Spiritual Freedom

Speak to me without talking
Let your wounds bleed over my skin
Fear not your fears
I will carry you through the dark
Pretend no strength
I will shelter you from harm.

Let the truth in you connect to my spirit for release
Unburden your sorrows onto my restless heart
Don't leave me empty like you usually do
Merge into my very essence
I crave to taste your soul tonight.

Death

You walk by my side without invitation
You silence me by the power of your presence
You are the master of the shadows
Your guises scaring the strongest of hearts
You hold immortality & still I'm afraid to look you in the face
You, the weight that hush these lips
You, the secret I carry alone
You, the fearless fear
You, the living's worst nightmare
You, the ultimate truth
You, the door-keeper of destiny
You, the extinguisher of life
You, the carver of my journey
You, my partner of darkness
You, my inevitable Fate.

Pure beginnings

What comfort do you seek from this material world, mortal?
There is no peace in the perishable.
All that is finite can turn into void
So become the void & merge with the Infinite!

Soul-deep encounter

I met a woman who was classy if considered anything above normal- a psychologist by profession & nearly 20 years older to me. There was nothing unusual expected out of a professional relationship. Yet the encounter was anything but ordinary despite less than an average interaction.

I’ve kinda forgotten the reason for hanging in but the second time I entered the room, I saw her fortified within a highly energized bubble which I mistook for frustration but deciphered her need to retreat into a protected world was intense emotional pain. I knew there was no space for my insignificant rambling & an intrinsic quality of breaking defenses rose wanting to shatter the barrier though conjured the need for time. It only helped to maintain my calm with certain attitudes later. I already knew there was nothing a bit of patience couldn’t fix.

Despite normal interaction I began having a queer sense of familiarity that logic even forwent. I had no personal information & still the person felt as though she’d been there all my life. I thought my analytical arrogance was souring absurdly so pushed it aside. What followed after, I had no clue but the human sitting in front of me became an empty vessel that I could access psychically as though all barriers between us vanished & I could really touch the soul sitting more than 5 ft away. All I was doing was talking or listening but the magnetism drew me against resistance like I would actually ‘drown’ in her. I could read her thoughts. I could feel her pain. I knew how to heal. Like never before I found myself saying “I could be you”-a real time mirror. If insanity had another name, it should’ve been mine.

To think that I was chosen to be the piece fitter of the ‘puzzle’ was enough but rest of the story was oracular.I slowly began comprehending the threatening energy that centered our encounters- Her power, to change me & mine to unlock her. I had only known transcendence in a dreamy way, this was not the kind. This union was transformative & what could follow; neither had a clue & frankly better unknown. Despite experience I feared intense encounters & more over the power of someone over me.

I was tempted to explore the realm but needed safety gear minus all restrictions. There was neither & for an all-or-none enthusiast I refused to play. This relationship was gardened by intellectual pursuits, bolted by respect but still scarred by confusion of roles & deeply embedded dominance. The underworld only promised growth without the thought of cost. We had to do the thinking for ourselves & maybe that was the actual lesson of meeting a powerful woman at a level that was veritably soul-deep.

Immortality

The mind scoffs the persistence of foolishness beyond maturity. Wasted youth on dreams of glamor led to the nothingness I hold today. Those perils that I endured for the heartache now linger like scars around my failing knees.This world though beautiful stands empty unshared. This soul though complete suffers loneliness. Still I expect peace from those who know it not, these sufferable humans. This looming fear exchanged for love is the last of the flame that once burnt. Composed poems now like scrap circle with the blowing wind . Time dried the fountain of words that rushed the heart & laid it barren.
 Silence these beats now, deafened ears can't hear no more. Play those senseless games because the drunk can set no rules. Erase those dreams then eternally seal the passionate heart; with love on it's deathbed mortality is about to die!

Moonlight Madness

I stroll down the barren paths bathed in moonlight with the wintry breeze ablow. Thoughts of you fill my mind with their gentle madness intoxicating my senses to calm. You do not exist but I surrendered my soul to your mortal emptiness & alas I still linger onto those imaginary pieces of you.  

The Chosen one

Make me the pen that writes your name on the hearts of people
Make me the Book that eyes read to praise Your Glory
Make me the Voice that speaks of Your Wonders across the lands
Make me the Sword that fights in Your Name
Make me the Fire that burns all that You forsook
Make me the Messiah that leads people towards Your way
Make me the Love that melts the hardest hearts to embrace Your Passion
Make me the Lawyer who deals the hand of Justice
Make me the Light that torches the darkened paths
Give me the wisdom to understand Your hidden Grace
Give me the knowledge to silence the stormiest seas
Give me the patience to bear the troubles with courage
O Almighty, make me amongst Your chosen ones.

