Wishful Thinking

~Yet we choose to submerge ourselves in this unpredictable sea of emotions, being rocked by tides

of love, lust, fear & hope- Never knowing that the same ocean can carry & leave us stranded on lonely islands far apart~

A missed tale

He came in the night & kissed my head as I lay, my bod mostly bare with the chemise on. He told me he loved me so I believed it. He loved her, he didn’t tell me but I knew. I could read his eyes. To him, like to the men before him, I’d transformed from a woman to a sexual object. I was to blame, I suppose they were right. The only love I deserved was from what they obtained pleasure or else, I’d no rights to feel or desire. They failed to see the human element of emotional hunger that I expressed between those kisses & cuddles. They would rather label me a nymphomaniac than understand my need for love. I was desirable-good to know. I was rich & glamorous-perfect make of a mistress. I was lonely, hollow & scared- denied to possess the qualities. Night after night, for years I pleased one, then another hoping to find something lasting. The bed was warm but it left me cold each time the door shut behind them. I searched for someone different. I wanted something real. Then I did find that someone, who loved me for me & replaced the pain with his warmth & affection. I happily gave my hand for the ring. My life was full of bliss-at least for a while. Then his eyes changed as he grew restless trying to find something new. The glow I held began to diminish as emptiness crawled back, bringing insecurity & bitterness for company. History repeated itself as summer turned to a permanent winter. So this night was like the nights before but left a shaper chill as his footsteps turned to leave the door.

The rewarded professional

Standing admist a large crowd a voice asks me

“Where are they?”

“Who?”

“Your friends?”

“They were here a while ago” I answer looking around at the unfamiliar faces surrounding me “Don’t you see a group of smiling faces or hear their bouts of laughter?”

“No”

“Aren’t those lovely people around beaming smiles in my direction?”

“No, but far amongst the crowd some old faces do loom about”

“There is something missing inside me” I relate “But there is so much warmth around”

“It’s the love of the common people”

Muse

Two Minds

One fantasy

Fragments of a dream

For one longing heart

Wasted emotions

Timeless emptiness

A broken bond

Pride to silence

An unfinished tale

Deserted & forgotten

But kindled the soul that cherished it.

Self-Talk

You meet a lot of good people in the walk of life but few special ones

You hear alot of 'I love you's but question if one could change the course of fate

There are thorns that rend when you keep the roses & you wonder if its worth throwing them all together

Sometimes it is...

Virtual Reality

Idle hopes lay in despair

Awaiting what will never come

Leaving a void in the heart

But silence on the lips.

And Stranded they are

In a sphere with walls that echo

Only but a solo voice....

The Paradox

YOU CAME:

Like dawn creeping through the darkness of the night

Like a scent slowly engulfing the senses with pleasure

Like a rose symbolising the existence of love

Like the sparkle of a freshly cut diamond

Like an answer to a downhearted prayer

YOU LEFT

Like a stranger born without feelings

Like water in a blazing desert

Like a thief disappearing into the still of the night

Like the sun shadowed in an eclipse

NOW

I conjure what could've been

I wait for the warmth of your presence

I dream of the laughter you stirred

I long for the wisdom you shared

Between two worlds seeking to find another you.

Love Letter

I know that I remain unforgiven for lack of introduction last time. I thought that I was done & over with but something compelled me to return. I came with good intentions last time, but this time its different- I came with my story.

Unfortunately I lack the talent for manipulating people & playing games or life would have been simpler. My best feature so far has been Integrity & not having any skeletons in my closet allow me to live peacefully, except this one demon that I decided to set free before moving on with my life.

I've come across many good men in my life with good looks, impeccable manners & outstanding talents; I still have the privilege to enjoy the company of nice gentlemen but ironically no one has ever left a mark on memory as strong as you. Why? That is a question I’m searching an answer for since years. It might be the sadness that you carry with your glorious presence. It could be my desire to bring out your potential that someone has stamped over. It might be your uniqueness that attracts me. I know that it’s deeper than the skin.

10 years is a long time to keep a secret-especially when some crazy voices in the head come alive time after time like a werewolf when the blue moon shines. Surely it shines for all of us- most of us just prefer to deny it.

This is my story- a permanent reminder you left behind, long after your footsteps vanished.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_enXdpXQv0

If nothing else, it will serve to stroke your ego that you had admirers in your life.

I’ve always loved the idea of living ‘Casablanca’ romance in life but unfortunately I haven’t even gotten the chance of those 10 days spent in dreamy romance before reality shattered the picture.

I wish I knew a way to break through your walls. I wish I could win your trust but it’s so hard for a wounded heart to believe a stranger. I know. I know you’re story better than you’ll ever realize. I can sense the gaps left in your life. I know that I can’t complete them but I wish to prevent more. I know the harder I try to convince you that I’m for real, the more you will turn away.

If only you could read between these lines. If only you could understand the depth of these words would you see who I really am. If only you weren’t hurt so bad before. Perhaps in better days we could have been more than strangers; maybe it was never meant to be more but it’s still worth taking a chance on.

Give me words & I'll be honored

Give me silence & I'll understand.

Yours

Secret admirer!

Learning the ropes

After seeing the way people function, I really regard the fact that I was born in a house where there was a super talented person like my mother. Honestly I’ve never seen another of her kind. People are creative & talented in many fields but never seen anyone who could handle anything from home deco to medicine, accounts & plumbering.

My mom is someone who’s popular for her choice in stylish dressing personally from clothes to jewels to home styling from drapery to cutlery. She always knows the right time for the right thing.

The more time I spend with her the more impressed I am. There’s nothing she can’t handle. At those times I feel handicapped while personally I am talented in many fields but nothing like mom. I don’t know what to do when handed a couple of flower stems to arrange. I’m clumsy with the sanitary fittings. I can’t properly garden. I can’t stitch a pillow. She can do everything to do with spades, needles, machines, pipes, make-up, screwdrivers, words, paints, flowers, tapes, medicines & injections. WOW!

I’ve always been saying “Mom, you’re a genius!”

Once upon a time I used to think that anyone can look good or do well if they had good material. I was so wrong. Now I see people who have amazing things & don’t know the way to use them. Instead of looking good, they look pathetic.

