Saturday, March 19, 2005

One of those days

It was one of those days I wanted to scream to the skies “I give up!” It felt like been doing the two-steps forward two-steps back with fate since forever, along with plenty of misalignments. It seemed that I was always the one welcoming fate & it always decided to leave me out. Waiting. I was tired of playing hide & seek with it: tired of fooling myself every time that it would work out sooner or later. I waited in vain. Now I was tired of it. I was even tired of myself. I didn’t know whether to blame myself or my cursed fate for my plight. The truth might not do much good, but lies would no longer serve as panacea. I needed answers & this time for the keeps. My mind was lost. I didn’t have much to say. I didn’t have much to do. I just lie trying to recall everything I had carefully put together as a child. Then innocence didn’t know that dreams may never become a part of reality. Youth believes in miracles & maybe that’s why they see it come true. When do babies worry about where the next dry diaper would come from? They have hope. It works! In my state of mind I could’ve thrashed myself if I had a chance to separate from my body! I didn’t know who & what was right. I just knew that my grounds were too shaken to survive. I would fall & I knew no one could help me- a realization that did little than to add to the isolation. Some voices resonated in my head long after they’d been silenced like a balm in my dreary state. I couldn’t even force a smile. Those unseen, long kept wounds became to bleed again. I kept trying to grapple the ground that seemed to be slipping. It seemed that all the years work had added up to nothing. There were so many goals but suddenly everything seemed like bosh. I didn’t know where I was coming from or where I was going. Life had never been so static. Where was energy when I needed it? Where was God when I needed answers? Where was life when I was calling? I didn’t know where any new direction would lead me. I just knew the way I’d been traveling all these years but it seemed to lead me nowhere. Where was I supposed to go now? If I called Heavens they’d ignore me too. If I called for a hero, I received no answer. Wasn’t there anyone listening to me or had I been blabbering only in my head?

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