The Healer

My heart is like an ocean that has washed a dozen shores. It ebbs, recedes & roars within its own majesty.  It has drowned the pains of many & tumbled back in itself to immaculacy. It is the healer that regenerates perpetually flowing over the seared flesh leaving it anew. It buries within treasures awaiting discovery-the secrets for nourishment of the soul & the meaning to life-the answers of creation comprising of you & me & all that makes us one. Rejoice the essence of life, in a world within & above us. Come, I want to meet you there. 

The Winner stands alone

Standing at the cliff of relationship mount watching the last ones fall off. There's a whiff of Sadness as the mask of pretense melts away. There's no one left to face anymore.
It's death of naivety as the adult emerges. No gamers left to play the chances of love. Time to dance alone to those composed tunes & turn into thy own song. The soul has found ultimate freedom & wonders fill the heart with glorious light. I have perfected the art of winning the game & losing the people.

The last attachment

I pull on my cloak of silence letting the cold loneliness steal away the smiles that danced around my face with a muse to entertain. I allow my heart to break one last time before turning my back on hope of ever being together again. I let you fly, free as you’ve always been, only captivated prisoner by a heart allured by your beauty. I allow darkness to creep between the life & death I experience within this breathing body. I let the fire of my anguish burn your memories to ashes & wish the wind to carry the last of my lovers away. 

Self-actualisation

We  resist achieving our full potentials out of a fear of falling into our depths & finding something ugly there; We struggle enough to stay sane with our social identities already.

Wrong place to land

What brings you to this place?
There's nothing but emptiness here. . . 

Inkling #1

There's a thin line between genius & insanity. I often wonder which side I fall on.

Volatile Splendor

I am black. I am white

I'm the dark & the purest of light
Discover splendors of the world within my little heart
Savor the sweet tenderness in the words of art

I am mystery with all it's depth
Dare not question the corners I've crept
I'll ease your pain with a touch of my hand
Talk without words & I'll understand

Give me your heart strings & let me play

Allow my emotions to sweep you away

Close your eyes & hold me close
Cherish the fantasy as you rise to find yourself alone. 

Ultimate love story

Life is a series of love stories-learning self-love through every occurring change. 

The Comfortable turbulence

A light of hope yet another closure.

Why the necessity to FEEL again when the outcome never changes?

A burnt out hole to bleed forever more.

Can’t hold on. Can’t let go.

Again the darkness

Again the silence

Would this pain never cease?

Won’t this cycle ever stop?

Just stop.

Leave the ocean to regulate it’s own tides

Turbulence finally feels like home. 

Obsessed by insanity

“I’m floating in the flood of my evoked tears, wishing to drown & embrace infinity but I can’t. The ache sears the flesh with haunting flashbacks leaving the body in helpless trembles.I reach to stifle the pain unsuccessfully as the music comes alive & voices start talking.

I wince in agony ‘ I’ll drown but I’ll take you down with me. I want to show you another world. I want to break your bonds with everything you’ve known to be safe just to take a trip with me. How do you awaken a storm & expect it to not even touch you?” 

Into the Fade

This is the end-a post to mark that you existed within the lines of this page once. You no longer linger in the realms of my mind. Reality has uncrowned you for good. Goodbye dear perfect dream. You slowly seeped through the walls of my heart, had a long meaningless stay then crept into The Fade. You are finally dead. R.I.P

Emotional Encounter

Another love sick fool dreaming of a romance that never existed beyond the mind. Don't laden your eyes with the burdens of a restless heart.There is nothing but absurd writing here. You too stranger, don't be hassled by the pains of a dreamer's imagination. It was not your fault that the heart skipped a beat when you crossed. Take no blame for the bitterness of a woman's plight but forgive her ignorance.In her mind she had lived a perfect fantasy to escape the boredom of a mundane life.  Call it innocence as she wasn't aware of it's hazards. Knitting the dreams she began to believe them to come true but tested against reality that shattered like glass against the wall.

  Don't let my story delay your journey stranger, it bears no weight compared to the important things in your life. Apologies for the hurt that those searing words may have caused. Erase I cannot the words of resentment thrown your way for imagined slights. You are a patient man to remain & listen to a worthless tale. Be not amused nor frightened of the bizarre words you hear. You may mistake them to be directed at you but you have done no harm so forgive the pain bestowed upon you.

 Stay no further stranger should I rouse feelings of pity from you. Leave me with the little self respect that I feign to possess while I lament the love I failed to evoke from you. Bid sweet farewell as you  leave with those pieces of a shattered dream. Value the secret that there's no one who holds a candle to you. Be on your way & don't relate what you have heard to another  soul. It's just an unworthy narration that should be erased & forgotten, as it bore nothing but guilt & sorrow in it's consequence.

Not as we

This is our life story. A story about love & bonds, of good times & understanding, mistakes & hopes & most of all learning & leaving. This is the story of how WE split into YOU & ME.

