The human connection

At times I wonder about our lives. The way we grow up & how we search for people all our lives; someone we could relate to, someone to understand us & listen when we need to be heard. From the cradle to the rocking chair, we constantly try to find the people who would love & accept us. It’s a miracle that we survive with so many disappointments. There are few fortunate who have their parents to look up to till they can stand on their feet & even fewer who have children who cherish them. For the others it’s a blessing if they find love to get them through life. It’s strange how we continue looking in places for a pair of kind eyes everywhere we seek. There are those who stumble & there are many; but we still return to the same lands to find something different. We continue to believe that the next time would be better. We run out of one arms only to return into them (or at least try to) or some that are similar to them. We take the greatest pain only to be accepted & tolerated by those we love. We forget that we too have something individual but we’re ready to make sacrifices. We’re willing to recreate ourselves into what our beloved would like us to be. We’re willing to handle the hurdles & walk miles only to be held in the comfort of the arms we adore. The human touch that heals & gives life is such an important factor keeping us alive. It’s what makes us pray at night for the beloved & give up ourselves for the betterment of families & societies.

The Journey

I’m making myself the prisoner of life. I’m digging my own grave still walking on its earth. I’ve walked out on those who loved me since long & I’m leaving behind the last of the ones who do. I’m sailing into the darkest winds, beyond the sight of humans so no one will ever find me. I’ve begun to detest life & all that comes with it. I want to break free from the ties of flesh & blood & perhaps become immortal. I have journeyed far, away from these sands of Earth. I have toured different skies & seas & ridden on winged horses. I have traveled really far & my memory retains the stories. I have danced on the spray of the water & I have hummed to the sound of the dripping spring. Hear their voices call from within the caves in the mountains. They sound so lovely. I have raced with the wind in the fields & I’ve tumbled with the flowers in the grass. I’ve caressed the silk of beauty & strengthened with the falling dew. I saw the boats I once rowed down one of the rivers. It crossed the land of the fairies & they’d greeted me as I sailed. I heard the buttercups too & I joined the elves in their games. It was so sweet. I visited the honeybee’s hive & the queen honored me with the gift of their precious gold. The finest honey I’d ever tasted. The king of Rocks saw me & took me on a tour of the treasures underground. I walked through miles of gold & gems-the kind I’d never seen in my whole life. He offered me a souvenir but I refused, expressing much gratitude. As I returned from my journey it seemed to be a different place. I’ve watched the sun set behind the ocean while standing atop the rocks. I saw flashes of the hourglass: I’ve watched its sands slipping. I hoped that it was just a nightmare, as I watched the light extinguish & darkness spread across to blacken out the sea & its shore. I wished to drift away with the tides or the wind but I opened my eyes to find my own prison-an unfulfilled wish that led me to seek my grave on land. It was a soil that didn’t bear my name. I drag the chains I’m tied in wherever I go. I walk away from all that’s familiar in hope to get lost within crowds where no one will know me & be led into the unknown to perhaps find a life again.

Living To achieve

“It’s only the thrill of the chase” she said unmoved by emotion. It seems like she’d gotten used to living like that. She seemed not to care about anything. It was easy for her to simply shrug off everything. She needed no interference in her life. She liked keeping her life clear of troubles, especially of other people. To her it seemed easy to find company & should some of the acquaintances become burdensome, she moved away to let them pass.
“There are others who can take care of them” she thought. She knew she was right. For her the only thing that mattered was her achievement. She wanted to aspire & would use any possible ladder to get there; not that she used people but knew how to work hard. It was simple for her to love & if she found good people she liked chasing them but attached no strings. She couldn’t bear the thought of being tied. She loved her freedom like a dying man loves life. Her fantasies consisted of blowing winds, standing on top of mountains & clear seas. She was in love with nature & nothing else. She wanted only that.

There was such a vast world & she wanted to be part of everything. She wanted to live away from everyone. There were better things to do. There was more life out there than hanging on to anyone or anything. She was too impatient & got bored by routine. She was restless & needed change constantly which made her pursue something new every time; that could be any person or even a subject or place. She wanted excitement & adventure so she picked up people-on-the-go. It became kind of a habit then. Perhaps it was her past that made her like that. The people she’d tried holding on to, deserted her, so she learnt to live. Or maybe it was another learning experience she subjected herself to.