I remember the same woman correcting me when I couldn’t pronounce Biology. It was the same person who taught me the names of things I didn’t know. I still remember watching a news reporter in green & I said to mom “I like the stuff she has on her eyes. What’s it called?”

“Eye-shadow”

You know the thing that makes her really beautiful? Besides being a natural stunning beauty, she has a heart of gold. She’s down-to-earth, ready to give a hand to anyone anywhere. She’s praised in her in-laws more than anyone. She’s praised in her family. She’s the best mother ever. Did I mention she’s an amazing cook? No wonder, she just got another request to make lunch for someone again!!!

Mama, you’re the most beautiful person ever born. Thank God for You!

When I Grow up

Sounds familiar doesn't it? There would probably be no one who hasn't said this as a child. It's true that childhood & adolescence is invincible. It's so easy to dream to touch the sky even though its untouchable & like those dreams is really an illusion.

Time passes so fast that one day you grow old & feel that there’s little left to do. Remember how we felt when we were kids? We were so invincible. The world seemed like a globe on the palm of the hand.

“I can conquer anything” the heart spoke.

A thousand dreams weaved without realizing that barely a few would touch reality. But there was so much faith in them. Age, brought wisdom with it. Adolescence dawned & the invincibility lessened:

“I can’t conquer the world, but maybe a part of it”

2 decades down:

“I can’t conquer the world so let me do something in my society”

2 & half decades:

“I’m lucky if I can do something for myself & my family.”

Beyond that the dream list shortens while the disappointment list lengthens. There’s nothing anyone can do. Some fortunate ones stand where they intend on standing since younger years but most collect the remains of their shattered dreams to dump them in the trash-can of reality.

Still it’s sweet to hear those words spoken by children perhaps one of the lot may achieve part of the grand picture.

Whole new World

Recently we went on the mission of vaccinating children against Polio in Pakistan undertaken by WHO. Poliomyelitis is disease caused by a virus that can damage the nervous system and cause paralysis. But there’s a good side to it, vaccine is available & the disease can be prevented. Due to widespread vaccination it has been nearly eradicated from US but it remains a problem in the many underdeveloped countries of the world.

The experience was unforgettable. Walking down the lanes with goats & people it was really a new sight. One doesn’t really see anything living in the usual routine, but stepping out to a new world makes you realize everything that you’ve been blessed with that so many people have no inkling of.

There were no roads in the community we attended. The houses were not built of cement & cloth was used for the doorway though there were wooden doors in most of them. Naked children ran around on the sandy walkways. The place was packed with people, many were really hospitable. Doctors were respected & generally welcomed, which was favorable for us.

The most touching part of the whole event was how strong the interaction was between the neighbors. When we started it seemed like a huge feat, especially with the temperature hitting 40’C. But bit by bit it became easier.

Some kids were difficult but others were cooperative. Many of them surprisingly joined the team & helped us locating the houses with children <5>

There were some real beauties hiding behind the ugly houses. There was a world in a big town. People lived busy in their own activities having none of the luxuries we consider utilities. Kids weren’t playing X-box but with bricks & stones & enjoying equally.

The best part of the experience was to know another side of life & satisfaction came from knowing that those tots & kids would not suffer in the hands of the nasty virus.

Life really is beautiful.

The rift

“The subconscious's voice keeps reverberating in my head saying "I’m wrong, yea I’m wrong!"

I know that its foolishness to hang on your dreams. I know that in your world I’m a faceless person but on my side I can still recall the way u looked & how u talked. Maybe you're really only a fantasy stuck in my head…But you're the only stranger I’d ever wanted. You’re the only man in my life that I’d prayed for. What else can I do? I can’t give up my pride when I already feel that the ball's in your court. I can’t fight my ego. If you'd asked I’d have given any thing you'd desired, but u never gave me a chance.

Songs have created an imprint of your face that I can’t forget. Ask & you will not be refused. But you ask not.

Leave this tormented heart 2beat on its own. Take these nostalgic memories & illusions.

Beautiful stranger you have created a rift in my heart.”

Ship in the storm

It wouldn't be any use of ranting about something that was long since over. There's nothing left to say when all is said & done. This wasn't a secret that needed to be revealed. Everyone knew it was going on when it was. When the goodbye came, they all heard it. They all heard the closing of the door. They all knew... there was nothing more to the tale.

Time passed by since then. Even after the shattered dreams there was still a fading light of hope. In desperate times, even a little means alot. I had that. There was no promise. There were no expectations. There was only hope. To save a sinking ship in the storm that just isn't enough!

Its a doc's life

To be watching ambulances being wheeled in everyday is one thing but sitting in one to take one of your own beloveds to the ER is something different.

Being in the medical field, we're used to seeing the tear filled faces & people sitting outside the ICUs with thier rosaries for those inside.The ambulance sirens & the running staff had been rountine. It had barely ever been moving with the stress we're daily exposed to. Everyone's trying to get along with their own lives so we let those handling the matters to them only.

The other day my uncle had a stroke. I checked his blood pressure & it was really high. I popped some pills in his mouth that I had on hand so by the time we got to the hospital it had lowered but still high. Due to the emergency numbers being busy & lack of people at home the event worsened. It had been 3hours before we got him the right care.Sitting next to him in the ambulance I watched for a constant movement. The distances seemed to never end. The traffic was taking too long. There weren't enough personnel around for help. All the relative things that happen when you want to rush. I constantly wondered if I'd had my last moments with him in that time. It was a serious one (in one of those long Unpronounceable places that I'll skip for u). There was immediate surgery & he was into rehabilitation. No one wanted to assume anything. No one wanted to give scary warnings. Good I thought. We'll see watever happens when it comes by.

The moral of the story is that it's easy to take other people's sickness more easily than that of a loved one. We somehow believe that while someone still walks they're eternal. We forget the delicate thread that this life is bounded by. It's one tiny snap & all is gone.

Today its a relative, tomorrow it could be those closer.I'd not have thought of it till this reality struck me. Cherish those around you.Give them some time to let them know that you care.You never know which words could be the last exchanged. When all is said & done, deep down you'd not live with that regret that 'I could've done more.'