There are no words to express the treasure I held when holding you. There are no words to express the pain I felt when losing you. Yet there was only silence. Silence despite the storm in the sea, emptiness in place of love, anger instead of clarification-let it die. Kill the years, slaughter the memories-forget the past, leave it all behind.

Time distanced us then a storm put us together again then another took us apart.

There are faces you’ve forgotten that are etched on my heart. There are memories that you’ve discarded that I’d taken pride from. Now there is nothing. Nothing to keep together, nothing to say, nothing left to do. Paths are divided. You go your way; I’ll go mine-not as we, but as you & me. Not with pleasant memories but with bitterness & regret. This is our story-a tragedy.

Wishful Thinking

~Yet we choose to submerge ourselves in this unpredictable sea of emotions, being rocked by tides

of love, lust, fear & hope- Never knowing that the same ocean can carry & leave us stranded on lonely islands far apart~

A missed tale

He came in the night & kissed my head as I lay, my bod mostly bare with the chemise on. He told me he loved me so I believed it. He loved her, he didn’t tell me but I knew. I could read his eyes. To him, like to the men before him, I’d transformed from a woman to a sexual object. I was to blame, I suppose they were right. The only love I deserved was from what they obtained pleasure or else, I’d no rights to feel or desire. They failed to see the human element of emotional hunger that I expressed between those kisses & cuddles. They would rather label me a nymphomaniac than understand my need for love. I was desirable-good to know. I was rich & glamorous-perfect make of a mistress. I was lonely, hollow & scared- denied to possess the qualities.

 Night after night, for years I pleased one, then another hoping to find something lasting. The bed was warm but it left me cold each time the door shut behind them. I searched for someone different. I wanted something real. Then I did find that someone, who loved me for me & replaced the pain with his warmth & affection. I happily gave my hand for the ring. My life was full of bliss-at least for a while. Then his eyes changed as he grew restless trying to find something new. The glow I held began to diminish as emptiness crawled back, bringing insecurity & bitterness for company. History repeated itself as summer turned to a permanent winter. So this night was like the nights before but left a shaper chill as his footsteps turned to leave the door.

The rewarded professional

Standing admist a large crowd a voice asks me

“Where are they?”

“Who?”

“Your friends?”

“They were here a while ago” I answer looking around at the unfamiliar faces surrounding me “Don’t you see a group of smiling faces or hear their bouts of laughter?”

“No”

“Aren’t those lovely people around beaming smiles in my direction?”

“No, but far amongst the crowd some old faces do loom about”

“There is something missing inside me” I relate “But there is so much warmth around”

“It’s the love of the common people”

Muse

Two Minds

One fantasy

Fragments of a dream

For one longing heart

Wasted emotions

Timeless emptiness

A broken bond

Pride to silence

An unfinished tale

Deserted & forgotten

But kindled the soul that cherished it.

Self-Talk

You meet a lot of good people in the walk of life but few special ones

You hear alot of 'I love you's but question if one could change the course of fate

There are thorns that rend when you keep the roses & you wonder if its worth throwing them all together

Sometimes it is...

Virtual Reality

Idle hopes lay in despair

Awaiting what will never come

Leaving a void in the heart

But silence on the lips.

And Stranded they are

In a sphere with walls that echo

Only but a solo voice....

The Paradox

YOU CAME:

Like dawn creeping through the darkness of the night

Like a scent slowly engulfing the senses with pleasure

Like a rose symbolising the existence of love

Like the sparkle of a freshly cut diamond

Like an answer to a downhearted prayer

YOU LEFT

Like a stranger born without feelings

Like water in a blazing desert

Like a thief disappearing into the still of the night

Like the sun shadowed in an eclipse

NOW

I conjure what could've been

I wait for the warmth of your presence

I dream of the laughter you stirred

I long for the wisdom you shared

Between two worlds seeking to find another you.

Learning the ropes

After seeing the way people function, I really regard the fact that I was born in a house where there was a super talented person like my mother. Honestly I’ve never seen another of her kind. People are creative & talented in many fields but never seen anyone who could handle anything from home deco to medicine, accounts & plumbering.

My mom is someone who’s popular for her choice in stylish dressing personally from clothes to jewels to home styling from drapery to cutlery. She always knows the right time for the right thing.

The more time I spend with her the more impressed I am. There’s nothing she can’t handle. At those times I feel handicapped while personally I am talented in many fields but nothing like mom. I don’t know what to do when handed a couple of flower stems to arrange. I’m clumsy with the sanitary fittings. I can’t properly garden. I can’t stitch a pillow. She can do everything to do with spades, needles, machines, pipes, make-up, screwdrivers, words, paints, flowers, tapes, medicines & injections. WOW!

I’ve always been saying “Mom, you’re a genius!”