She needed to survive & wanted to be prepared the best. They taught her well anyhow. She was a good learner. No one would’ve thought that she’d go this far, but then no one gave guarantees for life anyways. She wanted to turn hard. She’d planned on it. She wanted to care about no one. She wanted the love in her to die. She knew she would make it hard for others but then she made life easy for herself. She was strong enough to survive on her own. She knew that well. Others weren’t her concern. The world could find other means to survive. There was life for everyone who wished to seek it. She had her own to live.

The Bermuda In Us

I suppose there’s a part in all of us where emotions lose their effect. There’s a steely surface where the greatest tragedy hits & disappears like something over the Bermuda Triangle; just vanishes without a trace. It goes beyond sight into a region where there’s no chance of discovery again. Such are we, that we deny that there’s another feeling beyond ours. The mortal pain we so often come across becomes numb. Everything that we’d like for ourselves we fail to give to another. The fires that burn inside us too, we comprehend, yet not care. Even throw holy water & it’ll turn to steam & float away.

Consider the simile of the Bermuda triangle where the greatest of vessels quietly vanish from the surface of the earth: no one to state where they end up & those capable of relating the stories cease to exist. Such is bitterness. The body where it abodes, it dulls! The eyes see, the heart feels, the mind understands yet it doesn’t matter. The hatred flaming inside doesn’t allow a change for the better. It’ll prod to be unleashed & destroy but not heal. There may be some remnants in a good heart to extent himself for the sake of another but it won’t permit. It’ll take over & kill the senses that feel something. It cannot bear the thought of saving another’s soul. “Let them die” you hear it call from within. “Don’t care” it tells you. “Turn & walk away” comes the last command.

You obey, as you were meant to follow. A common outcome we all are aware of. We know what it is like, because we’ve been in both the situations. We’ve resented as well as been despised. We’ve all faced situations when we need someone around yet search in vain. Even warm hearts at times can grow cold. The truest of hearts tire of beating for the love unreturned: only to wake one morning & find their insides like frost over a doused candle. There takes over an emptiness that never lived before-a sensation like death within & nothing subsisting anymore. The once wet eyes dried & cold continue the remains of the journey. They see all that pain inside another & simply turn away. Just shrug it off. No one bothered to save them & they’ve come far. They say to let others find their own way out. The strongest of them will survive; for the others ‘Que sera sera’(what will be will be).

Story untold

Premonitions

" An injured bird came flying into the house. The lady lifted & placed it on top of another sparrow's cage. The newcomer was beaked constantly by the old resident till she flew away from there. The innocent soul went & kept crashing into the revolving fan,despite being hurt continuously till it got slashed in the neck & became lethargic. The bird was left outside the house-an easy target for the predators. No one knew what became of it." Its one of those situations in life that you know it all yet you know nothing. If only you could prove your doubts. If only you had the answers before the happenings. it would be easy then. But then it’s not so simple. How could you state for what isn’t in your control? How could you claim another’s destiny or for that matter their disposition? Who’s to know the meanings behind not yet happened events? Yet we claim to ascertain other’s motives & deeds. We think, therefore we label even without much proof. There are those innocents who spend their lives imprisoned while the sinners loamed free. No one confesses the truth & it comes out after ages & eons when the good life has already gone. The time no apologies would pay for. It was still the jury’s decision passed with confidence but time revealed a different picture. Human minds are programmed only to perceive little. Only time relates the truest stories but signs are there for the upcoming events. Only the wise understand better & reveal little till the premonition is finally revealed in its original form.

TO...

Another night without you
My heart has grown cold since you’ve been gone
Misery has befriended me
Only silence tortures my weary ears & images of you torment my idle sleep.
 Your smile still lights up the dark
Your laughter echoes in this empty room
Your image replays your footsteps & the scent of your perfume still remains, enkindling the pain.
 This room has become cold in your absence & not even the fires of hell can warm it
Just the thought of your touch arouses me
Just the contemplation of your eyes soothe me
Just the perception of your face comforts me
But I know these fancies are delusive
 Death is better than this misery
It is greater than these sleepless nights
 Preferable than this ill-fated romance
And much healthier than this wretched life.

The last petal

How to relate the words that torment within? What term would define the kind of life it’s been? What to do when the living the loved ones take away? Unaware they extinguish the light from the day. Lips don’t speak for it’s a matter of the heart Better to hold the throe than to drift apart Time would fare only to eat at the core Unfortunately the price of deception is always more. Stand ashore hoping the winds to carry away the pain Grey clouds came but brought no rain Counted on nature but received no solace & so it became another step to fall from grace. Unwritten messages choked the air Utterances could’ve conveyed but the heart couldn’t bear A little light in the tunnel that too faded with time With time, the dying melody completely lost its rhyme. Like to the dead the sun gave no warmth Carved a thousand smiles but dwelled without a soul Prayed for peace & Heaven granted a place The spirit lifted & left a petal as its trace.