The Accident

Temporary warmth of an accidental hug

Recaptured the heart that had tried to forget

The love in vain.

The suppressed emotions resurfaced

Hope came to life

The wait started again

& It would continue...

The torment would return

The cycle would carry on

She would continue paying...

The price of the accidental meeting.

Page from My Diary

I watched out the window as the bus sped across the bridge. I stared at the buildings & remembered something that had predicted that loads of places & people would pass out of my life as a result of maturation.I thought that I was mature enough. Well, all kids think that they’ve grown up even though it takes more time than they think to attain that maturity level.

I watched one building pass by followed by another & thought:

“This is the way everything would pass from my life.”

A scary thought I assure you when you view it all being left behind at high speed. That’s what life is, really isn’t it? Relative! My yesterday would be someone’s tomorrow. All the people I leave behind would someday be with new people in new places.But for me it would be ‘old’.

Over time I have come to admire people who are able to maintain their old sweeties & friends. I always thought that I was amongst them but looking at my life today, there is no one of my past with whom I share a mutual feeling. Either they have left me or I had left them. At the most there was no connection despite the presence.

When I look at my present, I do harbor some fears concerning the future. There are things that I want to hold on to. There are people I want to throw out of my life, yet I would never try. Then the thought of actually giving them up is tearing.But then that's the way things work isnt it?

U win some, U lose some!

Unrequited Love

How could u change the nature of the thorn & expect it to never rend again?

How could you seek comfort when that’s something it has never been?

How could you try to forget what was never meant to be forgotten?

It was a lesson…just a lesson.

For the final time, stop this pain. There is nothing even left to feel anymore.

Wish this heart could forget everything.

It isn’t easy, it never was.

Tears of disappointment rise once & again.

None to forgive,

One to never forget.

Why had hope deserted when love decided to stay?

Why did bitterness come walking in while it still occupied the place?

Why when all went down, did it never bow out?

It's not hatred that's burning inside, it's that unrequited passion.

Die, I say.

Die, I pray.

Die, there's nothing worthy left today.

Witnessing a Miracle

I was posted at the gynae ward on our usual rotations. Finally after the long dragging classes at the clinic we were looking forward to the end of the round. We had two last days before the posting would be over. As routine, there was only one thing we all looked forward to going to the gynae ward-a delivery. We thought that despite the 4 weeks we had had, it would not be possible for us to see any baby being brought into the world.

We were in for a pleasant surprise!

It had happened that everytime we went into the labor room, something or the other happened to the expecting mother & she had to be taken to the OT for which none of us were prepared so missed out a couple of "happenings" due to it.

One morning we heard the news that there was a woman ready to deliver. We refused to do any examination & just ran into the labor room. The lady did get unnnerved having 5 more people around her but we refused to budge. We watched the trainee work efficiently with the lady. It was her first so it was taking time. We constantly heard her tell the woman to "push" whenever she felt the contractions coming on.

At first we all were excited but as the woman fell into distress we became unnerved. A few of the girls began feeling nauseous &left the room only to return a while later. We thought "oh here goes another woman into the OT thanks to our cursed presence!"

We were losing hope to see the delivery to the end. The doctor did show us the head of the fetus lying at the end of the birth canal. We were amazed. It seemed such a small distance from the womb to the world. But it was taking alot of time.

There was alot of dirty stuff happening; even the disinfection was kindda gross due to the color of the liquid. The entire prospect of shoving the hand in to feel the head movement or for any obstruction was disturbing. Not like it could be helped! Then there was the trickling of blood & water. The woman was in pain & whining which made the entire prospect scarier than it was. I hate to admit it, but I was actually thinking why someone would want to go through this kind of pain for a child. The other girls were worried bout their figures. They kept verbalising that it was pointless to try so hard only to end up like that!

The senior dr walked in when the junior staff thought that the labor was prolonged. We got scolded by her because we were supposed to be somewhere else. Anyways, we heard it all but didnt leave. Time passed... Vacuum machine...went out of order at the last minute. Annoyance! Then came in the forceps...left one in the left hand, in it went on the left side...right one on the right.

Baby was even stubborn so the doc finally pulled it out with force! Whoosh! went the water & out came the cheesy baby. As routine it was struck on the bottom to make it cry. The placenta came later. All of us were estatic! Birth was really a miracle worth watching & expericiening..not only at the time of delivery but through each step. It was a happy atmosphere. The ordeal was over. The mother was happy. The child was alive. I was filled with excitement. I finally understood what all that pain was worth!

Wat ppl say bout me...

Arena (known to self and others) independent, knowledgeable, logical, mature, observant	Blind Spot (known only to others) able, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, caring, clever, complex, confident, dignified, energetic, friendly, giving, idealistic, intelligent, loving, modest, reflective, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty
Façade (known only to self) organised	Unknown (known to nobody) accepting, cheerful, dependable, extroverted, happy, helpful, ingenious, introverted, kind, nervous, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, responsive, silly, spontaneous, tense

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (6%) bold (20%) brave (6%) calm (6%) caring (13%) cheerful (0%) clever (6%) complex (20%) confident (20%) dependable (0%) dignified (13%) energetic (6%) extroverted (0%) friendly (6%) giving (20%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (13%) independent (20%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (40%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (20%) logical (6%) loving (33%) mature (20%) modest (6%) nervous (0%) observant (13%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (20%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (6%) self-assertive (13%) self-conscious (6%) sensible (13%) sentimental (26%) shy (13%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (6%) tense (0%) trustworthy (26%) warm (33%) wise (6%) witty (20%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 1.5.2006, using data from 15 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view blackempress's full data.

The magical Rose

I once went out awalking that I came across an ordinary rose. It attracted me despite its simplicity so I took it up & placed it on a beautiful stand in a lovely room. To keep it alive I covered it with a extraordinary glass that periodically sprinkled glitter; creating a piece noone had seen before. Anyone who laid their eyes on the piece fell in love with its beauty. None but I knew the actual story yet kept it as the most special thing ever created. I alone knew that it wasnt the rose but where it stood that gave it magic. One day it dried & began to shrivel despite the glass, as all good things have to come to an end. The magic began to fade & the inevitable was around the corner! U tell me wat the fate of the rose should be when even the glass & stand can no longer create the facade?