Once upon a time I used to think that anyone can look good or do well if they had good material. I was so wrong. Now I see people who have amazing things & don’t know the way to use them. Instead of looking good, they look pathetic.

I remember the same woman correcting me when I couldn’t pronounce Biology. It was the same person who taught me the names of things I didn’t know. I still remember watching a news reporter in green & I said to mom “I like the stuff she has on her eyes. What’s it called?”

“Eye-shadow”

You know the thing that makes her really beautiful? Besides being a natural stunning beauty, she has a heart of gold. She’s down-to-earth, ready to give a hand to anyone anywhere. She’s praised in her in-laws more than anyone. She’s praised in her family. She’s the best mother ever. Did I mention she’s an amazing cook? No wonder, she just got another request to make lunch for someone again!!!

Mama, you’re the most beautiful person ever born. Thank God for You!

When I Grow up

Sounds familiar doesn't it? There would probably be no one who hasn't said this as a child. It's true that childhood & adolescence is invincible. It's so easy to dream to touch the sky even though its untouchable & like those dreams is really an illusion.

Time passes so fast that one day you grow old & feel that there’s little left to do. Remember how we felt when we were kids? We were so invincible. The world seemed like a globe on the palm of the hand.

“I can conquer anything” the heart spoke.

A thousand dreams weaved without realizing that barely a few would touch reality. But there was so much faith in them. Age, brought wisdom with it. Adolescence dawned & the invincibility lessened:

“I can’t conquer the world, but maybe a part of it”

2 decades down:

“I can’t conquer the world so let me do something in my society”

2 & half decades:

“I’m lucky if I can do something for myself & my family.”

Beyond that the dream list shortens while the disappointment list lengthens. There’s nothing anyone can do. Some fortunate ones stand where they intend on standing since younger years but most collect the remains of their shattered dreams to dump them in the trash-can of reality.

Still it’s sweet to hear those words spoken by children perhaps one of the lot may achieve part of the grand picture.

Whole new World

Recently we went on the mission of vaccinating children against Polio in Pakistan undertaken by WHO. Poliomyelitis is disease caused by a virus that can damage the nervous system and cause paralysis. But there’s a good side to it, vaccine is available & the disease can be prevented. Due to widespread vaccination it has been nearly eradicated from US but it remains a problem in the many underdeveloped countries of the world.

The experience was unforgettable. Walking down the lanes with goats & people it was really a new sight. One doesn’t really see anything living in the usual routine, but stepping out to a new world makes you realize everything that you’ve been blessed with that so many people have no inkling of.

There were no roads in the community we attended. The houses were not built of cement & cloth was used for the doorway though there were wooden doors in most of them. Naked children ran around on the sandy walkways. The place was packed with people, many were really hospitable. Doctors were respected & generally welcomed, which was favorable for us.

The most touching part of the whole event was how strong the interaction was between the neighbors. When we started it seemed like a huge feat, especially with the temperature hitting 40’C. But bit by bit it became easier.

Some kids were difficult but others were cooperative. Many of them surprisingly joined the team & helped us locating the houses with children <5>

There were some real beauties hiding behind the ugly houses. There was a world in a big town. People lived busy in their own activities having none of the luxuries we consider utilities. Kids weren’t playing X-box but with bricks & stones & enjoying equally.

The best part of the experience was to know another side of life & satisfaction came from knowing that those tots & kids would not suffer in the hands of the nasty virus.

Life really is beautiful.

The rift

“The subconscious's voice keeps reverberating in my head saying "I’m wrong, yea I’m wrong!"

I know that its foolishness to hang on your dreams. I know that in your world I’m a faceless person but on my side I can still recall the way u looked & how u talked. Maybe you're really only a fantasy stuck in my head…But you're the only stranger I’d ever wanted. You’re the only man in my life that I’d prayed for. What else can I do? I can’t give up my pride when I already feel that the ball's in your court. I can’t fight my ego. If you'd asked I’d have given any thing you'd desired, but u never gave me a chance.

Songs have created an imprint of your face that I can’t forget. Ask & you will not be refused. But you ask not.

Leave this tormented heart to beat on its own. Take these nostalgic memories & illusions.

Beautiful stranger you have created a rift in my heart.”

Ship in the storm

It wouldn't be any use of ranting about something that was long since over. There's nothing left to say when all is said & done. This wasn't a secret that needed to be revealed. Everyone knew it was going on when it was. When the goodbye came, they all heard it. They all heard the closing of the door. They all knew... there was nothing more to the tale.

Time passed by since then. Even after the shattered dreams there was still a fading light of hope. In desperate times, even a little means alot. I had that. There was no promise. There were no expectations. There was only hope. To save a sinking ship in the storm that just isn't enough!

Its a doc's life

To be watching ambulances being wheeled in everyday is one thing but sitting in one to take one of your own beloveds to the ER is something different.

