Monday, February 07, 2005
Just another few steps & I’ll be out the door-the place that binds us together. I shall walk out from the room that retains the memories of the meetings-the sacred moments of joy & the soul-wrenching tears of pain. The laughter that’s buried within the walls shall remain & there shall remain the secret of our passionate sins. I hear those voices call from behind me, but I carry along my path. It took ages to summon the courage to attempt this, must not fail this time. Yet they continue. Images from the unburied times sweep in front of me like wind-blown dust to persuade me to return. I watch them plead, without mercy. I must not listen & keep walking. I can feel my heart broken into bits but I’ll tend to it later. My head’s heavy with the swirling memories. The old days surround me as though I was strolling through an exhibition. I shake my head to push them away. The dark concrete walls were now damp & cold. Perhaps it was my mind set! I knew beyond myself there was someone anxiously watching me as I walked. I know he’d miss my presence as much as I. I know his insides were shattered as much as mine. I know he’d too much pride to ask me to stay. Perhaps it was my imagination that he felt that way! I wanted to turn around but I knew I shouldn’t. I knew it’d be hard for me to try again. These walls & everything in it, gave me a sense of completion that I’d been missing before. I was nothing & within these walls I’d grown & learnt the meaning of giving & receiving love-the love that made me whole. I found the shoulder that gave me peace & shelter. I thought that I would always belong. Those days of loving were past. Another wind had begun to blow & I needed to change direction with it. I needed to be carried to the lands where it would take me. I had sinned enough. I had to return to the claws of my conscience for salvation. I needed to be baptized. No one could save me…I had sinned!