Your Analysis of....

ME! click on this link & select the 5- words U would associate with me. http://kevan.org/johari?name=blackempress Thanks

Perfect Lover

I got Tagged by Om so here are 8 points about my 'ideal'. I never really thought about it seriously but now lets see what I can list. I suppose this is the deepest truth about my life ever on the blog!

This Is Dedicated to the ONE--whoever, whereever & watever he is! ;)

* The greatest thing I need in him are Principles. I like people who know what they are about & have set standards in their lives. He should know why he is doing what he is doing. I cannot respect people who don't have, as you say it "ground beneath their feet." My man better have faith in all he is & what he wants or has.

*With principles, comes the need to be courageous. He should be firm enough to stand for what he believes in irrespective of the opposition he encounters. I am certainly eccentric & would want him to be distinguished as well. Eccentricity requires firmness or its an open oppurtunity for the mockers.

*A very important aspect I need is that he needs to be practical. I can't stand people who weave big empty dreams & do nothing with their lives except creating Illusions. Practical means someone who has a good sense of all matters including finances, people & relationships.

*One thing I have found common between all the people I pick is that they are very intelligent/smart. I like having people who don't need too many words to understand something.

*I love laughter so he definitely needs to have a good sense of humor. I simply adore Witty people.

*Since I am a better listener than talker so he should be talkative. I am attracted to good conversationalist & orators. (Btw I have a weakness for good come-backs & sarcasm).

*He should be sincerely loving & devoted { I think I deserve that!!! ;-) }

*He should be open-minded. I am too broadminded at times so he needs to have an expansive mind as well to tolerate me & for us to stay happy. (plus I like doing my own thing most of the time so he needs to be accepting of that. No sir, no possessiveness for me!)

OK, I've written 8 points but still have some qualities left:

Originality, Creativity, independence, versatility, atheletic, good education, refined mannerism & Knowledge.

I guess that sums it all up.

I think that is too much to ask for, wouldn't you agree?

But what the Heck! No harm in trying....anyone matching the above requirements..contact me ASAP.

Her life story

Some thought they knew her. They did, didn't they? Who knows. Why was she the way she was?

Her life was about sex, some said. She was innocent, said the others.

Who knows. She knew. She knew it all along...& she was the only one to know.

When you live too fast, you become the past quickly too.

She was wild & she was boxed before she found herself. The only thing that she could depend on brought her down. Those she wanted to keep deserted her. The lifestyle she adopted was wat made sense to her best. Her love was the reflection of her search. It wasn't that she was a lesbian-It was just that the only thing of value was found in a woman.

She took the world by storm & didn't give a damn about it. It was all just there. None of what was given to her mattered. What was it that she really wanted? No one knew. Not even her. No one could get to her to find out.

" They showed her a beautiful house & they said "come & live here forever" & the young girl said "oh Mars is a place where life is different-safe, clean & pretty. But how do u get there? Where do u find the taxi? Which bus do u take? And how do u know you're there, when you're there?

Her parents just let her go when she was young. She carried on. 'Go on, go on' they all said. They thought the phase would passs. No one saw the damage at any stage.No one thought that it would get worse at every step. Till it was too late...

She faltered. Once...then again. No one could deny her beauty. They loved her because she was beautiful. But her true beauty was her real being.

She wanted to be more than a pretty face. She wanted to be loved for who she was. But then...who was she?

Fame didn't get her an identity. Money couldn't buy it either. There was no one who could give the one thing she longed for, so she turned to drugs. They made her live somewhere between reality & the infinite. It was easier with one foot out of the door, I guess. It caused less pain.

Life & death... Energy & peace... Even if I stop today, It was still worth it....

Even the terrible mistakes that I have made... And would Unmake, if I could....

The pain that has burnt me & scarred my soul.. It was worth it..

To be allowed to walk where I have walked Which was to Hell on earth.. Heaven on earth.. Back again, into, under.. Between, Through it.. In it & above ...

That was the Life of the American Super-model, GIA.

"She was too wild to live, too beautiful to die." (A very good potrayal of the life by Angelina Jolie in the movie..loved it!)

Blinded & forgotten

A hand suspended in the air Watching it's holder sublime into thin air

A smile casted into a frown Friendships sailed away

Stabbed by the dagger of force Blood splattered across the walls

A woman screamed Flames licked the stained walls

The fire turned the neighborhood to ashes Leaving the people blind

Noone remained to relate the story

IF YOU DRIVE....

I was looking at this freshman sitting in the car with style & remembered how it felt when I started driving 4 years back. It was about style & class then: "I am amongst the first of my collegues to do this & I like to look good!"-kindda thing. (com'on it was something like that...admit it!) Now when its refined & more a matter-of-neccesity it doesn't have that kind of charishma anymore.. How was it with u when u started & how have the feelings changed?

The "ever after" story

Have you ever realised that all the fairytales we were told in our younger days started with "once upon a time" & ended with "they lived happy ever after?"

How come no one bothered to write the life after the union? It would obviously not be possible to write about two different people to be thinking on the same lines. See, the prince who was raised amongst the rich ended up falling for an unknown girl while riding through the forest. How was it possible that his family raised no issue about the match? How were they able to get along in every regard as Snow White had nothing besides looks & the Prince had nothing to lose? Lets say that they came from the era where men dominated & women submitted to their commands, even giving it that base it still doesn't make it utterly possible that they were a classic match.

Any other author could have given alot of kinks in the story. Say, the couple couldn't have children & they eventually fall out of love. As for a man who could fall in love with an ordinary woman in minutes, who could guarantee that he couldn't have fallen for another woman visiting his royal court? Maybe Snow White found a new world & decided to explore the chrishma of her personality or looks. Perhaps she started suffering from inadequacy & began to search for new kinds of attentions & eventually became distant to her husband. Or the Prince's mother started getting jealous & began to act like that wicked mirror queen trying to poison her.