Being in the medical field, we're used to seeing the tear filled faces & people sitting outside the ICUs with thier rosaries for those inside.The ambulance sirens & the running staff had been rountine. It had barely ever been moving with the stress we're daily exposed to. Everyone's trying to get along with their own lives so we let those handling the matters to them only.

The other day my uncle had a stroke. I checked his blood pressure & it was really high. I popped some pills in his mouth that I had on hand so by the time we got to the hospital it had lowered but still high. Due to the emergency numbers being busy & lack of people at home the event worsened. It had been 3hours before we got him the right care.Sitting next to him in the ambulance I watched for a constant movement. The distances seemed to never end. The traffic was taking too long. There weren't enough personnel around for help. All the relative things that happen when you want to rush. I constantly wondered if I'd had my last moments with him in that time. It was a serious one (in one of those long Unpronounceable places that I'll skip for u). There was immediate surgery & he was into rehabilitation. No one wanted to assume anything. No one wanted to give scary warnings. Good I thought. We'll see watever happens when it comes by.

The moral of the story is that it's easy to take other people's sickness more easily than that of a loved one. We somehow believe that while someone still walks they're eternal. We forget the delicate thread that this life is bounded by. It's one tiny snap & all is gone.

Today its a relative, tomorrow it could be those closer.I'd not have thought of it till this reality struck me. Cherish those around you.Give them some time to let them know that you care.You never know which words could be the last exchanged. When all is said & done, deep down you'd not live with that regret that 'I could've done more.'

The Accident

Temporary warmth of an accidental hug

Recaptured the heart that had tried to forget

The love in vain.

The suppressed emotions resurfaced

Hope came to life

The wait started again

& It would continue...

The torment would return

The cycle would carry on

She would continue paying...

The price of the accidental meeting.

Page from My Diary

I watched out the window as the bus sped across the bridge. I stared at the buildings & remembered something that had predicted that loads of places & people would pass out of my life as a result of maturation.I thought that I was mature enough. Well, all kids think that they’ve grown up even though it takes more time than they think to attain that maturity level.

I watched one building pass by followed by another & thought:

“This is the way everything would pass from my life.”

A scary thought I assure you when you view it all being left behind at high speed. That’s what life is, really isn’t it? Relative! My yesterday would be someone’s tomorrow. All the people I leave behind would someday be with new people in new places.But for me it would be ‘old’.

Over time I have come to admire people who are able to maintain their old sweeties & friends. I always thought that I was amongst them but looking at my life today, there is no one of my past with whom I share a mutual feeling. Either they have left me or I had left them. At the most there was no connection despite the presence.

When I look at my present, I do harbor some fears concerning the future. There are things that I want to hold on to. There are people I want to throw out of my life, yet I would never try. Then the thought of actually giving them up is tearing.But then that's the way things work isnt it?

U win some, U lose some!

Unrequited Love

How could u change the nature of the thorn & expect it to never rend again?
How could you seek comfort when that’s something it has never been?
How could you try to forget what was never meant to be forgotten?
It was a lesson…just a lesson.
For the final time, stop this pain. There is nothing even left to feel anymore.
Wish this heart could forget everything.
It isn’t easy, it never was.
Tears of disappointment rise once & again.
None to forgive,
One to never forget.
Why had hope deserted when love decided to stay?
Why did bitterness come walking in while it still occupied the place?
Why when all went down, did it never bow out?
It's not hatred that's burning inside, it's that unrequited passion.
Die, I say.
Die, I pray.
Die, there's nothing worthy left today.

Witnessing a Miracle

I was posted at the gynae ward on our usual rotations. Finally after the long dragging classes at the clinic we were looking forward to the end of the round. We had two last days before the posting would be over. As routine, there was only one thing we all looked forward to going to the gynae ward-a delivery. We thought that despite the 4 weeks we had had, it would not be possible for us to see any baby being brought into the world.

We were in for a pleasant surprise!

It had happened that everytime we went into the labor room, something or the other happened to the expecting mother & she had to be taken to the OT for which none of us were prepared so missed out a couple of "happenings" due to it.

One morning we heard the news that there was a woman ready to deliver. We refused to do any examination & just ran into the labor room. The lady did get unnnerved having 5 more people around her but we refused to budge. We watched the trainee work efficiently with the lady. It was her first so it was taking time. We constantly heard her tell the woman to "push" whenever she felt the contractions coming on.

At first we all were excited but as the woman fell into distress we became unnerved. A few of the girls began feeling nauseous &left the room only to return a while later. We thought "oh here goes another woman into the OT thanks to our cursed presence!"

We were losing hope to see the delivery to the end. The doctor did show us the head of the fetus lying at the end of the birth canal. We were amazed. It seemed such a small distance from the womb to the world. But it was taking alot of time.