Born Alittle Different

Lie to me that there’s going to be life for me irrespective of whatever happens. Tell me that this is an easy road no matter what the path may hold. I’m tired of believing in my own lies that there’s hope even if keeping my expectations low. You tell me that I dream & compliment my writing style. I’d only answer that that is all the treasure I have. I wish you knew how it felt to not be like all the others. You can’t even conjure the pain of not being able to get the things that hold the greatest meaning in life. Try & imagine it-but you won’t be able to. I dream of what others can’t even think & that is my problem. I reach for places in hope to get there but anticipate little. I know I’m foolish but then the situation would’ve been different if those around me could see what I was living for. It would’ve all been possible. I know that it’s easier said than done.

 Once upon a time everything seemed achievable. Fantasy was more real than reality itself. There were hopes. There were loads of prospects. Things were simpler than. There seemed to be ample time to do everything. Somehow time aged too soon. Sands slipped by too fast to gather. Where were we then? Why is it that ‘one day’ was a long time then & now appears that it’s already gone without even showing up? Why when we were reaching the skies then, are we digging the grounds now? Were we so foolish to think that what was beyond our sight then, would be accessible later? Why were we so imprudent to fix our eyes on what we wanted rather than turn around & see a different picture? Had we been forced to think the way others think back then, accepting rules would’ve been easier. Had we shared the same dreams we could’ve been happier today. We wouldn’t be asking for what no one else would’ve demanded. We’d have considered good what you consider well; than to come up with rules & thoughts of our own. It would’ve solved so many misunderstandings. That thing that you contemplate as a string of roses, I wouldn’t have thought as chains around my feet. That is what wasn’t expected 2 decades ago when I came in this world. You didn’t know I’d grow to be like this. You thought that I would automatically follow you just the way the rest of the world follows what’s been going on since years. I wasn’t supposed to mature as a rebel to the society or the traditions & cultures. I never knew that there was a world that held beliefs not-like-mine. I thought we were the same. And even if we weren’t I believed that we could be free & we’d learn from each other & this world would be a pleasant place. Damnation of innocence! I didn’t know that I carving Hell for myself!

 You wouldn’t know the tears that I shed for the price I’d to pay. You can’t even think of the path I’ve journeyed. You don’t see those lands because you’re blinded by the precedents. You hear no voices beyond humans because your soul’s been slaved to the world & its associates. The only colors you see are those that have been printed by another. You see nothing else. You know no other way to communicate than with those around you. But stand in my shoes & tell me that you’ve seen this all before. Convince me that there’s another being who longs for what I crave. I await those tidings. I know that I wait in vain. I know that I’m here alone & will always be the only one. I know those shoes fit none but me.
I’m not Cinderella whose prince will rescue her. There is no prince for me. These God forsaken walls are all the life I expect to live. You read but you still can’t comprehend. These words are written with the blood of my heart, but for you it’s typing on a page. Each word is soaked with the tears from my eyes but for you it’s the same old text. You only see what your eyes want to see. You don’t understand but it’s not your fault. The only culprit is me. I’m the only dreamer & I alone suffer. No one else deserves the imprisonment for the crime that I’ve committed on my own. Maybe if you saved me earlier I might’ve been different. I wish I was like all the others if that was what could’ve granted peace. It would’ve been worth being just another face in the crowd.

