Friday, January 14, 2005

Born Alittle Different

Lie to me that there’s going to be life for me irrespective of whatever happens. Tell me that this is an easy road no matter what the path may hold. I’m tired of believing in my own lies that there’s hope even if keeping my expectations low. You tell me that I dream & compliment my writing style. I’d only answer that that is all the treasure I have. I wish you knew how it felt to not be like all the others. You can’t even conjure the pain of not being able to get the things that hold the greatest meaning in life. Try & imagine it-but you won’t be able to. I dream of what others can’t even think & that is my problem. I reach for places in hope to get there but anticipate little. I know I’m foolish but then the situation would’ve been different if those around me could see what I was living for. It would’ve all been possible. I know that it’s easier said than done.

 Once upon a time everything seemed achievable. Fantasy was more real than reality itself. There were hopes. There were loads of prospects. Things were simpler than. There seemed to be ample time to do everything. Somehow time aged too soon. Sands slipped by too fast to gather. Where were we then? Why is it that ‘one day’ was a long time then & now appears that it’s already gone without even showing up? Why when we were reaching the skies then, are we digging the grounds now? Were we so foolish to think that what was beyond our sight then, would be accessible later? Why were we so imprudent to fix our eyes on what we wanted rather than turn around & see a different picture? Had we been forced to think the way others think back then, accepting rules would’ve been easier. Had we shared the same dreams we could’ve been happier today. We wouldn’t be asking for what no one else would’ve demanded. We’d have considered good what you consider well; than to come up with rules & thoughts of our own. It would’ve solved so many misunderstandings. That thing that you contemplate as a string of roses, I wouldn’t have thought as chains around my feet. That is what wasn’t expected 2 decades ago when I came in this world. You didn’t know I’d grow to be like this. You thought that I would automatically follow you just the way the rest of the world follows what’s been going on since years. I wasn’t supposed to mature as a rebel to the society or the traditions & cultures. I never knew that there was a world that held beliefs not-like-mine. I thought we were the same. And even if we weren’t I believed that we could be free & we’d learn from each other & this world would be a pleasant place. Damnation of innocence! I didn’t know that I carving Hell for myself!

 You wouldn’t know the tears that I shed for the price I’d to pay. You can’t even think of the path I’ve journeyed. You don’t see those lands because you’re blinded by the precedents. You hear no voices beyond humans because your soul’s been slaved to the world & its associates. The only colors you see are those that have been printed by another. You see nothing else. You know no other way to communicate than with those around you. But stand in my shoes & tell me that you’ve seen this all before. Convince me that there’s another being who longs for what I crave. I await those tidings. I know that I wait in vain. I know that I’m here alone & will always be the only one. I know those shoes fit none but me.
I’m not Cinderella whose prince will rescue her. There is no prince for me. These God forsaken walls are all the life I expect to live. You read but you still can’t comprehend. These words are written with the blood of my heart, but for you it’s typing on a page. Each word is soaked with the tears from my eyes but for you it’s the same old text. You only see what your eyes want to see. You don’t understand but it’s not your fault. The only culprit is me. I’m the only dreamer & I alone suffer. No one else deserves the imprisonment for the crime that I’ve committed on my own. Maybe if you saved me earlier I might’ve been different. I wish I was like all the others if that was what could’ve granted peace. It would’ve been worth being just another face in the crowd.

 Could you blame me if I’m giving up on life? I learnt now what I should’ve known earlier. There’s no hope for me. I sing songs to condole the death of my broken dreams. I keep convincing myself that there is life beyond; despite the walls I’m entrapped within. I seek mortal excuses to claim immortality but this body refuses to obey my commands. I knew there would come a day that I would stand ashore & would hit upon my reflection as a stranger to myself. I knew I wouldn’t be the person I’d kept the image of, all those childhood years. Why do you hold it against me when I say I’m a loner? Look around & see that there is no one like me in this place. Do you blame me for preferring my own company than to that of people? It’s when no one seems to fulfill my needs that I have to find another town to escape to. I want to be who I am. But why is it that no one understands even that? Once if there were little expectations, we still had hope that brought us far. Today we have neither: no dreams, no expectations, no hope…nothing. Not even the will. There seems to be no purpose for waking each morning only to lose another part of what once used to be. Seems simpler to await death than to dare fantasize again or live like a zombie. I can’t pretend to be happy when my world falls before my own eyes. I can’t bear the pain to watch it crumble to pieces what had been my rock to stand on all those years. How could I let go of what had given me strength & brought me so far? I’ll need to retrace my steps on the path I crossed to find my smile again. These walls will only kill what remains of a good soul. These feet knew to fly but forgot when they started looming these earthly grounds. They’re still young & capable of relearning what they knew once. Lie & tell me that I’ll be alright. Say that I’ve done well over these years & could turn out to be what I’d always dreamt of. Tell me that I have a bright future. I haven’t lost sight of these boundaries but try & make me see beyond them. I’m afraid to do it alone now. I might fail. Help me see my old world then kindly break my ties with this one. Set my soul free & I shall bless thee as the last breath gets carried by the wind…

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