There was alot of dirty stuff happening; even the disinfection was kindda gross due to the color of the liquid. The entire prospect of shoving the hand in to feel the head movement or for any obstruction was disturbing. Not like it could be helped! Then there was the trickling of blood & water. The woman was in pain & whining which made the entire prospect scarier than it was. I hate to admit it, but I was actually thinking why someone would want to go through this kind of pain for a child. The other girls were worried bout their figures. They kept verbalising that it was pointless to try so hard only to end up like that!

The senior dr walked in when the junior staff thought that the labor was prolonged. We got scolded by her because we were supposed to be somewhere else. Anyways, we heard it all but didnt leave. Time passed... Vacuum machine...went out of order at the last minute. Annoyance! Then came in the forceps...left one in the left hand, in it went on the left side...right one on the right.

Baby was even stubborn so the doc finally pulled it out with force! Whoosh! went the water & out came the cheesy baby. As routine it was struck on the bottom to make it cry. The placenta came later. All of us were estatic! Birth was really a miracle worth watching & expericiening..not only at the time of delivery but through each step. It was a happy atmosphere. The ordeal was over. The mother was happy. The child was alive. I was filled with excitement. I finally understood what all that pain was worth!

Wat ppl say bout me...

Arena (known to self and others) independent, knowledgeable, logical, mature, observant	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dignified, energetic, friendly, giving, idealistic, intelligent, loving, modest, reflective, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) organised	Unknown (known to nobody) accepting, cheerful, dependable, extroverted, happy, helpful, ingenious, introverted, kind, nervous, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, responsive, silly, spontaneous, tense

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (6%) bold (20%) brave (6%) calm (6%) caring (13%) cheerful (0%) clever (6%) complex (20%) confident (20%) dependable (0%) dignified (13%) energetic (6%) extroverted (0%) friendly (6%) giving (20%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (13%) independent (20%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (40%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (20%) logical (6%) loving (33%) mature (20%) modest (6%) nervous (0%) observant (13%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (20%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (6%) self-assertive (13%) self-conscious (6%) sensible (13%) sentimental (26%) shy (13%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (6%) tense (0%) trustworthy (26%) warm (33%) wise (6%) witty (20%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 1.5.2006, using data from 15 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view blackempress's full data.

Your Analysis of....

ME! click on this link & select the 5- words U would associate with me. http://kevan.org/johari?name=blackempress Thanks

Perfect Lover

I got Tagged by Om so here are 8 points about my 'ideal'. I never really thought about it seriously but now lets see what I can list. I suppose this is the deepest truth about my life ever on the blog!

This Is Dedicated to the ONE--whoever, whereever & watever he is! ;)

* The greatest thing I need in him are Principles. I like people who know what they are about & have set standards in their lives. He should know why he is doing what he is doing. I cannot respect people who don't have, as you say it "ground beneath their feet." My man better have faith in all he is & what he wants or has.

*With principles, comes the need to be courageous. He should be firm enough to stand for what he believes in irrespective of the opposition he encounters. I am certainly eccentric & would want him to be distinguished as well. Eccentricity requires firmness or its an open oppurtunity for the mockers.

*A very important aspect I need is that he needs to be practical. I can't stand people who weave big empty dreams & do nothing with their lives except creating Illusions. Practical means someone who has a good sense of all matters including finances, people & relationships.

*One thing I have found common between all the people I pick is that they are very intelligent/smart. I like having people who don't need too many words to understand something.

*I love laughter so he definitely needs to have a good sense of humor. I simply adore Witty people.

*Since I am a better listener than talker so he should be talkative. I am attracted to good conversationalist & orators. (Btw I have a weakness for good come-backs & sarcasm).

*He should be sincerely loving & devoted { I think I deserve that!!! ;-) }

*He should be open-minded. I am too broadminded at times so he needs to have an expansive mind as well to tolerate me & for us to stay happy. (plus I like doing my own thing most of the time so he needs to be accepting of that. No sir, no possessiveness for me!)

OK, I've written 8 points but still have some qualities left:

Originality, Creativity, independence, versatility, atheletic, good education, refined mannerism & Knowledge.

I guess that sums it all up.

I think that is too much to ask for, wouldn't you agree?

But what the Heck! No harm in trying....anyone matching the above requirements..contact me ASAP.

Stories From The Ward I

I'm planning to add this as a weekly feature to share the tales from my professional life. I hope you will enjoy them too.