 Could you blame me if I’m giving up on life? I learnt now what I should’ve known earlier. There’s no hope for me. I sing songs to condole the death of my broken dreams. I keep convincing myself that there is life beyond; despite the walls I’m entrapped within. I seek mortal excuses to claim immortality but this body refuses to obey my commands. I knew there would come a day that I would stand ashore & would hit upon my reflection as a stranger to myself. I knew I wouldn’t be the person I’d kept the image of, all those childhood years. Why do you hold it against me when I say I’m a loner? Look around & see that there is no one like me in this place. Do you blame me for preferring my own company than to that of people? It’s when no one seems to fulfill my needs that I have to find another town to escape to. I want to be who I am. But why is it that no one understands even that? Once if there were little expectations, we still had hope that brought us far. Today we have neither: no dreams, no expectations, no hope…nothing. Not even the will. There seems to be no purpose for waking each morning only to lose another part of what once used to be. Seems simpler to await death than to dare fantasize again or live like a zombie. I can’t pretend to be happy when my world falls before my own eyes. I can’t bear the pain to watch it crumble to pieces what had been my rock to stand on all those years. How could I let go of what had given me strength & brought me so far? I’ll need to retrace my steps on the path I crossed to find my smile again. These walls will only kill what remains of a good soul. These feet knew to fly but forgot when they started looming these earthly grounds. They’re still young & capable of relearning what they knew once. Lie & tell me that I’ll be alright. Say that I’ve done well over these years & could turn out to be what I’d always dreamt of. Tell me that I have a bright future. I haven’t lost sight of these boundaries but try & make me see beyond them. I’m afraid to do it alone now. I might fail. Help me see my old world then kindly break my ties with this one. Set my soul free & I shall bless thee as the last breath gets carried by the wind…

Daydreamer

Please be kind & allow me to fool myself for once. Let me pretend that anything you do has no effect on me. Let me indulge in the illusion that I have all the pieces of my life planned & perfected. I’ll imagine that everything I want would be totally under my control. Allow me to think that I’m more capable than I am. I love you more than I’d like to believe. I dream more than I’d like to admit. I’m more naïve than I’d like to accept. I pretend that I’m insensitive when I’m really not. My idealizations are what keep me alive. I believe I’m practical even if I’m not. At least in my mind I can get everything I could ever desire. I can fool myself that my whole life is exactly how I’d like it to be. That is what keeps me happy & going. If I could convince myself that I have all that I ever asked for & am satisfied, so I can be that. Even if my life is a sham & pieces of a broken picture, I could still carry on. I’d smile through the water raised in the eyes, pretending that it’s a glass film beyond which is my wonderland that’s just blurred. If I ignore the reality for my benefit don’t pull me back. Allow me to remain in the reverie of pleasure. Imagination is such a blessing. It’s great to be able to achieve anything & everything that would otherwise seem so impossible & that too without effort. What more could one ask for if we could spend the whole life drifting in blissful dreams without a care in this world?

The Devil’s Dance

Tear the earth into a thousand pieces
Stab the heart till the last beat ceases
Dry up even the last pint of every ocean
But nothing will change this burning emotion.

Settled with love till played with fire
Then burning became the only desire
Experienced hurt then a restless heart
Then wished those feelings would never depart.

Ever heard of the devil falling in love?
That feeling’s attributed to only celestial beings above
The Satan is true to himself alone
Fire will melt what’s only flesh & bone.

Younger years taught how to cry
But the fire drank till the eyes were dry
The heat & hurt tried to intimidate
But I’d asked the fire to become my fate.

Experience of the first burn then wanted till the last
When wanted to turn around, time moved too fast
The first look at the player of fire had me entranced
Then nothing seemed more exciting than the devil’s dance.

Chain these legs & tie these arms
Blind the eyes but he won’t lose his charm
For him I’ll be till the last breath
Only his fire will give an honorable death.

The fire’s hurt is the sweetest pain
Enticing the devil ended in vain
He wasn’t the one to take a fall
I surrendered to burn my body & all.

Contented was the heart with each painful infliction
The devilish charms were a sweet addiction
Knew that the skies would never be blue again
But his fiery magic bid me to remain.

Too blinded by love to mind the pain
Fire was a passion too wonderful to abstain
Then what was peace compared to this life
When I’d vowed to become the devil’s wife.

Stab the heart or body a thousand times
But I’ve lived the moment meant to be mine
Nothing matters-not rain nor storms
The passion of fire will keep me warm.

Burn the moon or put out the sun
Nothing will cause this feeling to come undone
The mountains can tumble & even when the stars wont shine
My heart will belong to the devil for eternal time.

Peace & sleep hold no charm
Wanted a dance in the devil’s arms
Games of fire have made me insane
Now want to burn in it till nothing remains!

Death Of A Dream

It was a dream that felt so real
Arousing immaculate emotions so hard to conceal
There was invincibility in innocence
Now the hour glass has faded leaving only pretense.
 Remnants of sand will slip too soon
Then raise the eyelids to find it’s noon
The crystal ball shows nothing of what the future should’ve been & denying the truth is such a sin.
 Like a knife, its flesh sears
Invisible to the mortal eye the whirlpool appears
Here’re stone eyes where visions don’t exist
The decks & halls are only one’s mists.
 Dead ears where sound & silence is the same
It’s not the ears but the heart is to blame
Innocence is foolish to create wonderlands
To forget that Destiny is only in Fate’s hand.
 & like a dream the fantasy will die
The ocean will swell to wave it goodbye
Prayer of another would be granted it seems
 But for me, it’ll just be the death of a dream.