Not that I find it wrong to have a happy ending but this is the kind of material that has shaped our ideals. We grow up searching for those kinds of magical moments & romances that actually don't exist. When faced with reality of our relationships we find them below the mark & end up disappointed. What we were not told by the writers was :

"Actual results may vary!" Did someone say I was too skeptical? Not totally. Is it possible that two people from completely different places to never disagree? Even if people are capable of getting along its never possible that there's never a time that they feel that something is wrong somewhere. Its all part of being human. We grow up wanting to ace every field in our reach & when the smallest things don't work out, become upset.

As for the 'ever after' story there was a good song by Anita Baker:

'Fairy tales' I can remember stories, those things my mother said She told me fairy tales, before I went to bed She spoke of happy endings, then tucked me in real tight She turned my night light on, and kissed my face good night My mind would fill with visions, of perfect paradise She told me everything, she said he'd be so nice He'd ride up on his horse and, take me away one night I'd be so happy with him, we'd ride clean out of sight She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie She never said that maybe, someday he'd say goodbye The story ends, as stories do Reality steps into view No longer living life in paradise - of fairy tales - She spoke about happy endings, of stories not like this She said he'd slay all dragons, defeat the evil prince She said he'd come to save me, swim through the stormy seas I'd understand the story, it would be good for me You never came to save me, you let me stand alone Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold My story end, as stories do Reality steps into view No longer living life in paradise - no fairy tales - yes I don't look for pie up in the sky, baby Need reality, now, said I Don't feel the need to be pacified, don't cha try Honey, I know you lied You never came to save me, you let me stand alone Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold I found no magic postion, no horse with wings to fly I found the poison apple, my destiny to die No royal kiss could save me, no magic spell to spin My fantasy is over, my life must now begin My story end, as stories do Reality steps into view No longer living life in paradise - no fairy tales - eh,

So the moral of the story is...don't rely on those old told stories. Human relations are hard so try to find forgiveness for those who hurt. The entire romance was how the couple met after which there was no perfect story so no one bothered to tell us the tale. So create your own 'happy ever afters'...afterall a dream is a wish of the heart & no one said dreams can't come true.

Stories From The Ward I

I'm planning to add this as a weekly feature to share the tales from my professional life. I hope you will enjoy them too.

1st chest examination: This was the check-up for the respiratory system. It wasn't a problem, given that the team was co-operative & the patient was a lean male.(its difficult with the fat). But the trouble was that it was a male. It wouldn't have occured to me how my hands felt until the people I pracitised on told me that I had a light touch. Got the story? So it happened that while I was 'supposed' to be doing the superficial check(which was plainly feeling the entire chest with the palm) a 'crisp grasp' came from the patient. Everyone heard but all pretended innocence. I wasn't sure about continuing but did anyways-something else.That was the last time I ever checked the chest: I opted for the stomach instead :)

Paralysed Patients You might feel sorry for the stiffened patients being wheeled in but don't fall for it. They have amazing stories to tell. A couple of days back this middle-aged woman was brought in the medicine ward. Her attendants felt sorry for her that she couldn't even talk nor move her stiff limbs . The compassionate doctor went to examine her. He took his hammer & checked her reflexes to find that they were all present(in paralysis they're absent). He kept his calm & simply told the nurse to pass a tube down her nose into the stomach(Nasogastric tube which is painful)himself going into the other room. Within a few minutes he heard her scream...miracle doctor wasn't he! :D Alot of patients just fake for seeking attention & these kind of stories are not uncommon. We enjoyed the experience nevertheless.

The Long standing Question

There is usually a thought in every person's mind whether expressed or not about their existence. For some it's there as adolescents & then somehow getting into the grinding of the daily chores they forget to question things.

There are those such as I, who since the last 15years have been trying to find the meaning of life. Born with a silver spoon in the mouth, good family, great friends, good education, ample oppurtunities to grow and discover various things in life,I am as clueless as I was 20years ago. I've dug up religion. I've delved into the psyche of the human minds & read a great many books on philisophy but never to recieve an answer to the question.

People claim to have found their way. We aren't in the position to be skeptical. They are those who have found a passion or if nothing else 'contentment' in their lives.

I wasn't given the oppurtunity to live to do what my neighbor's doing or even what my brother or mother wanted to. The whole idea is that we all were created for a different purpose. Some people are there to serve others & some are there to be served. It's the way Nature has created us. It wasn't to us to question 'why humans eat the chicken & the chicken don't eat humans?' Somethings just "are".

Somethings that 'are' for some are just not for others. As the saying goes "one man's spinach is another man's poison". This makes it harder for each of us to open a different goody bag & make sense of it.

The 'meaning of life' doesn't span contentment. It's just that contentment is a playing factor in it. I talk in broad terms.

"why was life created?" The older I get the more worthless things appear. It seems that there is very little to do. Everywhere its the same thing & it surmounts to nothing valuable. I don't know what people chase. Perhaps to the man on the street, money will be of the greatest importance & to the woman without children, having a child would make life worthwhile. Aren't these materialistic things? Haven't all the religions taught to rise above them? These are the things we can't live without or have to do without but its just that "there's gotta be more to life!" Career, family, money & love can't be the beginning and the end, or are they?

Tail Of 2005

Another year gone by-time flies... perhaps memory makes us feel that way.

As far as I am Concerned this year has been of many emotional see-saws.

2005 was not exactly predicted to be a good year for me in the first place. In fact an occultist said that it would be a year of ‘no progress’ & it turned out to be true.

Despite the overall stickiness of the situation I would say that this has been a year of great emotional wealth.

There comes a point in your life when you have to take a stand for self-preservation & eradicate all the visible thorns from rending you further than they had been over the years. I wouldn’t call it ‘awakening’ because aware I had always been.

<>But this year I went through the kind of emotional turmoil that I couldn’t have even imagined-reached the peak, hit the trough then rose again. From that experience & those before it, I have found contentment in my life that I had been lacking in, until now. I have broken the chains that kept me from loving with an open heart. I no longer care for pretentious affection.

I have learnt that the person I see in the mirror is me & I dare not change my perspective about that person according to stupid opinions of others. I have found the truth & can proudly stand for my values regardless of anything.

<>I no longer need to be shy that others don’t think like me. Time has taught me great lessons & I have the courage to be who I am. I express what I desire. I may be different but I am happy being ME.