1st chest examination: This was the check-up for the respiratory system. It wasn't a problem, given that the team was co-operative & the patient was a lean male.(its difficult with the fat). But the trouble was that it was a male. It wouldn't have occured to me how my hands felt until the people I pracitised on told me that I had a light touch. Got the story? So it happened that while I was 'supposed' to be doing the superficial check(which was plainly feeling the entire chest with the palm) a 'crisp grasp' came from the patient. Everyone heard but all pretended innocence. I wasn't sure about continuing but did anyways-something else.That was the last time I ever checked the chest: I opted for the stomach instead :)

Paralysed Patients You might feel sorry for the stiffened patients being wheeled in but don't fall for it. They have amazing stories to tell. A couple of days back this middle-aged woman was brought in the medicine ward. Her attendants felt sorry for her that she couldn't even talk nor move her stiff limbs . The compassionate doctor went to examine her. He took his hammer & checked her reflexes to find that they were all present(in paralysis they're absent). He kept his calm & simply told the nurse to pass a tube down her nose into the stomach(Nasogastric tube which is painful)himself going into the other room. Within a few minutes he heard her scream...miracle doctor wasn't he! :D Alot of patients just fake for seeking attention & these kind of stories are not uncommon. We enjoyed the experience nevertheless.

The Long standing Question

There is usually a thought in every person's mind whether expressed or not about their existence. For some it's there as adolescents & then somehow getting into the grinding of the daily chores they forget to question things.

There are those such as I, who since the last 15years have been trying to find the meaning of life. Born with a silver spoon in the mouth, good family, great friends, good education, ample oppurtunities to grow and discover various things in life,I am as clueless as I was 20years ago. I've dug up religion. I've delved into the psyche of the human minds & read a great many books on philisophy but never to recieve an answer to the question.

People claim to have found their way. We aren't in the position to be skeptical. They are those who have found a passion or if nothing else 'contentment' in their lives.

I wasn't given the oppurtunity to live to do what my neighbor's doing or even what my brother or mother wanted to. The whole idea is that we all were created for a different purpose. Some people are there to serve others & some are there to be served. It's the way Nature has created us. It wasn't to us to question 'why humans eat the chicken & the chicken don't eat humans?' Somethings just "are".

Somethings that 'are' for some are just not for others. As the saying goes "one man's spinach is another man's poison". This makes it harder for each of us to open a different goody bag & make sense of it.

The 'meaning of life' doesn't span contentment. It's just that contentment is a playing factor in it. I talk in broad terms.

"why was life created?" The older I get the more worthless things appear. It seems that there is very little to do. Everywhere its the same thing & it surmounts to nothing valuable. I don't know what people chase. Perhaps to the man on the street, money will be of the greatest importance & to the woman without children, having a child would make life worthwhile. Aren't these materialistic things? Haven't all the religions taught to rise above them? These are the things we can't live without or have to do without but its just that "there's gotta be more to life!" Career, family, money & love can't be the beginning and the end, or are they?

Tail Of 2005

Another year gone by-time flies... perhaps memory makes us feel that way.

As far as I am Concerned this year has been of many emotional see-saws.

2005 was not exactly predicted to be a good year for me in the first place. In fact an occultist said that it would be a year of ‘no progress’ & it turned out to be true.

Despite the overall stickiness of the situation I would say that this has been a year of great emotional wealth.

There comes a point in your life when you have to take a stand for self-preservation & eradicate all the visible thorns from rending you further than they had been over the years. I wouldn’t call it ‘awakening’ because aware I had always been.

<>But this year I went through the kind of emotional turmoil that I couldn’t have even imagined-reached the peak, hit the trough then rose again. From that experience & those before it, I have found contentment in my life that I had been lacking in, until now. I have broken the chains that kept me from loving with an open heart. I no longer care for pretentious affection.

I have learnt that the person I see in the mirror is me & I dare not change my perspective about that person according to stupid opinions of others. I have found the truth & can proudly stand for my values regardless of anything.

<>I no longer need to be shy that others don’t think like me. Time has taught me great lessons & I have the courage to be who I am. I express what I desire. I may be different but I am happy being ME.

Another lesson I learnt this year is that truth always stands out. I no longer feel the need to please people only so that they may stay. They taught me the difference between fair-weather & foul-weather friends. Letting truth decide the fate, also showed me the real faces of those I thought were well-wishers. It was a mask they wore.

And the fact that my family would be the only support to me became more evident in the evaluation. I was born lucky.

Secondly I realized that it isn’t worth chasing someone who has no intentions of reciprocating. It’s only a matter of heartache on the long run.

<>Also “opposites don’t attract!” That is only in physics. Human relations are worst in that category resulting in lifelong scarring. Human bonding works on homeopathy principle:

“Like attracts like.”

Conclusion came that those who really love you will stand by you irrespective of moods or outside influences. Otherwise they aren’t worth in the first place!

Casting people aside, this has also been a depressing year on a personal growth margin. There were more teary days than those that had ever been over the years combined. Had to face the NOT-SO-ME person too & well…accept it. Circumstances like that turned up to cause distress. Fortunately it all passed.

Academically I see no great difference but hopefully from next week.

