }

*He should be open-minded. I am too broadminded at times so he needs to have an expansive mind as well to tolerate me & for us to stay happy. (plus I like doing my own thing most of the time so he needs to be accepting of that. No sir, no possessiveness for me!)

OK, I've written 8 points but still have some qualities left:

Originality, Creativity, independence, versatility, atheletic, good education, refined mannerism & Knowledge.

I guess that sums it all up.

I think that is too much to ask for, wouldn't you agree?

But what the Heck! No harm in trying....anyone matching the above requirements..contact me ASAP.

Stories From The Ward I

I'm planning to add this as a weekly feature to share the tales from my professional life. I hope you will enjoy them too.

1st chest examination: This was the check-up for the respiratory system. It wasn't a problem, given that the team was co-operative & the patient was a lean male.(its difficult with the fat). But the trouble was that it was a male. It wouldn't have occured to me how my hands felt until the people I pracitised on told me that I had a light touch. Got the story? So it happened that while I was 'supposed' to be doing the superficial check(which was plainly feeling the entire chest with the palm) a 'crisp grasp' came from the patient. Everyone heard but all pretended innocence. I wasn't sure about continuing but did anyways-something else.That was the last time I ever checked the chest: I opted for the stomach instead :)

Paralysed Patients You might feel sorry for the stiffened patients being wheeled in but don't fall for it. They have amazing stories to tell. A couple of days back this middle-aged woman was brought in the medicine ward. Her attendants felt sorry for her that she couldn't even talk nor move her stiff limbs . The compassionate doctor went to examine her. He took his hammer & checked her reflexes to find that they were all present(in paralysis they're absent). He kept his calm & simply told the nurse to pass a tube down her nose into the stomach(Nasogastric tube which is painful)himself going into the other room. Within a few minutes he heard her scream...miracle doctor wasn't he! :D Alot of patients just fake for seeking attention & these kind of stories are not uncommon. We enjoyed the experience nevertheless.

The Long standing Question

There is usually a thought in every person's mind whether expressed or not about their existence. For some it's there as adolescents & then somehow getting into the grinding of the daily chores they forget to question things.

There are those such as I, who since the last 15years have been trying to find the meaning of life. Born with a silver spoon in the mouth, good family, great friends, good education, ample oppurtunities to grow and discover various things in life,I am as clueless as I was 20years ago. I've dug up religion. I've delved into the psyche of the human minds & read a great many books on philisophy but never to recieve an answer to the question.

People claim to have found their way. We aren't in the position to be skeptical. They are those who have found a passion or if nothing else 'contentment' in their lives.

I wasn't given the oppurtunity to live to do what my neighbor's doing or even what my brother or mother wanted to. The whole idea is that we all were created for a different purpose. Some people are there to serve others & some are there to be served. It's the way Nature has created us. It wasn't to us to question 'why humans eat the chicken & the chicken don't eat humans?' Somethings just "are".

Somethings that 'are' for some are just not for others. As the saying goes "one man's spinach is another man's poison". This makes it harder for each of us to open a different goody bag & make sense of it.

The 'meaning of life' doesn't span contentment. It's just that contentment is a playing factor in it. I talk in broad terms.

"why was life created?" The older I get the more worthless things appear. It seems that there is very little to do. Everywhere its the same thing & it surmounts to nothing valuable. I don't know what people chase. Perhaps to the man on the street, money will be of the greatest importance & to the woman without children, having a child would make life worthwhile. Aren't these materialistic things? Haven't all the religions taught to rise above them? These are the things we can't live without or have to do without but its just that "there's gotta be more to life!" Career, family, money & love can't be the beginning and the end, or are they?