Another lesson I learnt this year is that truth always stands out. I no longer feel the need to please people only so that they may stay. They taught me the difference between fair-weather & foul-weather friends. Letting truth decide the fate, also showed me the real faces of those I thought were well-wishers. It was a mask they wore.

And the fact that my family would be the only support to me became more evident in the evaluation. I was born lucky.

Secondly I realized that it isn’t worth chasing someone who has no intentions of reciprocating. It’s only a matter of heartache on the long run.

<>Also “opposites don’t attract!” That is only in physics. Human relations are worst in that category resulting in lifelong scarring. Human bonding works on homeopathy principle:

“Like attracts like.”

Conclusion came that those who really love you will stand by you irrespective of moods or outside influences. Otherwise they aren’t worth in the first place!

Casting people aside, this has also been a depressing year on a personal growth margin. There were more teary days than those that had ever been over the years combined. Had to face the NOT-SO-ME person too & well…accept it. Circumstances like that turned up to cause distress. Fortunately it all passed.

Academically I see no great difference but hopefully from next week.

Physically, hmm…have to admit bout the realization of the fact that I have been gifted in this area without having to work for it. Praise the Lord!

Financially this had been a year of expenses. That was also because of a robbery late in the year that fell heavy on the budget.

Overall, especially the last few months went active. It was the time to settle with growing relationships in the family & how to manage them-another lesson in the emotional field.

Last but not the least; I learnt the power of blogging & the blessing of having good readers. I thought I would never get this chance. But I discovered that there are small worlds within our world & the things that give the greatest pleasure are common to us all.

I found good friends & great confidantes who further richen my emotional life. Love u all.

Happy new year everybody!!!

Tender Moments Isnt it beautiful, when someone you love, gets you the thing you've had ur eyes on since sometime, especially when you least expect to ever get it! At the present moment I have the not-so-new yet my favourite( mark-the only Nokia set)Mobile in my hand & yet it seems like a dream. I didnt get it. I wanted to but I really didnt even think of it due to the cost. I am attracted to, as well as scared, of expensive things. Reasons Of it I'll skip. Anyways, I always admired it from the distance but a day back my sister surprised me by giving it to me as a gift. No birthday, no graduation... nothing! She was celebrating her love for me! I was so touched. I was kindda ambivalent due to the attachment to the old Sony Erricson of mine(me being a fan of it). But then the thought behind the effort & especially the cost of getting a gift out of her own pocket(which I assure u is a big thing for someone on pocket money esp when its a big price!) & then just the fact that it was my favourite person's love made me so excited with the new piece. IF that wasnt enough she wrote a long letter for me expressing her admiration & sentiments. To make it perfect she added a card to the whole thing. Then last but not the least she drew a big smiley That said "Keep smiling because I love you." Absolutely adorable! To me she is & will always b a kid no matter how old she gets-still the child of my heart. Shy as we are, I sent her a text : "That was the sweetest & most laughable letter I've ever gotten. Thanks :) Love u baby. You'll always be my sweet baby sissy!" She replied: "Aww...you melted this ole heart of mine. THanks :)" Both of us dont fall for just anything but when it comes to us both, there's an extra soft spot. At times like these, I really know that I am blessed! Thanks sis, U're the best :)

Stolen From Osbasso

I found this on Osbasso's blog (who had taken it yet from someone else) & wanted to see wat everyone had to say. I dont mind if anyone else takes it from here. In fact I would love to fill it up for someone else! Ok folks... here goes! 01] I _____ Blackempress 02] Blackempress is _____. 03] If I were alone in a room with Blackempress, I would _____. 04] I think Blackempress should _____. 05] Blackempress needs _____. 06] I want to _____ Blackempress 07] Someday Blackempress will ___. 08]Blackempress reminds me of _____. 09] Without Blackempress _____. 10] My memories of Blackempress are _____. 11Blackempresscan be _____. 12] The worst thing about Blackempress is _____. 13] The best thing about Blackempress is _____. 14] I am _____ with Blackempress. 15] One thing I would like to know about Blackempress is _____. 16] Blackempress should go and _____. 17]Blackempress _____ me.

Arranged Marriage

Man:

“Today I give you a place in my home, sacrificing my freedom for the responsibility of you.

Today I give you the right to ask me for my money & time.

Today I give you my honesty & my life

Today I replace you with the pleasures I had sought in the past

Today I lend you my family to take care of

I name you queen to carry forth my name

Do I get anything in return?”

Woman: “Today I seek the shelter of your home & strength Filling it with the love & beauty stored in me

Today I take the right to ask you for your time & money Employing them in ways for our growth & happiness

Today I take your honesty & life & guard them with mine so never to lose even a bit.

Today I take the honor to hold your name & tend to all that concerns you.

Today I seek pleasure from the mere fact that I have someone to share my life with.

Today I leave my family & become a part of yours

Today I leave my name & home to be close to you. Bringing the creativity Nature has blessed me with.

Today I exchange my rest with your needs Giving you the comfort & joy you’d never known before.

Today I give my all for what I may never get in return.

Man: For all the love & joy you promise to bring I hold you as the greatest treasure of my life.

Hip Hip Hurray!!!

You are Form 8, Demon: The Destroyer. "And The Demon took advantage of the chaos and seized civillization. With grace and style, Demon slit The Goddess's belly and drowned the world in her blood. The Goddess, The Demon, and the world were no more." Some examples of the Demon Form are Seth (Egyptian) and The Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Christian).The Demon is associated with the concept of destruction, the number 8, and the element of earth.His sign is the full moon. As a member of Form 8, you are a very strong willed individual. You don't let others' opinions sway your own and you're usually not afraid to speak your mind. However, some may see you as a bit overly passionate but it's just because you never back down from your values. No matter what, you always do everything with style. Demons are the best friends to have because they will back you up. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by

Silent Scream

I give you my trust Only to be exploited in return

I reveal my life to you Only to be criticized & degraded

I give you my honesty Only to be labeled

I give my all & you never quit taking

Now when it’s my turn I take back my life & give you only silence.

Misunderstood

We were only trying to find each other

When we sacrificed for each other

Till circumstances forced us to part

You thought what you had to offer wasn’t good enough

So you set me free

I felt my presence not required

So in the silence, we let each other go

Now you swap your wounds with guilt

While I regret letting a beautiful friendship die.