Physically, hmm…have to admit bout the realization of the fact that I have been gifted in this area without having to work for it. Praise the Lord!

Financially this had been a year of expenses. That was also because of a robbery late in the year that fell heavy on the budget.

Overall, especially the last few months went active. It was the time to settle with growing relationships in the family & how to manage them-another lesson in the emotional field.

Last but not the least; I learnt the power of blogging & the blessing of having good readers. I thought I would never get this chance. But I discovered that there are small worlds within our world & the things that give the greatest pleasure are common to us all.

I found good friends & great confidantes who further richen my emotional life. Love u all.

Happy new year everybody!!!

Tender Moments Isnt it beautiful, when someone you love, gets you the thing you've had ur eyes on since sometime, especially when you least expect to ever get it! At the present moment I have the not-so-new yet my favourite( mark-the only Nokia set)Mobile in my hand & yet it seems like a dream. I didnt get it. I wanted to but I really didnt even think of it due to the cost. I am attracted to, as well as scared, of expensive things. Reasons Of it I'll skip. Anyways, I always admired it from the distance but a day back my sister surprised me by giving it to me as a gift. No birthday, no graduation... nothing! She was celebrating her love for me! I was so touched. I was kindda ambivalent due to the attachment to the old Sony Erricson of mine(me being a fan of it). But then the thought behind the effort & especially the cost of getting a gift out of her own pocket(which I assure u is a big thing for someone on pocket money esp when its a big price!) & then just the fact that it was my favourite person's love made me so excited with the new piece. IF that wasnt enough she wrote a long letter for me expressing her admiration & sentiments. To make it perfect she added a card to the whole thing. Then last but not the least she drew a big smiley That said "Keep smiling because I love you." Absolutely adorable! To me she is & will always b a kid no matter how old she gets-still the child of my heart. Shy as we are, I sent her a text : "That was the sweetest & most laughable letter I've ever gotten. Thanks :) Love u baby. You'll always be my sweet baby sissy!" She replied: "Aww...you melted this ole heart of mine. THanks :)" Both of us dont fall for just anything but when it comes to us both, there's an extra soft spot. At times like these, I really know that I am blessed! Thanks sis, U're the best :)

Stolen From Osbasso

I found this on Osbasso's blog (who had taken it yet from someone else) & wanted to see wat everyone had to say.
 I dont mind if anyone else takes it from here. In fact I would love to fill it up for someone else!
 Ok folks... here goes!
 01] I _____ Blackempress
02] Blackempress is _____.
 03] If I were alone in a room with Blackempress, I would _____.
 04] I think Blackempress should _____.
05] Blackempress needs _____.
06] I want to _____ Blackempress
07] Someday Blackempress will ___.
08]Blackempress reminds me of _____.
09] Without Blackempress _____.
10] My memories of Blackempress are _____.
11Blackempresscan be _____.
12] The worst thing about Blackempress is _____.
13] The best thing about Blackempress is _____.
 14] I am _____ with Blackempress.
15] One thing I would like to know about Blackempress is _____.
 16] Blackempress should go and _____.
17]Blackempress _____ me.

Hip Hip Hurray!!!

You are Form 8, Demon: The Destroyer. "And The Demon took advantage of the chaos and seized civillization. With grace and style, Demon slit The Goddess's belly and drowned the world in her blood. The Goddess, The Demon, and the world were no more." Some examples of the Demon Form are Seth (Egyptian) and The Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Christian).The Demon is associated with the concept of destruction, the number 8, and the element of earth.His sign is the full moon. As a member of Form 8, you are a very strong willed individual. You don't let others' opinions sway your own and you're usually not afraid to speak your mind. However, some may see you as a bit overly passionate but it's just because you never back down from your values. No matter what, you always do everything with style. Demons are the best friends to have because they will back you up. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by

Silent Scream

I give you my trust Only to be exploited in return
I reveal my life to you Only to be criticized & degraded
I give you my honesty Only to be labeled
I give my all & you never quit taking
Now when it’s my turn
I take back my life & give you only silence.

Misunderstood

We were only trying to find each other

When we sacrificed for each other

Till circumstances forced us to part

You thought what you had to offer wasn’t good enough

So you set me free

I felt my presence not required

So in the silence, we let each other go

Now you swap your wounds with guilt

While I regret letting a beautiful friendship die.

Secret Admirer

I sit on my star in the open galaxy Breaking off pieces to throw down into your universe Wouldn’t the sparkle catch your eye?

I lay on my rose in your garden Separating the petals & letting them fall Wouldn’t the fragrance rouse your senses?

I float on the ocean Dripping droplets into your desert Wouldn’t the change give you pleasure?

I wait on the rainbow Giving small spectrums on your water & glass Wouldn’t my art attract you?

I reveal myself in your reflection Showing you the picture of a complete life Wouldn’t you ask me to stay forever?