Clinging to a memory

Holding onto you feels like I’m holding on to a memory
 Believing in something the eyes can’t see 
Talking to myself, pretending that you are there
 Like a foolish child, despite being much aware. 
 Why do I hold on only to be hurt? 
Chase u like a puppy, just to be kicked into dirt! 
Faithful like the shore I continue to wait 
Idly believe in changing the obvious fate. 
 I love u still, or so I believe, My world will turn cold if u ever leave 
These illusions I create to have something to hold onto 
Setting myself for heartbreak by loving what isn’t true!

Lingering on love

One last tear for the beloved
 One last time before closing the book 
Would love to hold on, despite vain But the picture of reality’s changing. 
 One last prayer for happiness 
The last nurturing of the garden of memories 
Fostered with devotion, all that will tomorrow die 
One last turn to whisper goodbye. 
 These feet would tread those grounds no more 
Chained they will be the day after 
These arms would reach out no more 
Clasped with hands, that won’t be yours. 
 One last sigh for the fading dream 
Wish that time would learn to wait 
Should’ve been strong in resisting love 
Would’ve been spared the wounds that now won’t heal. 
 The last whisper to bid childhood goodbye 
One last wish to hold your hand 
These memories will tomorrow be buried 
Along with the dreams I depicted of you. 
 Cry me a tear, to pretend that it mattered to you 
Bid farewell like you’ll miss me, as I leave 
One last time, for my stay is short & as I commit to someone else, I’ll set you free.

End Of The Love Reign

You were not for me. Just like no one ever had been. It wasn’t like it was beyond expectation nevertheless it should’ve been painful. Perhaps it sounds far-fetched but it’s the truth. What’s hurt when it becomes a part of life? It’s not a new addition that would bring a change. Being a norm, anything coming is easy to tolerate. What’s disappointment? Please remind me the feeling that I’ve forgotten since some time. You’re gone, so what? Your presence did not make nor left any change. Could it be that after all this time I’ve grown cold? Or is that disposition due to the fact that you put in very little to what we shared? Well in either case it made no difference. It’s good that you didn’t bother much. Why to sacrifice for anyone when everyone’s only working for themselves? I’m glad you did too. There are fools like me who vent their wasted emotions into sordid writings llike this, but we feel & we care. Only to mope for them in the end & pour our resentment filled hearts into worthless tears. We're the ones hugging our pillows at night, praying for dawn to come early. We're the ones whose waits don't end. we're the ones providing the warmt only to end up shivering in the cold. Thats the price we pay for being emotional! What’s love anyways? When there are other things in this world why to run after what’s so intangible & inconsistent? There’s money & land to fight for. Why stand around to hold a person’s hand when you could be in the spot-light? Who’d bother about feelings when there’s power to struggle for? Why to care about other people once you’re getting your stomachs filled & the pockets? Why to raise the voice & disrupt our own chances for the sake of societies? Why to take all the trouble? Why care about anyone besides the self? Evidently everyone’s doing the job for themselves alone. All the good love’s gone. Hatred rules the heart now. Those fires keep it warm & going. What’s there to love in this dirty little world? The only love we know is for ourselves. We seek people only for our carnal desires. We use them & throw them like tissue papers. We’re lustful creatures craving power & status & we’ve forgotten the things that had some value. We’ve forgotten the purpose of our creation. We only run after things that’ll earn us glory & fortune. We’ve taken down walls & shed blood of millions in the name of glory. Then we claim to be humans! No matter how much we deny that’s the truth. Had that not been the reason, we’ve all been living quiet lives, unconcerned about what others did-whether that concerns the man-woman affairs or the affairs of the nations. There’s little room for love when we’ve built castles & fortresses out of antipathy. We’ve divided nations so what’s so big about breaking individuals? Hearts are even smaller entities than that. Teach those foolish souls to forget kindness & good deeds. Tell them to seek pleasure from worldly desires. Most of the people have forgotten what loving was about. There is no future for those who love. Tell them to turn cold. Teach them the art of survival without conscience; those who wish to exist will learn. There’s no place for the others. It’s a cruel world. When you can’t beat them, join them!