Taboo

Recently either due to declared acceptance or for experimentation purposes a lot of people have started to confess being attracted to their own genders. It is a growing situation. TIMES has given a number of reports on the issue & rather than actual act more adolescents have opted for oral pleasure. Homosexuality was something unacceptable till 1996 then Allen (Mr.Wrong) was amongst the first women to announce “I am gay!” People who had been in the media since longer like Gregory Peck (To kill a mockingbird) confessed that much later. In today’s times it’s still a big issue. Imagine you having a son & you’ve watched him grow & you plan his wedding & hope to fill granny’s/grandpa’s shoes; then one day he walks up & says “Mom/dad I’m gay!” It’s a devastating situation. It’s still not a fully accepted issue & there are been therapies for fixing the sexual orientation but they have little effect. This is a result of genes as well as nurture. Nowadays women want to stand for their rights. They are more aware of their needs & refuse to be just sexual objects for men to screw. At least that’s what they say! I ask you, how many of you associate the word ‘beauty’ with men? It seems like the word was created to describe a woman only. Women have become more aware of their looks & try hard to maintain the best possible. Even women have since a long time found other women more beautiful compared to men. It’s now that the whole issue is beginning to head into another direction. If that isn’t the case then they’ve only vocalized something that was always there. Women feel that they are more fulfilled with someone who understands them. Many people get involved only for trial. It seems to be the ‘in’ thing. Many times the issue may arise out of the gender dominance.There may be other reasons behind the actual picture. Who’s right? I suppose people will support their own beliefs. What about the Nature’s ways? What about human bonding & raising families? What about the future generation? "I have two moms & no dad or two dads & no mom"- even if cloning gets us that far! Will that ever be accepted? The more we fight for freedom the more we lose each other. A lady got married & it turned out that her husband was gay. He spent night after night with the boys. When he came home & saw her lying in bed (even clothed) he’d get disgusted. Two years later the mother-in-law told the woman that she was infertile & the lady told her the truth that they hadn’t even made love once! It all ended in a divorce as expected. This is an Eastern culture story. If situations like this should ever rise it’s better to say things out in private instead of ruining a ‘straight’ person’s life. As long as people are happy that’s fine. Everyone’s for themselves on the health issues. Nothing changes what’s inside. There are those honest ones who blurt it out & the rest carry on their passions without being ostracized. So, don’t lecture or bother changing those who say they are ‘gay being gay’. If that’s what they wanted they knew the options before they chose to be who they are!!

Secret Admirer

I sit on my star in the open galaxy Breaking off pieces to throw down into your universe Wouldn’t the sparkle catch your eye?

I lay on my rose in your garden Separating the petals & letting them fall Wouldn’t the fragrance rouse your senses?

I float on the ocean Dripping droplets into your desert Wouldn’t the change give you pleasure?

I wait on the rainbow Giving small spectrums on your water & glass Wouldn’t my art attract you?

I reveal myself in your reflection Showing you the picture of a complete life Wouldn’t you ask me to stay forever?

The missing part

Hearts that beat but one day quieten down Hands that hold then simply let go Paths that meet then are swallowed by distance.

That’s our story. Your face no longer intrigues me. Your voice no longer comforts me. Your memories give no feeling. This is the fate you’ve written for yourself. Just let it go. Let it die. Leave our tale to be remembered in ambiguous words-perhaps we’d like to see it that way.

With this song I wrap up the good and the bad times with the faintest of smiles: not even a fraction of what it used to be!

Chained Up

Thank you Z00nie, Amitken, Mitz, Choas, Anand, Ty, Original Ty, Nimnolith & Wiz. It was lovely to see how u carved out the words. I was really swept by some of the works. I’m putting them up together for u all to see & comment if u like, including my own. Thanks again, love u all. z000nie Come walk by me, laugh with me and hold my hand... {The story was finished in first sentence itself} -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mitz Come walk by me make me feel your inner warmth with your gentle, yet firm touch. Let the wind take us down a path unknown and show us the way to the place we know we both want to be. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ty Come walk by me right when I am about to rip one so you can hear me giggle and see me give myself a pound and a what what -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (original ty) Come walk by me blending colors in this gray shaded mistful path, lightly warming the cold breeze of a winter morning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nimnolith Come walk by me... through the shadows, mist, by the edges of my sanity...if you dare... You might find this strange but dont walk beside me, cause distance for me is like the air. I´m choking in the crowds of million eyes, in the sreets of plaster filled with dead souls, clowns, human caricatures, brealy living on the real... when I think again stay away because beside me you will lose another part of you..it will die in the chaos of many subreal lifes within me... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anand "Come walk by me... In the miasma of ambiguity enveloping the shores Come walk by me... In the obscurity of the night bleached by moonlight Come walk by me... In the resonance of splashes of incensed waves Come walk by me... And let the night witness our fading footprints Come walk by me on the sands of life leaving the reminiscence of our existence to be washed away by the tides of time..." ..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chaos Come walk by me On this meandering Path. Have we spoken to life? Today? Let’s be together On its Caribbean blue. On skies dark with dew. Come walk by me, So we can be Another world Together. Mists shall dissipate With our coming. Mists shall hide us From prying eyes. Darkness will find A true enemy In both you and me. Come walk by me, On sunbeams And moonbeams; On bubbles of love. Walk by me My heart My love My favourite Form of life!(hehe) Let me bring you joy In a world of steel Let me see your smile Behind that iron mask. Come walk with me, So we can fight The banality of this world Together. Come dearest Walk with me... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AmitKen Come walk by me... It’s good for health. : p "come walk by me i promise we wont get into a race, there'd be no winner or loser. Can we just walk hand in hand, and try to see that horizon? Together. come walk by me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wiz Come walk by me in the fields of wizdom [ps. wizdom is not my homeland or my town....or world. ( lol )] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blackempress Come walk by me Let us leave these city lights & find comfort in the arms of silence. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- & lastly Sirbarrett Come walk by me, and lets talk about anything, as we get away from everything, while we wander through it. Come let our legs kick at a pace set by interest, interest in whatever lures you, my dear. I will lead and I will follow, sharply dive and duck. I will not tarry but listen all through the viaducts. Our minds together, and our words a song, pulling us softly through the city. Once we are through, me and you, we may need to stop walking to catch up

Tag! Ur it!

I'm gonna write the first line & I'd like you to come up with ur version of the remaining story ( can b anything..prose or poem, whatever u like. No restriction of length either. ) I'll put up the resulting works with ur names. Would love to see wat u create! Here goes: " Come walk by me..." Waiting :)

A fool’s paradise

Here I stand Just the place where you left me Clinging to the ghosts of your memories Desperately seeking any amount of comfort they give

Here I shake In cold sweat of the drugs from your skin Drained & bare of everything including dignity

No way to return to the roads that we left behind Your presence deliberately locked me here I can still see your victorious smile as you walked away So sure that you’d won & left me in chains

Here I Stand In the chains your love bound me in Foolishly not to escape while the chance remained

Here I stand With little but an addicted mind Intently waiting for another dose of your sweet torture

Epitaph

Here lies ...

...Someone So watch where you are going!

BE grateful for the blessings in your life You could’ve been in my place Tread no more than already trodden! Request for electricity still unmet! Out to lunch! :D

Dinner at 8.00 See you when you get there! Don’t tread! I’ll be waiting for you at the other end Please respect this place It could happen to you too.

Final time

The final folding of the clothes

I watched leaning against the doorway

Hard to believe that time had actually passed by

Did we ever meet?

How long had it been?

It felt like years & then…

Perhaps never.

I wanted to tell you that I loved you

But I knew you were aware

I would miss everything about you

I had accepted that,

At least to myself

A friendly, tearless goodbye.

Nothing left to say

Emotions stifled,

The good & bad quietly stashed away

Everything seemed vain at the instant

The truth would seep soon.

Glancing over my shoulder for the last time

At the epitome of grace, I sighed

A part I preferred leaving unnamed for so long,

Flickered like the remains of a burnt out candle.

But I blessed my stars for a wonder in my life

Having no clue of where time would leave us

I took my first step towards freedom &

My prison of silence.

Living with Love

I really wanted to believe that I was over you. I really wanted to think that I could just move on & never look back. Believe me I tried to replace you with every person I could find. I really had faith that it would eventually work out. But replacing you is like trying to fill a sand impression of an adult's foot with the foot of a baby. I've chased shadows & lived with pain. I know you'd known but you let me find my own strength & in ways I could thank you for that. Infact you've given me alot to thank for most of all for giving me the chance of loving you.

The Whole Soul story

There's a big change happening & I only seek a refuge within my universe till all the walls have fallen & the storm has passed. Dreams have died & hopes are attending their funeral. All my life I called out to those I thought were around only to hear the echoes of my own voice saying "Can you help me?" Sometimes the sound made me sad, sometimes it left me feeling forlorn but otherwise it gave me a sense of independence. It made me realize that I was strong. It evoked the feeling of a survivor. The voice inside said: "You were made to survive. You were born to survive & so you shall!" "This is your universe for you to discover. You are free to do as you will. There is no one timing so go ahead take your time & learn whatever you can on the way. It is you alone to find your path where there is no judge except you. Let your mind be your guide." It was an prideful position but then insecurity decided to pay a call asking "What if I can't make it on my own? What if I lose my way or need some help? Can't I find any support?" Then the provident voice inside spoke: "Should you need someone, I'll always be here." I smiled knowing that I would never be alone again.

Pure Ecstasy

Silent Majesty

That’s the only word to describe the thrill that rushes through my body like electricity when I catch the glimpse of that “silent beauty”. I always fantasized standing atop the highest peak with my arms wide open to the sky & my head thrown back to feel the breeze on my face. I was in love with the rocks from the moment I saw the first person sitting on one in some photograph.

Now years older & having experienced the thrill of rock-climbing & hiking I’m still excited like an awed child looking at something fascinating for the first time. The immediate feeling is like the spirit awoken from deep down. There’s an adrenaline rush & I want to just throw a rope to the top & climb up. Strangely I get a maternal feeling from them. I feel like putting my arms around the whole of the mountain & hugging it. I want to caresse the side appearing like velvet covered with the trees & bushes. I want to dive in the cold rivers rushing through its banks. I know there’s no chance of survival with the wild rocks beneath its swooshing waves but that doesn’t stop me wanting to take a dip. They give me life even when my spirits are low. Water gives me a deep feeling. I don’t mind shivering in the chilling waves. I feel my own depth within them. I don’t know how else to say it. It calms me down. It takes away my worries. I feel at home.

The mountains with their majesty stand proud to symbolize strength & ambition. The most dangerous turns don’t scare me. Neither the bumpiest rides nor the toughest rocks make me change my mind. I want to go on & I do. The snow & wind can make me shiver but cannot bar my way. No landslide or an avalanche could scare me away. So I call it love. It’s the most remarkable feeling unlike any other. It says nothing; just quietly stands glowing in its glamour. It’s a refreshing sight to view the trees & flowing waters surrounded by different kinds of rocks. Someone with no love for adventure might tell you that “you see one mountain. You’ve seen them all.” No sir! Not to me. Every rock has its own size, color, texture & shape. Not only that they all have different values. I found pieces of limestone amongst the other rocks. I have a collection of them now that I cherish like jewels. To me they are. I could spend hours quietly admiring Nature. There’s peace in it yet not destroyed by the human hands nor selfish like the human heart.

Think

I saw this question posted on someone's blog & it set my mind in motion. I wanted to know what U thought about it: " IF u had a choice between fixing something in the past & knowing an important event from the future what would you choose?" IN my case my life would change inside-out so I'd fix a past event. What's your pick?

I Love Rocks & Rivers

Fates Unknown

TODAY I await you not,

I only sit by the window reminiscing The tender moments that fill my mind. Your gentle whisper caresses my ear As I acknowledge your tale with a smile I recall the way you lightly touched my hand Telling me a million tales, spoken in silence.

Through the misty picture I could still trace The outline of your smile with my fingertips

Time has created unbridgeable distances & I wonder how much of us you’d remember & miss

I know not where you are

But like this dandelion I blow you a kiss on the wind To float away to its fate-stranded & forgotten Like the story of our lives.